Wish You Were Near

I miss you.

Sadly I can't tell you. 

Maybe I can, maybe I have, but I'm afraid and I really wish that wasn't the case.

Yesterday morning I sent Jeff an email. If I know him, he probably isn't checking his personal email lately anyway. I sent it to relieve some of that anxiety of wanting to say anything to him. Needless to say, I rambled on a bit. I was afraid to focus just on missing him or just on wishing things were better for him. So I started to ramble about things that have been going on with me. Of course when I started the email I just wanted to be able to write it. After sending it I found myself hoping to hear from him. I haven't.

I went to bed so early yesterday that this morning I was up at 6:15 and I didn't want to be. When you're awake you think about all the things you don't want to. Asleep is a little different. In that light haze of the morning I wanted Jeff laying next to me. I wanted to lean over and cuddle into him and just feel that relief. Instead I turned to my other side, hiding my face in my pillow, hoping to block out the world.

I got called into work early. On the days that I am, I go in sit in the back and work as the switchboard operator. They had the radio on and a Goo Goo Dolls song came on. Sitting alone in my cubicle I missed Jeff all the more. He loves the Goo Goo Dolls. So the rest of the day I attempted to work and finish up a paper for class. I did, successfully, but still he's on my mind.

I can't help but regret the way I've been with him these past months. I knew at the time how great he was to me. I understood that I should feel very lucky and happy but I let stupid Mike get to me. How can people be so foolish? I continued to hurt over a guy who left me on a lie while the kindest man was trying to win my affection. I am a rude person.

Being me, I think that if I had been different and not let Mike get to me maybe Jeff wouldn't be distant now.

Regret. Its always there.

Oh His Eyes

I definitely have a crush on Jim. Because I do not have a car at the moment it's really difficult to see him with our bit of distance. Time was going by and I was sure that I wasn't going to see him again. Sadly I tend to think that way anyway. I had invited him to a party my friend and I were throwing. It just happened to be the same day as Warped Tour. When Jim and I had chatted about it he mentioned how maybe he could shower at the house before the party if he came after Warped but it was never set in stone or anything. The week of the party came and I hadn't heard anything from him. I had mentioned a few days before about how I hoped Warped worked out for him because it was a good time but I would be slightly pouty at the party and he said not to say that because I was making him feel bad. So when it was the day before the party and I hadn't heard from him I either thought negatively that we weren't going to be talking again or that he was avoiding trying to disappoint me. I was driving around getting some things together for the party that night and around 7pm he text me asking if there would be a shower and a towel for him to use. I was shocked. After a few texts back and forth I was giddy with excitement and nervousness. My bff, sister, and I ran home and started getting ready for the party. A few people started to show up and I grew increasingly nervous. Jim would be there soon! There was a knock at the door and I went to answer it and it was him. Immediately his eyes pulled me in and had me feeling a little dizzy. Of course he came in met some of my friends and then went on to shower. He came out after a bit and surprised me by wrapping his arm around my waist. The tingles and chills I felt from that...they were amazing. The night went on quite well. Few people playing games and sharing drinks and stories. Slowly Jim and I warmed up to each other. Hand holding, small kisses, arms wrapped around each other. At one point Jim and I were standing in the kitchen while my friends sat in the livings room. We were kinda just looking in. His arm which was wrapped around my waist moved. He placed his fingers in my hair and started to just play. I leaned sideways towards him and just closed my eyes. I remember just smiling and breathing that moment in. It felt so good. I didn't want the night to end. The party was dying down. Two friends were still there along with Jim, my sister, and my self. Jim and I just cuddled a bit while the other three played some card tricks as they tried to sober up. I went into the living room to let out the dog. Jim followed. It was the first moment we had by ourselves since he got there. As I let the dog out I turned to find him very close. He leaned in a and kissed me. I kiss that left me breathless and dizzy. After that I honestly just wanted the others to go home so I could just be with him and not have to play host. I got my wish. I said goodbye to my friends, showed my sister the room she would be staying in, and then showed Jim to our room. We laid down near each other and the rest of the night was just amazing. Those details are for me :) but I can tell you I woke feeling amazing and every time I find myself daydreaming about that night I'm caught smiling to myself. I love laying with Jim. He wraps his arms around me so tight. Tucks me into him so that were connected like a puzzle piece. His hands move over my body and through my hair relaxing me. And random kisses are placed all over my face. I've cuddle with a variety of guys before but none have ever treated me like that. Its so hard not to get weak around him. That day was definitely a nice relaxing day for Jim and I. We showered and got some food and then ended up sitting in the living room with my friends just cuddling. Because the day before had taken so much out of both of us with him at Warped and me working and setting up for the party we ended up falling asleep on the sofa. I love those arms... Unfortunately the time came when he would have to leave. We were standing in the kitchen discussing how it was getting late. I was leaning against the counter across from him while he leaned into the island. I just looked at him, those beautiful eyes. He leaned forward and wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me towards him. We just hugged for a good while. All I kept thinking was how amazing I felt there and I how I didn't want to let go because I would have to say goodbye. But I had to. I walked him to his car. We hugged and kissed goodbye. As I walked back to the house while he drove away tears came to my eyes. I felt like a foolish girl. I still kinda do. I've become so attached to him. To the idea of an us. I try not to but I let my mind wander to the different things we could do and be together. Will I hurt myself in the end because of these thoughts? Lately things have not gone my way. They haven't even turned out fairly decent. I'm pretty terrified that Jim is going to be another tease of what I really want but cannot have. I've come to the decision that I'm just going to go with it. Things will play out as they should. Hopefully things will turn out very well and if not Jim will have been apart of my life and I will definitely have our many good memories together.