Why Not Me?

Once again here I am. Why is it the only time I ever want to write here is when my heart feels like it is shattering into a million little pieces?

Saturday the 15th I had a really lovely date with this man named Wayne. We spent nearly 12 hours together! Drinks, puppies, dinner, chats, music, darts,...kisses. It really was lovely. However the very next day things changed.

He stopped texting as much, stopped attempting phone calls to me. He has yet to ask me to see him again. The clear sign says that he's not interested. But there is a side of me that can't honestly imagine how he isn't after that date. 

I guess I am a fool for love. I know not one thing about it. I suck at it apparently. All I know is each man that comes into my life, even for such a brief moment, I find myself attached to him. I am hopeful and dreaming of the moment when I wont have to let go. 

But far too often I have to let go. 

I'm 26 and I realize that is young for these days but there is a part of me that worries I will never find him. Maybe I'm not meant to find the one. 

There is an emptiness in my life, in my heart. I know what that void is from and I cant seem to fill it. Each time I put myself out there in the hopes that I will fill it I come back more bruised. I can't see the worth in trying again but continually I do. Masochist?

Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.

I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine

I haven't blogged in quite a while. With school and work...I'm just so busy. I'm glad I haven't had time though because I went through some difficult times missing Mike. Stupid...I saw him the other day. A complete fluke. There he was stopped at a red light just outside the parking lot that I was in. I felt myself go numb all over. He didn't see me and if he did, I know he wouldn't care.

I think I'm finally and officially over waiting for him. Sure, I'm still hurt by him. The things he did left deep scars but I don't want him back. For that, I'm thankful.

However, this is my life and as pattern would have it I just don't think things will ever go smoothly.

As I've mentioned before, I've been seeing Jeff. What can I say about him? I haven't given him much to work with and yet he stayed around. I can't tell you how happy I am for that. My walls were up pretty high and somehow, slowly, they've come down. Unfortunately, just as I realize this he is putting up some walls himself.

I don't have much time to go into great lengths about this but I felt myself bursting at the seems and knew that if I could just write it down I'd feel a bit better.

He kind of just stopped talking. Claimed to be overwhelmed...busy with school and work. I believe this because Jeff is a hard worker, very independent, and takes pride in doing everything in the best possible way. I thought things were getting a little bit better. He apologized for the way he'd been acting and assured me that his feelings for me hadn't changed. I have to admit, I was pretty frightened because everything was following an all too familiar pattern that Mike laid out. So I thought things were okay.

Another few days go by and still we're not talking at all and haven't seen each other. I don't even see him in passing at school. It doesn't take long till I feel myself getting overwhelmed in class hoping that when I leave I'll pass him by. I was sitting in the hall between class crying. I even found myself being brought to tears in class. Up to this point my friends had been trying to give me hope but once this started to happen they pretty much said just forget him. I was devastated. His phone was dead for a couple tries that I made and then finally this past Friday morning it rang through. However, he didn't answer.

I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I text him saying that he was intelligent and has to understand the way that all of this looks. I went on to say it just felt like he wasn't saying "its over". I mentioned how I took all that he said into consideration but I honestly had no clue what was really going on. I said I would be understanding and give him space if he just let me know. I also said that if it was over, just say it. He has some of my things and I needed them back as well. After sending that I thought for a moment and added that I had kept him at a distance and wanted to take things slow. With his persistence in being with me I found myself caring for him and letting the walls down. I said I didn't want to lose him.

About an hour later I get a text back from him. He apologizes for how he's been acting to me and confesses the issue that's been happening. I'm not going to mention what he said but it was very serious. At the end he said he didn't know what to do and needed time by himself.

Couple things. From what I know of Jeff, this doesn't entirely surprise me. He is very independent and always has been. Plus with the issue that he mentioned I can understand needing some time. Believe me, as a girl I want to be there for him, in any way that I can. If its not the right thing to do then I will give him space. I felt so bad, I text him back to apologize for overreacting and told him if he needed me I'd be around. This was Friday the 20th and I still haven't heard from him.

Yeah, this makes me sad. I miss him and selfishly I wish I had him around. I'm trying to keep a positive thought that in just a bit of time he will come back and things will  be okay for us again. I miss him. Damn, I miss him.

To be honest I don't know how long to expect him to be gone. I did buy him some birthday gifts before all this happened. He hasn't had a chance to see them and unfortunately one of them will "expire" in a sense. They're tickets for a game. I don't want to use the tickets without him so I thought that if I don't hear from him by the end of finals week I'd send him a message explaining this situation then go from there. Hopefully, he'll have messaged me by then. I don't know.

I just wish I could hug him and bring him a little comfort. I feel somewhat regretful. This entire time he has been extremely great to me and in a way I took it for granted because I was being a dumb girl, sad over my past. Now he's at a distance and I fear that I could lose him.

Never take what you have for granted.

Say you will be all around me When your body sets your heart free Say you will be all around me

I feel absolutely nauseous.

Last night I broke down and after two days of not saying anything to Matthew I sent him an email.

Mainly I said that I wanted a chance. I didn't actually ask and I wasn't going to beg but its obvious that was probably the intent of my email.

There was a mix of apologizing for my mistake, reassurance that my drunkenness was not me, and that he should remember the things he liked of me. I told him that I needed to take this chance, of sending him and 'I'm sorry. Please think it over' email. What kind of person would I be if I didn't take the chances that I felt needed to be taken? This was important to me. He is worth it.

I did state that I would not be the nagging ex that just will not go away. I assume not hearing from him means...its over. He is done with me forever.

I was on the dating website that we met each other through. As an update it showed me that he had changed and added some new pictures. Pictures without his beard...He made a comment about how with the beard he was only attracting women with children and was happy I responded. By taking those down and putting no facial hair ones up I'm so scared someone is going to message him or respond to something he says.

God why am I so fucking dumb. I had something really good. Something I was really happy about. He left me...Why did he have to leave me?

Anyway...the updates of him made my heart hurt so much that tears instantly ran. So here I am trying to type it all out so I'm not seen crying in front of my friends and family. ::sigh::

Its Thanksgiving break at school. When we first started dating Matthew said he wanted me with him for as much of the break that we could have together. Can you guess what is going through my mind lately? Since I wouldn't have any plans this week or weekend I volunteered to work this Friday and Saturday. In attempt to keep my mind off of Matthew I have caused other coworkers of mine to be very upset.

I also just got a car yesterday. Too little too late. When driving away I told Heather, my bff, that had I bought this car just a few weeks ago maybe things would have been different. I would have loved seeing Matthew more often. I'm probably dumb for wondering if telling him that I have a car would effect his mind at all. No...what am I thinking. Matthew is a smart, mature man that would not be so stupid. I'm the stupid one, again.

I was looking forward to him loving me at some point as well as me loving him. I felt so happy. So ready. For once I wasn't scared. I jumped without looking and trusted him.

Matthew I wish you would come back.