What Happens When 10 Years Have Gone By?

If there was a song for this post it'd be Break My Heart Again by FINNEAS

Here I am, staring at a blank page and having no idea what I'm going to write. I just know I need to write. 

Several months ago I was given reason to come back here and see what I'd written so long ago. I felt a little ashamed because from the outside I seem boy crazy. It also seems that I go in phases of writing a little when things are good and then writing a lot when things are bad. If I really remember why I came to use this blog, it was in a diary sort of way. No hesitation and no worry of judgement on how I came across. Just..unapologetically me.  

The reason I was given to come back and see what the younger version of me wrote back in the day was Mike came back into my life. 10 years ago we were in a small circle of friends and I developed a crush. I eventually acted on this crush and ended up in one of the happiest situations I've experienced. I also ended up in one of the most heartbreaking experiences. The ending of our relationship has had a lasting impact on my ability to trust every situation I've put myself in going forward. A little at first and as time has gone on, and more heartbreak has ensued, quite a bit more. I'm aware how messed up that can be and have always attempted to work with it, and past it. 

I don't know what it's like for everyone else but I imagine there comes a time when you might feel really happy and in something good and when it ends, losing all you had stays with you quietly in the deepest part of your soul. Maybe it was because being with Mike was the last time I felt freely happy in a relationship and since then I've feared being hurt again. 

Over the past 10 years Mike has reached out several times. Every time he apologized for how he treated me when we ended. Every time he would say we were something right at the wrong time. Every time I hoped he meant now was the right time. Sometimes we would talk a couple times, lasting just a few days, and other times we might chat a couple weeks to a couple months. But every time it would end with his silence.  Each one of those times I felt happy and then hurt when he left. I never expected to hear from him again and started realizing it wouldn't last when he reached out. 

Some time last year he messaged me to ask if being Facebook friends would be weird. I guess the app had been suggesting me as someone he would know. At this point, it had been 9 years since we ended and I really was fine. Little did he know but I thought about him around once a week since 2017 when I would travel past his old home on my way to a weekly appointment. Each time, I recognized my memory of him and smiled at my happier memories with him. I held no bad feelings toward him and figured there would be nothing wrong with being Facebook friends. This started daily long message exchanges that slowly became something embedded in my day, and I didn't let myself recognize how much I anticipated these exchanges. 

Was I over the past? I felt sure of it. Did I think I could be real friends with Mike again? Absolutely.

 Our message exchange felt so effortless. We fell back in step to what we had before we dated and it felt good. I'm a sentimental person and often nostalgic. It made me wildly happy to reconnect with someone who meant so much to me and I think I found myself grateful for the experience we had. It hurt like hell but I was so young and probably very immature. I liked the idea of him meeting me now, whoever I am now, compared to who I was then. I also liked being able to appreciate his growth, but even more, relearning the parts of him I knew back then. My heart felt delighted to know who I remembered was still there. After so long, I wondered if what I remembered was true and this was evidence that I didn't make up these memories. Here was Mike, back in my life. 

We talked about everything. My pain from the past, his actions, my apology for not hearing him back then and how that might have led to any guilt he carried over the years, who we are, what we're interested in, how we may have been hurt by others over the years, what we dislike about the way people treat each other, what we feel our love languages are, how each others family is, what interactions with each others family might have been like after we ended, what we hope for the future, and eventually the idea of meeting back up in person. 

We did meet in person. We finally figured out a plan and met up for lunch in March. I was so nervous and couldn't believe he was sitting across from me. I remember thinking if he was nervous I couldn't tell. I also recognized how it felt like 10 years hadn't passed at all. This is probably when my heart start to get wrapped up in his presence in my life but I pushed it aside. I downplayed my feelings because I didn't want to get hopeful for something that wouldn't..couldn't be. 

Mike would say things about helping me make garlic bread in the fall since I always burn any bread I make. He bought tickets to the Marvel exhibit in June for us to visit and asked about seeing the exhibit and having dinner together in the city. He noted that our Thursday workday get togethers would eventually shift to days and times my siblings would be more aware of and how they would eventually become aware we had reconnected. He talked about how I should come out golfing with him and his friends sometime and how I would really like them. He told me he would teach me how to golf so I could show my dad my new skills. He told me he would likely want to do a Harry Potter marathon with me. He talked about looking forward to picking new places in our area to go to and visit together. He said any event I might want to go to I could mention it to him and he'd be there. 

I don't think I was wrong in thinking he intended to be around but I still held back any feelings I had. I liked what we were and was afraid to ask if he meant it to be anything more. I felt that if we might head that direction then it would be okay to keep at the pace we were until it happened. The past few days I've found myself wondering if I had allowed myself to really feel my feelings, if I had asked him what his hope was, if I had told him I realized I still cared, would it have changed things. 

Some time ago Mike explained he had a lot on his plate and he became distant. I didn't know what that all meant. I didn't know if he'd be distant for a while and come back. I feared if I stayed quiet too long he would just silently slip away. I feared that his silence had something to do with me and that I was losing what I'd come to want so much. I didn't know if he really just had a lot on his plate and was quiet without it having anything to do with me. 

The silence and distance really showed me how attached to him I'd become. I couldn't deny that I cared for him. Actually, I couldn't deny that the feelings I had for him had always been there. Quiet and silent in the shadows of my soul. And now I was scared. I was scared because all my experiences with him, and all my experiences with people I have cared about, have ended with them leaving. What if he left me again?

It didn't get better after that. I got angry last weekend and pointed out how I'd been feeling. How he offered this friendship and expressed what it meant to him only to remove himself and how that isn't okay in a friendship. The silence wasn't normal silence, but I wouldn't let myself see that. I didn't want to believe it. I told him I deserved better and that if he wanted me around, in any way, he needed to do better. 

He read that message and continued to say nothing to me. 

I got home from a family dinner Tuesday evening and opened up Instagram to do some mindless scrolling. The first photo that popped up was from him. It was of a woman and his comment said she was his girlfriend. It's comedic but it actually took several seconds for my brain to understand what I was looking at. Mike's Instagram name and this woman...his girlfriend. Mike's Instagram is pretty bare so it almost seemed like he posted that photo knowing I would see it, know, and stop speaking to him. Is that what he did or is he just so happy that he's forgotten entirely about me? Does it matter..

I believed there was a reason why he reached out every year or so. I believed there was something important about this time, being 10 years later. I believed he wouldn't hurt me again. At the very least, I believed he would tell me he didn't want to talk to me anymore if he ever came to feel that way. Trust, as I mentioned, is not easy for me but I gave what I had to him. I trusted him. 

I don't know why everything snapped and he felt I wasn't even worth an explanation. I've been really hard on myself the past several days. I'm angry at the thought that I gave him the opportunity to hurt me again. I'm angry to think I was fine and now I've reopened a wound from 10 years ago. Except it's worse now because I spun some romantic idea around us reconnecting and this time being "the right time". Sure, the idea of the one who got away has lingered recently.

With that, I fear if he had wanted more with me but I was too distant and he couldn't read how happy I was. I fear that if I had been more honest with myself, more honest with him, it might have changed the way things are. 

And if I'm entirely wrong, why did he come back? Was I just some happy memory from his past and after he moved and changed his life around he needed some of that light again. So he sought me out and used me to fill himself while leaving me empty? 

I am friends with not having answers. The past 10 years have given me many experiences with that. What makes me hurt the most is I think I would actually hurt a lot less, and be lot less damaged, if those experiences had come with even the smallest explanation. It's the unknown that leaves me running through all the bad possibilities and reasons. I'm haunted endlessly. 

So Mike is gone again and I wasn't what he wanted. I've had to learn that twice. And still, I wish it were different. 

I was grateful for his return and I wanted him to stay.

Greatest Lover in the World

Steph got me to watch Don Juan DeMarco tonight. 

Typically I'm really really really bad with watching new movies (unless with a date for some reason). We had been struggling to find anything to watch and that movie just happened to be on HBO so we just kept up with it and...I loved it.

Greatest lover in the world. Well! It was just another silly movie but it bummed me out.

I tested the waters with Wayne again and, not surprisingly, there was no response. 

I swear, I am trying my hardest just to let this go. Like people say "It was just one date." I guess it was more to me...or at least I wanted more. I felt a little bit more. Especially when I was with him. I'm not that delusional that I made up the idea that he had a good time. I'm just so hurt that I am soooo easily forgotten. 

How do I accept that? I'm something easy to let go, something easy to forget about. How does one swallow that fact?

Another Day in Paradise

I have recently been shown www.giphy.com and I think it would be safe to say I'm addicted. 

I am currently in bed watching Keith:

I took a funny photo of myself this afternoon..don't know why. After looking at it I thought "I could send this to Wayne..just to see what happens." I thought it best to wait though. Actually, I wasn't sure I would send the photo. 

So as the day passed I found myself scrolling over our text conversation, trying to quickly avoid his photo. For whatever reason just seeing that a conversation, a happy conversation, once existed eats at my heart. While doing this I started to feel angry. I couldn't help but want to yell at him. Who the hell just disappears like this (except for every other man I've dated...). 

With this anger surfacing I found myself wanting to just text him something along the lines of how I'm sure he's busy but I would like my shirt belt (an item left at his apartment) back so if he could keep that in mind for when he returns from Minnesota.

In my head that text was somewhat spiteful, somewhat sarcastic, somewhat hitting on how fucking rude it is that he's just disappeared. I'm sure in reality it wouldn't come across that way. So I settled for sending that silly photo and saying how it summed up the blahness of the day.

Hours later he responded! Of course the text only spoke of how busy he'd been with traveling lately. I said something about poor him. He said he's survive.

And thus ends the conversation. What the fuck are you doing Aubree? The man for me, if he exists, wont play games like this. He'll want to speak to me, want to see me again, he wont give me things to question or worry about. 

Wayne doesn't want me.

Catching Fire

Waking Up with the Past

Oh boy. Hanging out on this page last night right before bed seriously played with my mind. 

I ended up having a dream about a man I dated almost three years ago, Mike. Typically I don't remember my dreams unless they're frightening ones. This one was very much in my mind the moment I woke up and seems to have stuck with me throughout the day.

Basically, in the dream we were discussing getting back together. It seemed like it was present day and that he had approached me with this want to try again. Naturally in dreams things kept coming up which kept us from reaching a final decision but I definitely recall in the dream knowing my answer was yes. 

It felt really good to be near him...To see him again. So of course when I woke up I had that somewhat happy feeling and when I realized it was just a dream that happiness was replaced with the empty feeling. 

I don't think of Mike often. Actually he rarely crosses my mind and when he does I find myself smiling. He definitely hurt me when he left but for some unknown reason when he does cross my mind the memories make me happy instead of bringing the typical angry/upset feelings we mostly experience when thinking of an ex. 

I have wondered what that meant before and I guess for me it means that he meant a lot to me. I apparently was happy and although things did not work out in the best way those memories still hold the happier feelings and I am glad to have had the chance to experience them. 

I missed him today though. That's not good. I know it was just because of the dream...and probably because of my current heartache situation. I suppose I'm here writing about it to get it out and not hold it inside. 

I can't help but wonder if I'll always carry that "what if" when it comes to Mike. I'm gonna say no. Just as soon as the one for me comes along that will fade and he will have been just a great chapter in my life. 

In regards to the man from my date on the 15th..I only heard from him once yesterday. That was mostly a reply to something randomly I had stated. I waited to see if he's say anything to me today. There was nothing. 

Tonight I go to bed alone knowing that the moment I open my eyes tomorrow I'll reach for my phone, hoping to see something from him. It's reality though. There wont be a message from him. When that settles in the ache in my chest will become apparent and I'll have to start on with my day.

Why Not Me?

Once again here I am. Why is it the only time I ever want to write here is when my heart feels like it is shattering into a million little pieces?

Saturday the 15th I had a really lovely date with this man named Wayne. We spent nearly 12 hours together! Drinks, puppies, dinner, chats, music, darts,...kisses. It really was lovely. However the very next day things changed.

He stopped texting as much, stopped attempting phone calls to me. He has yet to ask me to see him again. The clear sign says that he's not interested. But there is a side of me that can't honestly imagine how he isn't after that date. 

I guess I am a fool for love. I know not one thing about it. I suck at it apparently. All I know is each man that comes into my life, even for such a brief moment, I find myself attached to him. I am hopeful and dreaming of the moment when I wont have to let go. 

But far too often I have to let go. 

I'm 26 and I realize that is young for these days but there is a part of me that worries I will never find him. Maybe I'm not meant to find the one. 

There is an emptiness in my life, in my heart. I know what that void is from and I cant seem to fill it. Each time I put myself out there in the hopes that I will fill it I come back more bruised. I can't see the worth in trying again but continually I do. Masochist?

Emotions or Logic

Why have I all of a sudden felt the need to write something? I don't know.

I just finished a Skype call with this guy, Landon. I hesitate to say "great guy" because I haven't met him yet...although my initial thought was "great guy Landon".

Over the past four months I've put myself out there trying to meet people. There had been three different men. All starting out quite great and ending terribly after a date or two. In short, all of them ended without much explanation, leaving me feeling more and more cracked. 

I put myself back out there because I hold hope. Then I connect with this guy, Landon, It's been a couple of weeks where we've been exchanging emails. Just recently we exchanged numbers, texts, had a phone call, and Skyped. 

I find myself smiling at all of his texts. The Skype conversation we just had...I had quite a big smile the entire time. This is good right?

There is this hopeless romantic side of me that wants to be hopeful and then there's the other side of me that's cracked and worries. I'm already enjoying our conversations to the point where I'll miss them, in a sense, if they go away. I really don't want to go back down that path. I, as ashamed as I am to admit it, so desperately want to connect with someone on a deeper level. One that continues over a period of time, developing more and more.

I want to love someone and I want to be loved. I want that comfort and security. I've been dealing with so much doubt, questioning these men and what they really feel for me if they leave so quickly. I just want to be comfortable and know that the person I'm with, the person I care about, cares for me.

The question is where to go? I like this guy and feel and urge to pull back a little so that I don't get hurt but I can't continue with life that way. I feel too much and end up being more susceptible to pain.

Landon and I connect on a funny level. We share the exact same birthday. Year, day, and month. After that we found more and more little things in common. Of course its fun to play around with this and probably in no way means much of anything. I'm finding with Skyping that I really want to meet him. I want to see if the enjoyment I feel, and the fun he appears to also be having, could happen in person. But there's complications. There's always so many complications. 

I can tell that he's more logical when the times for it and I am leading with my emotions. 

I like him and I'm worried. 

Instagram @tylerkentwhite

Here We Go

The last time that I saw Jeff was April 3rd. I finally saw him again at 2AM on May 13th. :( Such a long time to wait for someone you care about.

On Thursday I finished up with my finals and expected Jeff to have as well. Our off days are Thursdays and normally we would see each other then. I texted him saying "I wish we could sort of celebrate classes being over with. I guess I just really miss you. I hope you feel less overwhelmed now that you don't have to worry about classes". He never responded.

It broke my heart. I couldn't imagine that he was so busy that he couldn't respond. With my past, all I could assume was that he was playing me. Jeff was leaving me and this is just his sick way of ending it, avoiding me.

That evening I spent some time with friends and they felt that if he wanted to be with me he would, that I should break it off because I deserve better. I woke up Friday feeling extremely upset. Finally I just decided that was it. I need my things back if its over. Then I'll be rid of him and maybe it will be easier to move on. I text him "Baby I miss you but I'm very confused. I know you asked for time. its gone beyond feeling like you just need space to work things out. I continue to feel like you're wanting to leave. I don't feel like you want me in you life because just as things got stressful you left. A while ago you said you didn't want to lose me but I feel as if Ive lost you'd. I don't want to lose you. It hurts so much saying this because its not what I want. I think its only fair if we get together to discuss this and fix it or I need to get my things back from you. I want to be a part of your life. I care about you Jeff. I just need to know where you want me and if its not with you then I need to go".

Nothing...all day.

I went into work that evening and cried twice. I thought it was over. I mean, it had to be. He wasn't saying anything to assure me that wasn't the case, nothing to ease my mind. I know he was going through some things but if someone I cared about was thinking that way I would instantly try to assure them.

Saturday morning was hell. I was rude to everyone I crossed paths with and I didn't care at all. Then around noon I got a text from him. He said he was sorry for putting me through this. I didn't know how to take that and for twenty minutes didn't know what to say. Was he saying he's sorry that he is going to hurt me like he knows I've been hurt in the past? Please don't let it be that...

He then said "I'm sorry you feel like you're losing me. That's not the case hun. You don't deserve the way Ive been dealing with this but I'm doing the best I can. I could like to see you tonight but I close so its up to you. I really suck at dealing with this kind of stuff. I just keep it to myself and deal with it internally".

That's when I began to realize that his independent personality was through and through. He felt that when things go bad its his to deal with and shuts down.

How can you be there for someone you care about when they do that? How can I, a very caring person who would like to help when she can, do what I normally would if the person pulls away?

I'm afraid.

I went to my friends fight which was 20 minutes from his place. I waited in a Jewel parking lot for 4 hours for him to get off work. Then I showed up at his place and we went to talk.

What I got was he was sort of putting on a front. Somewhat casual, somewhat sarcastic in a sense. I think he was trying to cover up being upset about what was happening. I sat with my back against a wall facing in front of me and after a bit he sat next to me and did the same. He was talking about how he hated emotions and this is how he's always been when I looked over at him. He was crying and instantly when he saw me looking at him he covered his face and just breathed heavily for a while until he stopped crying.

I don't think he wanted me to see. It hurt me so much that he felt he had to hide.

What it comes down to is that when things get bad he feels theres nothing that anyone else can really do about it so all he does is hold it inside until it slips away. That was his exact words. Every time he said something that lead to him having to be alone through bad things my heart broke. I care for him and to know that he feels he has to feel this pain alone kills me.

I wish I had said that to him. I didn't.

When I asked what now he said "cant things just go back to the way they were before". I wish it were that easy. If it was things would be as they were. We would have texted more frequently yesterday and today. Yesterday I only heard from him a few times. Today, not at all.

He left for a business trip and wont be back until Thursday night. I'm hoping to see him this coming weekend and maybe smooth things over a little bit more. We only saw each other for an hour because I had work early Sunday morning. There wasn't enough time.

Maybe after then things will get better.

I'm just afraid I can't be what he needs or that I'll want too much too soon with this happening. If all his life he was made to feel this way...that's 26 years of undoing. I'm willing if you are.

Unfortunately there will be no baseball birthday fun on Thursday for Jeff. As luck has it, he wont get back until after 11pm. Maybe I should refrain from buying expensive birthday gifts for a bit :/

Want!

Aside from missing Jeff...

...I also want him.

Grr!

It's been over a month since I've seen him and all this missing plays into the wanting as well. Part of me worries I'll just jump him the moment I see him. Which could go either way lol I mean guys don't mind that right?



Patience, Help Me Out.

Last little bit left at work tonight and I miss you so much.

I wonder if anyone thinks I'm crazy for the amount that I come here to say that I miss you. I know that if I don't get it out here I'll go nuts. I wish I just had you with me. Why are we like this again? I hope you'll explain it to me in time.

People keep telling me that I have to have patience. Unfortunately I don't really understand why I need to be patient. Why can't we be together through this? What is going on?

Maybe because I'm stressed I want to be near you a bit more. Last night while at the movie all of the couples upset me. How rare it is that I go to the out and am not bothered by happy couples and how often it is that I find myself without that happiness. We will be happy together again wont we? I hope so.

I don't care about my finals or about school at this point. I just want it all over with so I can see you. However, I don't even know if that is the end point for you. Maybe you intend to stay away longer.

Why are you gone?

Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.

Wish You Were Near

I miss you.

Sadly I can't tell you. 

Maybe I can, maybe I have, but I'm afraid and I really wish that wasn't the case.

Yesterday morning I sent Jeff an email. If I know him, he probably isn't checking his personal email lately anyway. I sent it to relieve some of that anxiety of wanting to say anything to him. Needless to say, I rambled on a bit. I was afraid to focus just on missing him or just on wishing things were better for him. So I started to ramble about things that have been going on with me. Of course when I started the email I just wanted to be able to write it. After sending it I found myself hoping to hear from him. I haven't.

I went to bed so early yesterday that this morning I was up at 6:15 and I didn't want to be. When you're awake you think about all the things you don't want to. Asleep is a little different. In that light haze of the morning I wanted Jeff laying next to me. I wanted to lean over and cuddle into him and just feel that relief. Instead I turned to my other side, hiding my face in my pillow, hoping to block out the world.

I got called into work early. On the days that I am, I go in sit in the back and work as the switchboard operator. They had the radio on and a Goo Goo Dolls song came on. Sitting alone in my cubicle I missed Jeff all the more. He loves the Goo Goo Dolls. So the rest of the day I attempted to work and finish up a paper for class. I did, successfully, but still he's on my mind.

I can't help but regret the way I've been with him these past months. I knew at the time how great he was to me. I understood that I should feel very lucky and happy but I let stupid Mike get to me. How can people be so foolish? I continued to hurt over a guy who left me on a lie while the kindest man was trying to win my affection. I am a rude person.

Being me, I think that if I had been different and not let Mike get to me maybe Jeff wouldn't be distant now.

Regret. Its always there.

I Don't Mind If We Take Our Time

It's been a week and a day since I've heard anything from him and what do you know? I miss him like crazy! lol

I feel a bit better after talking to a girl at work last night. She brought to fact what little she knew of his character and said from that she honestly doesn't think that he will off and disappear, that he really likes me. I've tried to calm myself with this thought. I want it to be true. Why is it I struggle with accepting and believing in the good? I mean, as I started to write this I felt confident and then it slipped. I started to think of other things that point my thoughts in a different direction and I find myself again worrying that it'll be a while before I hear from him and when I do it will be just to say that life is just too stressful right now and that we can't be together. That would crush me. :/

I have to work on a paper and naturally I can't focus. I wish, for my own selfish reasons, that I could be talking to Jeff at this time. Just to break from reality, explain my stress and worry over finals, feel his comfort, hear about whats going on with him, be able to comfort him back, plan exciting events for the summer, hug him, hold his hand, kiss him...

The one thing that I keep trying to remember is that there is plenty of time. So what if we don't get to spend the end of this school year together encouraging each other to finish out strong with the semester. So what if we don't get to go to the zoo or baseball games in Chicago before the summer classes start? So what if we don't necessarily get to kick off the summer together. There is plenty of time ahead for those things and this is just a bit of a test. I don't need to be saddened about us missing out because I'm confident that there is plenty of time for us to be together and have fun. And soon, he'll let me in enough to be there for him during the struggles as well.

Alas, I still miss him.

I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine

I haven't blogged in quite a while. With school and work...I'm just so busy. I'm glad I haven't had time though because I went through some difficult times missing Mike. Stupid...I saw him the other day. A complete fluke. There he was stopped at a red light just outside the parking lot that I was in. I felt myself go numb all over. He didn't see me and if he did, I know he wouldn't care.

I think I'm finally and officially over waiting for him. Sure, I'm still hurt by him. The things he did left deep scars but I don't want him back. For that, I'm thankful.

However, this is my life and as pattern would have it I just don't think things will ever go smoothly.

As I've mentioned before, I've been seeing Jeff. What can I say about him? I haven't given him much to work with and yet he stayed around. I can't tell you how happy I am for that. My walls were up pretty high and somehow, slowly, they've come down. Unfortunately, just as I realize this he is putting up some walls himself.

I don't have much time to go into great lengths about this but I felt myself bursting at the seems and knew that if I could just write it down I'd feel a bit better.

He kind of just stopped talking. Claimed to be overwhelmed...busy with school and work. I believe this because Jeff is a hard worker, very independent, and takes pride in doing everything in the best possible way. I thought things were getting a little bit better. He apologized for the way he'd been acting and assured me that his feelings for me hadn't changed. I have to admit, I was pretty frightened because everything was following an all too familiar pattern that Mike laid out. So I thought things were okay.

Another few days go by and still we're not talking at all and haven't seen each other. I don't even see him in passing at school. It doesn't take long till I feel myself getting overwhelmed in class hoping that when I leave I'll pass him by. I was sitting in the hall between class crying. I even found myself being brought to tears in class. Up to this point my friends had been trying to give me hope but once this started to happen they pretty much said just forget him. I was devastated. His phone was dead for a couple tries that I made and then finally this past Friday morning it rang through. However, he didn't answer.

I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I text him saying that he was intelligent and has to understand the way that all of this looks. I went on to say it just felt like he wasn't saying "its over". I mentioned how I took all that he said into consideration but I honestly had no clue what was really going on. I said I would be understanding and give him space if he just let me know. I also said that if it was over, just say it. He has some of my things and I needed them back as well. After sending that I thought for a moment and added that I had kept him at a distance and wanted to take things slow. With his persistence in being with me I found myself caring for him and letting the walls down. I said I didn't want to lose him.

About an hour later I get a text back from him. He apologizes for how he's been acting to me and confesses the issue that's been happening. I'm not going to mention what he said but it was very serious. At the end he said he didn't know what to do and needed time by himself.

Couple things. From what I know of Jeff, this doesn't entirely surprise me. He is very independent and always has been. Plus with the issue that he mentioned I can understand needing some time. Believe me, as a girl I want to be there for him, in any way that I can. If its not the right thing to do then I will give him space. I felt so bad, I text him back to apologize for overreacting and told him if he needed me I'd be around. This was Friday the 20th and I still haven't heard from him.

Yeah, this makes me sad. I miss him and selfishly I wish I had him around. I'm trying to keep a positive thought that in just a bit of time he will come back and things will  be okay for us again. I miss him. Damn, I miss him.

To be honest I don't know how long to expect him to be gone. I did buy him some birthday gifts before all this happened. He hasn't had a chance to see them and unfortunately one of them will "expire" in a sense. They're tickets for a game. I don't want to use the tickets without him so I thought that if I don't hear from him by the end of finals week I'd send him a message explaining this situation then go from there. Hopefully, he'll have messaged me by then. I don't know.

I just wish I could hug him and bring him a little comfort. I feel somewhat regretful. This entire time he has been extremely great to me and in a way I took it for granted because I was being a dumb girl, sad over my past. Now he's at a distance and I fear that I could lose him.

Never take what you have for granted.

Memories Hurt...Everyday

Today, I emailed Mike.

I was sitting at work with very little to do and he was just there, on my mind. He has been for the past couple days, more heavily than most. For some reason I just decided to open up my personal email and message him. I've found in the past that even though certain people in my life are choosing not to be a part of my life it helps if I can still say just how they're making me feel. For a moment afterward I can breathe and feel a tiny bit more at ease. Not to say I do it often. There's been one other instance when I flat out text the person something along the lines of "I just have to say it's killing me not talking to you. Texting this out is letting me breathe". And it did. I felt relief. Obviously not the best relief but hell if I need it I'll take it.

So I did. I messaged him. The email said he was still on my mind. That I'm not as okay as I expected to be after 5 months. That I had no clue what is going on, what went on, and why nothing has returned to normal. That he was wrong in assuming that my friendship with Alex, Tim, and Steph would return to the way it was when we all were happy.

Still after this time a part with literally no connection to each other I continue to feel a dull ache because of him.

There is an emptiness inside of me that I cannot fill. I find myself thinking and believing he is the only person that could fix that emptiness. Not in the sense that he'd have to come back. I'm not unbelievably delusional. Just if he came around, treated me like a human being, and with some respect that proved he cared in the slightest, and told me the truth. I think the closure would come. For now, I wait.

I wish I didn't have to.

I wonder if it hurts him to know that I would erase the memory of him from my life completely. I would go back and do everything differently.

Does that mean I don't care for him? No...I do care for him. I was very happy with him and that's partly why the memories hurt so much. But I don't see the reason for this pain. I'm not that strong and I'm not learning anything from it. If anything I'm keeping myself from having anything with anyone, ever. I'm slowly blocking myself off. I feel it. Fuck.

This summer while at a concert in Chicago Mike got sick. I took him outside Millennium Park, further away from the crowd and the heat. We sat on the grass patch closest to the street were few people were under the shade of the tree. He laid there, trying to breath, feeling ill. I watch as he struggled, fearing what was going on. At one point he rolled over and vomited, including blood. I worried more. He felt embarrassed. I wanted to help in some way. He laid back, trying to relax, and I struggled to keep him from passing out. The moment itself passed and he came back, feeling a bit better. At this point the rest of our group came out to join us. They had no idea that the time we were away from them Mike was that ill, or that I was freaking out with worry of what he was going through and not being able to take care of him. For me, they were buzzed and bustling around us will he just looked at me. He grabbed my hand and traced with his finger to my palm "I <3 U" and then closed his hand in mine.

This memory has been replaying in my mind. God, I wish I could tell you what brings it to mind or why I don't notice I'm replaying this memory till way into it. I miss him. I'm weak and I miss him so much.

What do I miss? The memory, him, a delusion? I struggle with the fact of whether what we had was real or not. If I was just happy on my own and missed what he was really feeling.  

I want to move on. I WANT to be happy again. What the hell am I going through?

I could sit here and repeat the same thing over and over again, which is pretty much what I do with this blog now isn't it?

I'm a broken girl just wanting to figure out what it is that I need to do.

Mike, what was the point?

Aubree, what was the point?

Does It End?

Last Saturday, after just one drink, I felt the courage and curiosity to message Mike. My message to him plainly said "Do you not talk to me because you don't want to or is there something else?".  To my surprise yet again he responds and we talk for a little while. I must say, I'm angry at him.

He said he's sorry we're not friends anymore but we don't hang out with the same people. I called him on that one saying that made me feel like the only way we were friends before was because we were connected with other people, that was all I was to him. He also said there was nothing he could do about us not being friends anymore. Also crap. All he has to do is pick up the phone and message me. Anything, and I would have responded. He knows, right? ::sigh::

The conversation continued. Him saying I knew what I wanted and he figured out it wasn't what he wanted. I told him he didn't talk to me at all about what he was feeling, that it wasn't until the end that I realized this and how upset that made me. I told him I was upset that he played with me. Yeah...I was a little angry and at times it does feel like Mike played with me. What hurt the most was this:

"It really doesn't matter. And you know that is straight up bullshit. I told you so much shit. I confined the way I felt about most things in you. You were the only person that was there when I went through all that shit in May and June. I'm sorry we aren't friends. There isn't much I can do about that. I'm glad you and I dated though. It helped me realize what I needed in my life and in retrospect you were exactly what I needed to just finally move on with my life"

All I took from that was that I was only good enough to show him "the error of his ways" and point him in the right direction. Which was away from me. I wasn't good enough to be a part of his life, just good enough to show him what he needed and didn't need. What should I feel from that?! I'm angry. I wanted to be something more. I've never been something good enough for anyone. Why wasn't I good enough for him to want me in his life. Fuck.

I, in anger, responded with something like 'wow I'm glad I gave you what you needed, wish I were walking away with something from what we had'. I feel like I got nothing. Nothing...just emptiness now. That and regret. I hate regret but I feel it so much.

He never responded.

I couldn't understand why two weeks before he told me that he had loved me, that this other girl was nothing, that he cant explain why he ran away, and that he had been thinking about me and what happened. Why all that and then two weeks later say "Oh there's nothing I can do about us not being friends and you showed me what I needed and didn't need in my life". For a moment, it doesn't mesh up. Mike sends me in circles.

I'm so fucking dizzy from him that I'm getting sick...I used to get the good dizzy feeling from him. That is long gone :/ God I'm so bitter.

Why did he matter so much to me if this is all it will amount to? Honestly, can someone explain to me why relationships happen, that you have these amazing unforgettable moments and experiences, only for them to fall completely a part. For it to be like the other person doesn't even remember they happened? I guess maybe I was delusional.

I let him hold my heart. I made a mistake.

With that in mind I would like to introduce someone new to my blog. His name is Jeff.

In my attempt to move on from Mike I reconnected with my old dating website http://www.okcupid.com/ and ended up sharing messages with Jeff. Knowing I needed to move on and let go I decided to meet up with him. He's a really nice guy. I wish I had met him before the damage from Mike. There's so much that I'm holding back with Jeff because I have some strings tied to Mike. I mean to be honest if I wasn't "broken" over Mike I would have been thrilled to meet Jeff. I would have been blabbering on about him in my blog whiles ago. However, Mike impedes on my life.

Let me give Jeff some credit.

He goes to Northern like I do for computer science. He is very smart and ambitious. He has all these ideas about businesses and what his plans for the future are. I've never met someone like that before. Its nice to see. He has his own place, he has a good job, and he's been through his own rough patches and come out in the end. He's real, at least I think he is. I feel like an adult around him, and I trust that he's an adult too.

Last night he took me out to Chicago, to a comedy club. We got there just in time to get drinks and grab a seat. Once in the seat he put his arm around my shoulder and there it stayed for a good. His fingers played around on my shoulder and over to my neck, tangling in my hair. He wanted to touch me, with no expectation in return. Normally, I'm that person...the one who reaches over to rub someones neck or arm just playfully touching them. The receiving end...it was nice.

I can say that I'm amazed by the person Jeff is coming across as. I hope he's real. It'd be nice to meet someone real. What do I have to off though?

Time Continues To Pass

It has been a little over three months since Mike left me. All this time I was left feeling quite low. Its actually embarrassing to admit how I was feeling. Lets just say that every night I drove home from work I cried. Sometimes the tears were just little streams, other times I sobbed even after all the time that had went on. About two weeks ago my friend Kari suggested counseling to me...and it just about made sense.

I knew all along what was bothering me. It was the way he just kind of disappeared...out of my life. That, and the fact that what he left me with was a lie. Every part of me hurt with the thoughts of him because I valued him as a person and believed he valued me the same. I guess I was torn on confusion as well. Wondering if I made everything up in my mind, what he really thought about us or me, how happy he was with this new person. I hated thinking about it, about him, and I believed that in time it would go away. It didn't and I didn't know how to fix myself.

The friendship circle that remained after Mike left just wasn't the same. I can't exactly tell you what happened. Maybe Mike, in his own little way, was the glue. We're falling a part at an increasing rate and last Friday Alex informed me that he was leaving for Washington in February. Shortly after that Tim explains that he is moving to Chicago. All I can think and acknowledge is once they leave the circle is done. Sure, there could still be texts and phone calls. Maybe some random visits if we're lucky but it wont be the same. We cannot find our way back to what it used to be...What were we anyway? Did I make that up in my mind too? I hope not.

After a few drinks in us the outing dwindled down to just the four of us; Alex, Tim, Stephanie, and myself. I don't think we were together all that long before a fight came about. I said the reason Alex was moving was foolish. Steph chimed in and it appeared that because we had said something Tim finally told Alex what he felt. Apparently none of us thought it was a good idea or that Alex was serious in his reasoning. Tim runs away and I recall Alex mentioning something on why friends cant tell each other the truth.

This crushed me...and brought all my thoughts back to Mike.

Out of no where I'm picking up my phone and texting Mike about what Alex just said and how I feel its all bull. Mike responds...

I wont go through the whole conversation but he apologizes to me about what he did. Even admitted to have been thinking about things lately, me included, and how he has no one now. Unfortunately, I was more buzzed than I would have wanted to be when talking to Mike again for the first time...I didn't say what I would have wanted to say. Mainly I just stated how I was so shocked that he text me back and that all I'm thinking about is what the heck happened.

Mike said that he'd been on the road that we were on and it ended badly so he got scared and ran away. That's its taken him a while to come to terms with that. I wish I had asked what that meant exactly...

He asked me why after three months I would message him. I plainly said that I don't think he would understand. Hell, I don't fully understand it. He said "Why wouldn't I? I don't know why you think I wouldn't". My response: "Because...after three months all I wanted was to hear you say the truth. Say 'its over. I never cared like you did' so I could move on. What you said when you left kept me foolishly hoping on the side all this time".

The next text from him was the last text I received: "Thing was I did, and then I felt like I needed to run. I can't explain that. But by all means move on if you haven't because I'm not capable of love or anything like that. And I may never be. For what its worth I did love you but I got scared so I ran away covering it up will bullshit about nothing. And the other girl, she was nothing. Just a bad decision. I make way too many of those".

I never actually told Mike I loved him. We never exchanged those words. The closest it ever got was the few times he traced hearts on my hand or towards me. The only way he would have known is by assuming I loved him or reading the blog entries that I sent to him in the box with our memories a few months ago. However I'm not sure what but he said he did love me. At this point, I want to know what that means, meant, whatever.

I responded in some way saying I didn't think he was incapable but that all I wanted was to hear from him these three months. He never said anything after.

The following day, the gaping hole that was eating at me had closed up. In a strange way I felt completely healed. This may seem silly to everyone but I was unable to go certain places, think of certain memories, watch certain things. I can now. Its so weird...

Since then, I find myself hopeful on hearing from him again. I don't know if I ever will but I know I'd like to. I'm still thankful he told me what he did because I have some closure from it.

Thank you Mike.

PostSecret

One Month Today

Here I am sitting at my desk at work, with nothing to do like it seems to be on certain days I don't want to think or feel. It's sometimes enough to make me wonder where I went so wrong and why I deserve this. Too dramatic? Maybe but whether I'm just dramatic or not I'm definitely feeling this and I hate it :/

I had a dream with Mike last night. Unlike the dreams I've been having this one acknowledged that Mike and I weren't together anymore. Actually, I suppose it's how I'd imagine it, getting to see him again after all of this. I can't recall all of it but we were sitting together and I was asking the 'why' questions that plague my mind. Naturally, I don't remember any response from Mike. Probably a bunch of 'I don't knows' like that one night. :( But maybe I don't recall an answer from him because I don't know what his answers would be. His mother was also there. That was weird and made me sad. Made me miss his family, his grandma...Anyway she sat down to talk to me about when I 'disappeared' as she put it. She then said that Mike told her through an email that we broke up. I don't know what that meant but during the dream I was saddened to think that he couldn't even talk to his family about leaving me.

This dream caused me to wake in a terrible mood. Not only was my mood off but my thoughts were a mess. I let myself recall memories, detailed accounts of these memories. I went through the entire memory from beginning to end and of course they were the happy ones. I didn't even catch myself doing it so I could stop. I just did it..without thinking.

Later I looked at the date, September 7th. Exactly one month ago today I was meeting up with Mike on his driveway to have that talk that ended with me feeling like the most fortunate person in the world. The talk that lasted two and a half hours with so many tears and finally him just grabbing my hands after I asked him to stay and him telling me through tears 'Thats all you had to say'. Even now I'm thinking about the way he pulled me in for a kiss, how I could feel his sigh of relief through the kiss as I'm sure he could feel mine. I can't really describe that feeling and I feel that only those who have been through it would know what I'm talking about. For the longest time he felt so far away, I was grasping at anything wanting him back, and with that kiss and those few words I had it and I was more than thankful.

But none of that mattered.

Today my heart ached for him because I couldn't help but think of what happened a month ago. I miss him still, and I know I shouldn't. I can't tell you the countless people who tell me to stop, how he is such a jerk, that I shouldn't care. I still do and I can tell them all why but it wont make any sense. I'm deep in it and they're watching from the outside. I can't make them understand. I barely understand it myself.

I believe that in the next two weeks I will go through two more days like this. A month from the day he actually left and a month from the day I found out he lied. The last one will be the hardest because I'll be acknowledging a whole lot more than just he lied. I wish I didn't have to feel anymore.

Makie keeps telling me to look forward, that I'm not allowing myself to. Fuck that. All I want is to move on from this. I may not know Mike anymore but the part of him that is a shy timid person is more than real. Because of that part of him, I don't think he'll ever speak to me again and sometimes that's all I want. I'd like to think that some day, who knows when, Mike will think 'I was wrong in how I dealt with Aubree' and call me or message me for coffee. There is a great part of me that thinks if Mike ever sincerely says he is sorry for how he handles things and it seems that he is sorry and not just saying it because he knows he should be then I don't see why I can't be friends with him again.

Damn it, I know that no one will agree with me. Hell maybe he doesn't but Mikes friendship meant something to me. He meant something to me. This isn't a perfect world. People fuck up all the time. We, as humans, treat everything so poorly. For me, it'd be wrong to cut people off after one mistake. And sometimes depending on the persons whole life they may make a few mistakes. If you have a way of thinking and feeling instilled in you, it could be a difficult habit to break. Am I making up excuses for people? I'm sure others feel that way, but this is how I feel.

We are not perfect and I'd liked to think that if I were foolish at some point the person I went against would keep that in mind. I know I'm not perfect and I know at times I will hurt someone without thinking. Forgiveness shouldn't be so easily thrown about but it should be within reach as long as the person is willing to work for it and understands it value.

If Mike ever really thought of me as a friend and someday thinks 'I screwed up' I'd hope he knew me enough to know that he could come back.

I should stop thinking of that because that part of me is holding on to him and keeping me from healing. I can't find happiness in much anymore. The only time I'm mostly okay is at work. I don't know why and sadly I'm not here often but everywhere else I feel panicked. My heart races and I feel unhappy. I want to focus on something but I can't. Its like a scramble but I just have to deal with someone shaking the 'snow globe' of my life around. Eventually it stops, but like I said right now I'm so deep in it.

An End I Never Expected

Boy do I feel like a fool.

Mike broke up with me last Tuesday evening. He said he went away to his friends wedding, discussed everything with them, and decided that he needs to better himself before he can better anyone else life, bring anything to a relationship. Obviously there is more to it but what it came down to was that he felt he couldn't do a relationship while trying to 'fix' himself and didn't feel it was right to put me through that.

I would have stayed, through it all. I felt that it was important for him to have someone who really cared about him there, to lean on when he needed help. The way he made it seem was that he was in a hole and sometimes I feel you just can't do it alone. Mike, at the time, was one of the greatest people I knew and I would have freely given him anything if he needed it. Call me a fool, I probably still would...

I spent a week without any words from him after he said he wasn't going to push me away, that we were going to stay friends, that I was one of his true friends. My thoughts instantly circled around regret. I thought that if he pulled away and we were never to be friends anymore that I wish I could go back and do it differently. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed very much what we had. I was happy...but if that meant losing him as a friend I'd rather do it differently. His friendship really mattered that much to me and I was so afraid to lose it.

Yesterday I came home from my first day at NIU. It was awful. I couldn't focus in class. All my thoughts were around him, foolishly. I started feeling that this was going to be a bad semester and that I maybe I should take it off. I need the good grades and I know right now that I can't give into school what I needed. Mom took Steph aside and said that she'd been on facebook and saw my profile and felt sad. She then saw Mike and clicked on his profile. In his friends list on the side there was a girl she just happened to click on. When she did, it said that this girl and Mike were in a relationship. Steph then came into my room and asked if Alex had told me anything about Mike lately. She then got teary eyed and said she didn't want to tell met his but Mike was in a relationship.

I felt my whole body go numb. My heart ached in such a pain that I'd never felt before and all I could do was stare.

Mike lied to me.

Its just as plain as that. He lied to me and said he couldn't do a relationship, that we were friends, that I mattered. But...there's no way any of that was true. It hurt to know he was in a relationship but what hurt the most was knowing he lied straight to my face as I sat on his driveway crying to him. I can't help but think that I meant nothing. My mind can't really grasp this because I honestly thought that Mike and I were friends. How stupid must I be? He couldn't have cared about me, even in a friend sense, and do this.

I don't know who he is. I honestly thought I did. I would have given him anything in the world based on the fact that he was such a wonderful person. Knowing how great he was just makes it so you want to give just as much in return for their greatness. I trusted him. I never had any doubt with him and it all goes back to how he was just a good guy. I never needed worry.

None of that was true though.

He lied to me. I lied to myself. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't see how I didn't see it. I'm so stupid for just feeling comfortable with him and letting go. I trusted way too much and threw myself right into the opportunity to get hurt. I can't think about him, about this summer, about all the times we all hung out before the same. I'm so hurt by his actions.

If he didn't want to be with me, it would have hurt like hell but at least he would have been honest. He left me, for another girl, and he's dismissed me entirely from his life.

The stupid part is that really hurts. I should be mad and I guess glad to be rid of him, but I'm not...and that makes me stupid.

Whats wrong with me? How did I not see that his feelings weren't genuine? Why do I keep meeting men who only hurt me? I just don't get it. I see happy people and they get it. Whats so wrong with me that I get put in the situation over and over.

He makes me not want to feel anything for anyone anymore. I don't trust it and I can't take this again. I wish I could forget him.

Finally, Fighting For What I Want.

Things started to change a little with Mike. I couldn't really tell what was going on and I was scared. Lets face it, I've had awful experiences with men before and normally they pull away just before they leave. Mike somewhat stopped texting period. If I didn't send something to provoke a response I'm not sure when I would hear from him. We chatted about it and on a Saturday he said he was glad I told him how I felt and would make more of an attempt, but he admitted that texting wasn't his thing at all. This was somewhat of a surprise to me because when we first started hanging out we text all the time. He explained that maybe he was doing that to get me to like him, to have us have a chance to get to know each other and see if we really liked each other before trying to take it further. 

Tuesday ended up coming and he did it again. With worry of what may be going on, slightly fearing him leaving, and being stressed about other things I became really upset that I hadn't heard from him. Via text after 11pm we somewhat argued about how the texting was more important to me than it was to him. It seemed to be a much bigger deal for me while he was content without the constant text. I tried to explain that all day texting isn't what I need but with him being my boyfriend, and someone who I really care about and makes me really happy, hearing from him after work or something just for a little while before bed would be nice. We also got to discussing how I seem to wait around wondering if I'll see him this night or not. He seemed to take that as me saying we needed to see each other ever night as well. I didn't mean that. I was crying quite a bit because I was so frustrated that I couldn't really express what I wanted. He stopped texting and I didn't hear back from him till almost 2pm the next day.

At that point he said that he wanted to let everything just sit for a while and think about everything for a bit. I quickly responded, having thought quite a bit that day myself, asking if before he made any final decisions could we get together in person to talk, that I had been thinking too. Around 6pm that evening while at work he replied saying that would be fine. That he doesn't want to end up in another 5 year relationship where he ends up unhappy. That he was unsure if he rushed into a relationship when he clearly wasn't fully over the last one and how it effected him and that he felt like an asshole. I was at work. I felt my face flush and my heart pace quicken. I feared the worst. Was this text a simple pre-explanation for the breakup that was going to happen? :( I replied saying that I still wanted to see him and talk and that I wish he didn't feel that way but I couldn't imagine there was much I could do to make him feel differently. 

The following days were torture, to me. I felt that Mike was going to leave me and was unsure there was anything I could do. I continued thinking and realized that if texting was really that big of an issue that it wasn't worth it. I'd rather have him than texts. I could deal without it and we would work something out. I also realized that my pill is making me so crazed and hormonal. I felt the need to explain that, a little more, so that he realized my irrational argument wasn't really me and that I was sorry. The other thing I had thought of was that all my previous relationships were so different. These men lived at least 45 minutes away. In those cases we had set schedules on when to see each other and filled the rest of the time with texts. I realized it didn't have to be that way with Mike because we live less than 10 minutes apart. Things can just happen. I just hoped I was going to be able to explain this to Mike before he decided we weren't good for each other. 

Mike and I last exchanged texts on Wednesday evening. By Friday I was feeling so weak. I went out that evening to see my best friend. After hours of sitting there, saying the same thing, fighting off tears, we decided that if I hadn't heard back from Mike by Sunday after I got off work that I should send him a message or call him. She said that was plenty of time for him to think and the more I had to wait without knowing anything the more unfair it was becoming. I went to work Saturday and was being trained by a new lady. She was very nice and open to me. I ended up breaking down to her, telling her that I wasn't going to be much use because I was in a daze of worry. She was going through boyfriend problems as well. We had a connection. 

I receive no signal at my work so when my phone went off saying I had a voicemail I freaked. I rarely get calls and voicemails. My co-worker told me to go stand outside and check my voicemail, that hopefully it was Mike. When I started listening to my voicemail the message started saying it was from number 630. My heart pace quickened because Mikes area code is 630. Before hearing the rest of the number I clicked to listen to it. It was my dad who I don't really speak to. At that moment adrenaline was flying through my veins. Before I realized what I was doing my fingers were calling Mike at 11:30am on that Saturday. It rang straight to voicemail. I proceeded to leave a message. I plainly said that I was trying to respect his request for time but at this point I was worried. Mid-message my phone beeped. Mike was calling me back.

I clicked over in fear and excitement. He apologized and said he was at work. I explained that I was on my break and had been leaving him a message. I then said that this time was making me worried. He somewhat cut me off and said don't worry. We're okay. My heart was bursting. I replied with a 'Really?' and he said yes. Yes we're fine. I started to cry, stupidly (I hate crying especially to a guy). Through tears I tried to say that I was so relieved to hear that. Mike tried to calm me and said that he just wanted to take things slow and that he had been busy recently plus was thinking. I regained my composure and he said we could get together the next day after 7pm to talk more about this. I couldn't wait. 

8pm the next day came and I hadn't heard from Mike. I said something casual like 'Let me know what time you were wanting to get together tonight'. He replied that he wasn't sure tonight was going to work out. That he was tired and cranky from a friends bachelors party the night before and having to work all day. This was killer. I had been waiting since Tuesday to talk to him and now it was further away. He also explain that the following day he was going to six flags for his birthday and needed to be up early. I said that I didn't have to stay long and that I had a gift I planned on giving him that night, but if I could come over Monday after they got home that would work too. I wanted to see him on his birthday. He then said okay come over now. We'll sit on the driveway and talk for a little bit. Driveway? I felt pushed away.

When I got there he had a chair on the driveway and was just sitting there. He pulled out a chair for me and we just sat there. Finally I asked him what he had been thinking of. He explained that he wasn't still hung up on his ex but the situation. The being hurt from it, damaged. Never doing the 'single' thing. Not having grieved over his grandpa's death yet. That he wasn't emotional. That it wasn't fair to expect me to accept his life, which he said sucked, as a part of my own. I felt defeated. He was giving reasons that I didn't think I could fight. I understood and  was afraid that right now there was nothing I could do. He went more into detail that he can't plan for the future. That when he does serious things happen that hold him back. That he can't move in the near future because he has to take care of his family. That he just lets things build up and build up never letting it break down. That he goes to his job and just ignores the rest. I was crying the entire time. Part from my sadness of thinking he was leaving and a greater part because he felt this way and I didn't want him feeling this pain and loneliness. 

I took my time to explain the few things that I wanted to. He said the texting thing wasn't right for me to give up because that is a part of who I am, what I want, and I shouldn't have to change for him. I tried to help him see that it was an old way of things and we could do it differently. That he means more to me and that I'm willing to let that go and we'd work from there. We discussed the unhealthy way he was feeling and how I want to be there for him so he doesn't have to feel so alone. I refuted his 'I'm not emotional' statement because he had been very emotion at times with me. Maybe not even with statements but just the looks we would occasionally share. I didn't want him to feel alone. He said he didn't want anyone to worry about him or care about him, that he could do it on his own. I said tough luck. Its too late I already care about you and I don't see how I can change that. 

For 2 and a half hours we sat on his driveway discussing, crying, laughing, being ourselves. Our seating changed from just being next to each other to somewhat facing each other. We'd switch off, one person leaning in and then the other. It didn't feel like a break up. We were so comfortable. I couldn't understand. Finally I started asking what is happening to us, what does this mean? His response was I don't know. During that 2 and a half hours the phrases 'I don't know' and 'I don't know what to say' were used so often. Part of me wondered if maybe he didn't want to leave. He just kept saying that it was unfair to me and being that he wasn't so sure this was right it wasn't okay to leave me in the gray area. I didn't care, black, white, gray. I wanted to be apart of his life.

He ended up saying that he didn't know anyone like me. That he felt if we ended it he would lose me. We tried to figure out if we broke up what we could do as far as still talking and seeing each other. I said how could we just invite each other out or visit at each others houses. That I didn't know what the rules were and would need some serious rules if we were to do that. He stated that he supposed it might be strange hanging out unless we went out somewhere right? In anger I said no not to me! Because it's different for me. I want to see you. I want to be with you. I put my head in my hands and let tears silently fell. He asked if I was okay and I said 'Not technically'. He grabbed my hand, touching me for the first time that night, and said I can't do this. My head and heart were hoping he was saying 'I can't leave you. I don't want to'. I asked what and he said I don't know and he let go of my hand. 

I said that I wish I could tell him how foolish he was. That I was something good and something stable and want to stand by his side, be there for him. I stared at the end of the driveway and Mike said 'What should I do' I shook my head and said I can't tell you what I'm thinking. He fought with me to tell him. I looked straight at him with tears in my eyes and said 'Stay with me'. With a fierceness he said do you think thats what's best. If you think thats gonna work tell me now because I'll do it. I didn't know what to say. Finally I said yes. Now that I know what you're feeling I can be there for you, we can take it slow and work through this. You don't have to be alone and if it doesn't work out at least we knew that we tried. He grabbed both my hands and started getting choked up. I started to cry by this and he said 'Thats all you needed to say. Thats all you had to say'. I let the tears fall and he kissed me hard and fast. Tears and kisses mixed. We rested foreheads against each other and both breathed as if we were saying 'finally'. He leaned back and still choked up said 'I need help. I need your help, Aubree. I really care about you. I really care about you'. I pulled closer to him and said that I would be there for him, I promised. 

He invited me into his house and we rekindled our relationship. 

I've written all this down because I don't want to let the memory go. I've never just said what I wanted before. I wanted him, I want him. I told him and I got what I want. He knows how I feel, how much I care for him and how I will be there for him. Maybe he's had bad experiences but I will be the difference. I care about Mike so much. 

I wont forget this.