Things started to change a little with Mike. I couldn't really tell what was going on and I was scared. Lets face it, I've had awful experiences with men before and normally they pull away just before they leave. Mike somewhat stopped texting period. If I didn't send something to provoke a response I'm not sure when I would hear from him. We chatted about it and on a Saturday he said he was glad I told him how I felt and would make more of an attempt, but he admitted that texting wasn't his thing at all. This was somewhat of a surprise to me because when we first started hanging out we text all the time. He explained that maybe he was doing that to get me to like him, to have us have a chance to get to know each other and see if we really liked each other before trying to take it further.
Tuesday ended up coming and he did it again. With worry of what may be going on, slightly fearing him leaving, and being stressed about other things I became really upset that I hadn't heard from him. Via text after 11pm we somewhat argued about how the texting was more important to me than it was to him. It seemed to be a much bigger deal for me while he was content without the constant text. I tried to explain that all day texting isn't what I need but with him being my boyfriend, and someone who I really care about and makes me really happy, hearing from him after work or something just for a little while before bed would be nice. We also got to discussing how I seem to wait around wondering if I'll see him this night or not. He seemed to take that as me saying we needed to see each other ever night as well. I didn't mean that. I was crying quite a bit because I was so frustrated that I couldn't really express what I wanted. He stopped texting and I didn't hear back from him till almost 2pm the next day.
At that point he said that he wanted to let everything just sit for a while and think about everything for a bit. I quickly responded, having thought quite a bit that day myself, asking if before he made any final decisions could we get together in person to talk, that I had been thinking too. Around 6pm that evening while at work he replied saying that would be fine. That he doesn't want to end up in another 5 year relationship where he ends up unhappy. That he was unsure if he rushed into a relationship when he clearly wasn't fully over the last one and how it effected him and that he felt like an asshole. I was at work. I felt my face flush and my heart pace quicken. I feared the worst. Was this text a simple pre-explanation for the breakup that was going to happen? :( I replied saying that I still wanted to see him and talk and that I wish he didn't feel that way but I couldn't imagine there was much I could do to make him feel differently.
The following days were torture, to me. I felt that Mike was going to leave me and was unsure there was anything I could do. I continued thinking and realized that if texting was really that big of an issue that it wasn't worth it. I'd rather have him than texts. I could deal without it and we would work something out. I also realized that my pill is making me so crazed and hormonal. I felt the need to explain that, a little more, so that he realized my irrational argument wasn't really me and that I was sorry. The other thing I had thought of was that all my previous relationships were so different. These men lived at least 45 minutes away. In those cases we had set schedules on when to see each other and filled the rest of the time with texts. I realized it didn't have to be that way with Mike because we live less than 10 minutes apart. Things can just happen. I just hoped I was going to be able to explain this to Mike before he decided we weren't good for each other.
Mike and I last exchanged texts on Wednesday evening. By Friday I was feeling so weak. I went out that evening to see my best friend. After hours of sitting there, saying the same thing, fighting off tears, we decided that if I hadn't heard back from Mike by Sunday after I got off work that I should send him a message or call him. She said that was plenty of time for him to think and the more I had to wait without knowing anything the more unfair it was becoming. I went to work Saturday and was being trained by a new lady. She was very nice and open to me. I ended up breaking down to her, telling her that I wasn't going to be much use because I was in a daze of worry. She was going through boyfriend problems as well. We had a connection.
I receive no signal at my work so when my phone went off saying I had a voicemail I freaked. I rarely get calls and voicemails. My co-worker told me to go stand outside and check my voicemail, that hopefully it was Mike. When I started listening to my voicemail the message started saying it was from number 630. My heart pace quickened because Mikes area code is 630. Before hearing the rest of the number I clicked to listen to it. It was my dad who I don't really speak to. At that moment adrenaline was flying through my veins. Before I realized what I was doing my fingers were calling Mike at 11:30am on that Saturday. It rang straight to voicemail. I proceeded to leave a message. I plainly said that I was trying to respect his request for time but at this point I was worried. Mid-message my phone beeped. Mike was calling me back.
I clicked over in fear and excitement. He apologized and said he was at work. I explained that I was on my break and had been leaving him a message. I then said that this time was making me worried. He somewhat cut me off and said don't worry. We're okay. My heart was bursting. I replied with a 'Really?' and he said yes. Yes we're fine. I started to cry, stupidly (I hate crying especially to a guy). Through tears I tried to say that I was so relieved to hear that. Mike tried to calm me and said that he just wanted to take things slow and that he had been busy recently plus was thinking. I regained my composure and he said we could get together the next day after 7pm to talk more about this. I couldn't wait.
8pm the next day came and I hadn't heard from Mike. I said something casual like 'Let me know what time you were wanting to get together tonight'. He replied that he wasn't sure tonight was going to work out. That he was tired and cranky from a friends bachelors party the night before and having to work all day. This was killer. I had been waiting since Tuesday to talk to him and now it was further away. He also explain that the following day he was going to six flags for his birthday and needed to be up early. I said that I didn't have to stay long and that I had a gift I planned on giving him that night, but if I could come over Monday after they got home that would work too. I wanted to see him on his birthday. He then said okay come over now. We'll sit on the driveway and talk for a little bit. Driveway? I felt pushed away.
When I got there he had a chair on the driveway and was just sitting there. He pulled out a chair for me and we just sat there. Finally I asked him what he had been thinking of. He explained that he wasn't still hung up on his ex but the situation. The being hurt from it, damaged. Never doing the 'single' thing. Not having grieved over his grandpa's death yet. That he wasn't emotional. That it wasn't fair to expect me to accept his life, which he said sucked, as a part of my own. I felt defeated. He was giving reasons that I didn't think I could fight. I understood and was afraid that right now there was nothing I could do. He went more into detail that he can't plan for the future. That when he does serious things happen that hold him back. That he can't move in the near future because he has to take care of his family. That he just lets things build up and build up never letting it break down. That he goes to his job and just ignores the rest. I was crying the entire time. Part from my sadness of thinking he was leaving and a greater part because he felt this way and I didn't want him feeling this pain and loneliness.
I took my time to explain the few things that I wanted to. He said the texting thing wasn't right for me to give up because that is a part of who I am, what I want, and I shouldn't have to change for him. I tried to help him see that it was an old way of things and we could do it differently. That he means more to me and that I'm willing to let that go and we'd work from there. We discussed the unhealthy way he was feeling and how I want to be there for him so he doesn't have to feel so alone. I refuted his 'I'm not emotional' statement because he had been very emotion at times with me. Maybe not even with statements but just the looks we would occasionally share. I didn't want him to feel alone. He said he didn't want anyone to worry about him or care about him, that he could do it on his own. I said tough luck. Its too late I already care about you and I don't see how I can change that.
For 2 and a half hours we sat on his driveway discussing, crying, laughing, being ourselves. Our seating changed from just being next to each other to somewhat facing each other. We'd switch off, one person leaning in and then the other. It didn't feel like a break up. We were so comfortable. I couldn't understand. Finally I started asking what is happening to us, what does this mean? His response was I don't know. During that 2 and a half hours the phrases 'I don't know' and 'I don't know what to say' were used so often. Part of me wondered if maybe he didn't want to leave. He just kept saying that it was unfair to me and being that he wasn't so sure this was right it wasn't okay to leave me in the gray area. I didn't care, black, white, gray. I wanted to be apart of his life.
He ended up saying that he didn't know anyone like me. That he felt if we ended it he would lose me. We tried to figure out if we broke up what we could do as far as still talking and seeing each other. I said how could we just invite each other out or visit at each others houses. That I didn't know what the rules were and would need some serious rules if we were to do that. He stated that he supposed it might be strange hanging out unless we went out somewhere right? In anger I said no not to me! Because it's different for me. I want to see you. I want to be with you. I put my head in my hands and let tears silently fell. He asked if I was okay and I said 'Not technically'. He grabbed my hand, touching me for the first time that night, and said I can't do this. My head and heart were hoping he was saying 'I can't leave you. I don't want to'. I asked what and he said I don't know and he let go of my hand.
I said that I wish I could tell him how foolish he was. That I was something good and something stable and want to stand by his side, be there for him. I stared at the end of the driveway and Mike said 'What should I do' I shook my head and said I can't tell you what I'm thinking. He fought with me to tell him. I looked straight at him with tears in my eyes and said 'Stay with me'. With a fierceness he said do you think thats what's best. If you think thats gonna work tell me now because I'll do it. I didn't know what to say. Finally I said yes. Now that I know what you're feeling I can be there for you, we can take it slow and work through this. You don't have to be alone and if it doesn't work out at least we knew that we tried. He grabbed both my hands and started getting choked up. I started to cry by this and he said 'Thats all you needed to say. Thats all you had to say'. I let the tears fall and he kissed me hard and fast. Tears and kisses mixed. We rested foreheads against each other and both breathed as if we were saying 'finally'. He leaned back and still choked up said 'I need help. I need your help, Aubree. I really care about you. I really care about you'. I pulled closer to him and said that I would be there for him, I promised.
He invited me into his house and we rekindled our relationship.
I've written all this down because I don't want to let the memory go. I've never just said what I wanted before. I wanted him, I want him. I told him and I got what I want. He knows how I feel, how much I care for him and how I will be there for him. Maybe he's had bad experiences but I will be the difference. I care about Mike so much.
I wont forget this.
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