Does It End?

Last Saturday, after just one drink, I felt the courage and curiosity to message Mike. My message to him plainly said "Do you not talk to me because you don't want to or is there something else?".  To my surprise yet again he responds and we talk for a little while. I must say, I'm angry at him.

He said he's sorry we're not friends anymore but we don't hang out with the same people. I called him on that one saying that made me feel like the only way we were friends before was because we were connected with other people, that was all I was to him. He also said there was nothing he could do about us not being friends anymore. Also crap. All he has to do is pick up the phone and message me. Anything, and I would have responded. He knows, right? ::sigh::

The conversation continued. Him saying I knew what I wanted and he figured out it wasn't what he wanted. I told him he didn't talk to me at all about what he was feeling, that it wasn't until the end that I realized this and how upset that made me. I told him I was upset that he played with me. Yeah...I was a little angry and at times it does feel like Mike played with me. What hurt the most was this:

"It really doesn't matter. And you know that is straight up bullshit. I told you so much shit. I confined the way I felt about most things in you. You were the only person that was there when I went through all that shit in May and June. I'm sorry we aren't friends. There isn't much I can do about that. I'm glad you and I dated though. It helped me realize what I needed in my life and in retrospect you were exactly what I needed to just finally move on with my life"

All I took from that was that I was only good enough to show him "the error of his ways" and point him in the right direction. Which was away from me. I wasn't good enough to be a part of his life, just good enough to show him what he needed and didn't need. What should I feel from that?! I'm angry. I wanted to be something more. I've never been something good enough for anyone. Why wasn't I good enough for him to want me in his life. Fuck.

I, in anger, responded with something like 'wow I'm glad I gave you what you needed, wish I were walking away with something from what we had'. I feel like I got nothing. Nothing...just emptiness now. That and regret. I hate regret but I feel it so much.

He never responded.

I couldn't understand why two weeks before he told me that he had loved me, that this other girl was nothing, that he cant explain why he ran away, and that he had been thinking about me and what happened. Why all that and then two weeks later say "Oh there's nothing I can do about us not being friends and you showed me what I needed and didn't need in my life". For a moment, it doesn't mesh up. Mike sends me in circles.

I'm so fucking dizzy from him that I'm getting sick...I used to get the good dizzy feeling from him. That is long gone :/ God I'm so bitter.

Why did he matter so much to me if this is all it will amount to? Honestly, can someone explain to me why relationships happen, that you have these amazing unforgettable moments and experiences, only for them to fall completely a part. For it to be like the other person doesn't even remember they happened? I guess maybe I was delusional.

I let him hold my heart. I made a mistake.

With that in mind I would like to introduce someone new to my blog. His name is Jeff.

In my attempt to move on from Mike I reconnected with my old dating website http://www.okcupid.com/ and ended up sharing messages with Jeff. Knowing I needed to move on and let go I decided to meet up with him. He's a really nice guy. I wish I had met him before the damage from Mike. There's so much that I'm holding back with Jeff because I have some strings tied to Mike. I mean to be honest if I wasn't "broken" over Mike I would have been thrilled to meet Jeff. I would have been blabbering on about him in my blog whiles ago. However, Mike impedes on my life.

Let me give Jeff some credit.

He goes to Northern like I do for computer science. He is very smart and ambitious. He has all these ideas about businesses and what his plans for the future are. I've never met someone like that before. Its nice to see. He has his own place, he has a good job, and he's been through his own rough patches and come out in the end. He's real, at least I think he is. I feel like an adult around him, and I trust that he's an adult too.

Last night he took me out to Chicago, to a comedy club. We got there just in time to get drinks and grab a seat. Once in the seat he put his arm around my shoulder and there it stayed for a good. His fingers played around on my shoulder and over to my neck, tangling in my hair. He wanted to touch me, with no expectation in return. Normally, I'm that person...the one who reaches over to rub someones neck or arm just playfully touching them. The receiving end...it was nice.

I can say that I'm amazed by the person Jeff is coming across as. I hope he's real. It'd be nice to meet someone real. What do I have to off though?

Time Continues To Pass

It has been a little over three months since Mike left me. All this time I was left feeling quite low. Its actually embarrassing to admit how I was feeling. Lets just say that every night I drove home from work I cried. Sometimes the tears were just little streams, other times I sobbed even after all the time that had went on. About two weeks ago my friend Kari suggested counseling to me...and it just about made sense.

I knew all along what was bothering me. It was the way he just kind of disappeared...out of my life. That, and the fact that what he left me with was a lie. Every part of me hurt with the thoughts of him because I valued him as a person and believed he valued me the same. I guess I was torn on confusion as well. Wondering if I made everything up in my mind, what he really thought about us or me, how happy he was with this new person. I hated thinking about it, about him, and I believed that in time it would go away. It didn't and I didn't know how to fix myself.

The friendship circle that remained after Mike left just wasn't the same. I can't exactly tell you what happened. Maybe Mike, in his own little way, was the glue. We're falling a part at an increasing rate and last Friday Alex informed me that he was leaving for Washington in February. Shortly after that Tim explains that he is moving to Chicago. All I can think and acknowledge is once they leave the circle is done. Sure, there could still be texts and phone calls. Maybe some random visits if we're lucky but it wont be the same. We cannot find our way back to what it used to be...What were we anyway? Did I make that up in my mind too? I hope not.

After a few drinks in us the outing dwindled down to just the four of us; Alex, Tim, Stephanie, and myself. I don't think we were together all that long before a fight came about. I said the reason Alex was moving was foolish. Steph chimed in and it appeared that because we had said something Tim finally told Alex what he felt. Apparently none of us thought it was a good idea or that Alex was serious in his reasoning. Tim runs away and I recall Alex mentioning something on why friends cant tell each other the truth.

This crushed me...and brought all my thoughts back to Mike.

Out of no where I'm picking up my phone and texting Mike about what Alex just said and how I feel its all bull. Mike responds...

I wont go through the whole conversation but he apologizes to me about what he did. Even admitted to have been thinking about things lately, me included, and how he has no one now. Unfortunately, I was more buzzed than I would have wanted to be when talking to Mike again for the first time...I didn't say what I would have wanted to say. Mainly I just stated how I was so shocked that he text me back and that all I'm thinking about is what the heck happened.

Mike said that he'd been on the road that we were on and it ended badly so he got scared and ran away. That's its taken him a while to come to terms with that. I wish I had asked what that meant exactly...

He asked me why after three months I would message him. I plainly said that I don't think he would understand. Hell, I don't fully understand it. He said "Why wouldn't I? I don't know why you think I wouldn't". My response: "Because...after three months all I wanted was to hear you say the truth. Say 'its over. I never cared like you did' so I could move on. What you said when you left kept me foolishly hoping on the side all this time".

The next text from him was the last text I received: "Thing was I did, and then I felt like I needed to run. I can't explain that. But by all means move on if you haven't because I'm not capable of love or anything like that. And I may never be. For what its worth I did love you but I got scared so I ran away covering it up will bullshit about nothing. And the other girl, she was nothing. Just a bad decision. I make way too many of those".

I never actually told Mike I loved him. We never exchanged those words. The closest it ever got was the few times he traced hearts on my hand or towards me. The only way he would have known is by assuming I loved him or reading the blog entries that I sent to him in the box with our memories a few months ago. However I'm not sure what but he said he did love me. At this point, I want to know what that means, meant, whatever.

I responded in some way saying I didn't think he was incapable but that all I wanted was to hear from him these three months. He never said anything after.

The following day, the gaping hole that was eating at me had closed up. In a strange way I felt completely healed. This may seem silly to everyone but I was unable to go certain places, think of certain memories, watch certain things. I can now. Its so weird...

Since then, I find myself hopeful on hearing from him again. I don't know if I ever will but I know I'd like to. I'm still thankful he told me what he did because I have some closure from it.

Thank you Mike.

PostSecret

Sunday Evenings with Someone You Care About

Yesterday, our town had its Heritage Day Festival. Mainly we have an early 4th of July celebration since no one would stay in a smaller town to see fireworks when they could go to a close larger town. Mike had to work and said he would come over after 6pm when we got off. I was thrilled to see him.

For a shy guy he seems to fit in quite comfortably with everyone who was at my house. When he got here my two brothers, our friend Michael, and my two nephews were throwing little basketballs from across the yard while attempting to make a shot into our little fischer price hoop. I guess for boys this is entertaining. After a little while my step-sisters fiancee joins and the next thing I know is Mike is with them. From the gazebo, I just looked over at the group of guys, Mike included, and I smiled to myself. I loved that he found it easy to just be apart of it all. This is not something I do so well on my own. 

It got a little darker and being that my house is so close to the park we stayed in the front yard for the fireworks. Mike does this adorable thing when fireworks go off. He uses his hands and pretends that 'magically' he is setting them off. I couldn't help but look over at him and smile. 

After a while I reached over and started tracing my fingers over his neck and hair. He just leaned into me and relaxed. I can't help but love those moments. 

The rest of the evening was spent outside with the family setting off our own fireworks, which was entertaining. When that ended we ended up sitting inside. I leaned into Mike, somewhat tired, and I kept falling in and out of sleep. All the while he held me and had a chat with my two brothers. Later he mentioned how cool my brothers are and how he had fun talking to them. I told him that I just wanted to be with him, hence me just falling asleep in his arms, and that I was glad he was content just sitting at my house chatting with them. 

A while later he suggests getting a shake. I get into his car and he mentions how he'd like me to come over for the night if I wanted to. That would require me to go in the house, get my pjs, my toothbrush, and my car. I kissed him and started to get out of his car. He asked if I wanted anything while he was out to which I responded no. He mentioned how easy it was with me. For a moment, I wondered what his others girlfriends had been like exactly. I know I'm not like most girls, but am I really that much better?

I closed the door and looked back at him. He pointed at himself, made a heart shape with his hands, and then pointed at me. I smiled like a fool and walked back to my house. 

Can I keep him, despite the trouble we have with our friends? Will our happiness somehow survive the struggle they're putting on us?

I hope so. 

Summer of 2011

So here I am again. Its been a while hmm? I don't know why I dislike the computer so much but it seems I do. When I dislike the computer, I stay away. 


There is someone new in my life. He isn't really new. For the first time in my life I am with someone who I haven't met on an online dating website. This is a big difference for me!

His name is Mike, and he is magical. 


In short, I met him through a good friend of mine. We all constantly hung out and I guess things developed. Well honestly, a little bit of Jager encouraged me to kiss him at a party one night. After that, we continued to talk daily, then began to hang out, and as of June 7th 2011 we are officially dating. 

Oh His Eyes

I definitely have a crush on Jim. Because I do not have a car at the moment it's really difficult to see him with our bit of distance. Time was going by and I was sure that I wasn't going to see him again. Sadly I tend to think that way anyway. I had invited him to a party my friend and I were throwing. It just happened to be the same day as Warped Tour. When Jim and I had chatted about it he mentioned how maybe he could shower at the house before the party if he came after Warped but it was never set in stone or anything. The week of the party came and I hadn't heard anything from him. I had mentioned a few days before about how I hoped Warped worked out for him because it was a good time but I would be slightly pouty at the party and he said not to say that because I was making him feel bad. So when it was the day before the party and I hadn't heard from him I either thought negatively that we weren't going to be talking again or that he was avoiding trying to disappoint me. I was driving around getting some things together for the party that night and around 7pm he text me asking if there would be a shower and a towel for him to use. I was shocked. After a few texts back and forth I was giddy with excitement and nervousness. My bff, sister, and I ran home and started getting ready for the party. A few people started to show up and I grew increasingly nervous. Jim would be there soon! There was a knock at the door and I went to answer it and it was him. Immediately his eyes pulled me in and had me feeling a little dizzy. Of course he came in met some of my friends and then went on to shower. He came out after a bit and surprised me by wrapping his arm around my waist. The tingles and chills I felt from that...they were amazing. The night went on quite well. Few people playing games and sharing drinks and stories. Slowly Jim and I warmed up to each other. Hand holding, small kisses, arms wrapped around each other. At one point Jim and I were standing in the kitchen while my friends sat in the livings room. We were kinda just looking in. His arm which was wrapped around my waist moved. He placed his fingers in my hair and started to just play. I leaned sideways towards him and just closed my eyes. I remember just smiling and breathing that moment in. It felt so good. I didn't want the night to end. The party was dying down. Two friends were still there along with Jim, my sister, and my self. Jim and I just cuddled a bit while the other three played some card tricks as they tried to sober up. I went into the living room to let out the dog. Jim followed. It was the first moment we had by ourselves since he got there. As I let the dog out I turned to find him very close. He leaned in a and kissed me. I kiss that left me breathless and dizzy. After that I honestly just wanted the others to go home so I could just be with him and not have to play host. I got my wish. I said goodbye to my friends, showed my sister the room she would be staying in, and then showed Jim to our room. We laid down near each other and the rest of the night was just amazing. Those details are for me :) but I can tell you I woke feeling amazing and every time I find myself daydreaming about that night I'm caught smiling to myself. I love laying with Jim. He wraps his arms around me so tight. Tucks me into him so that were connected like a puzzle piece. His hands move over my body and through my hair relaxing me. And random kisses are placed all over my face. I've cuddle with a variety of guys before but none have ever treated me like that. Its so hard not to get weak around him. That day was definitely a nice relaxing day for Jim and I. We showered and got some food and then ended up sitting in the living room with my friends just cuddling. Because the day before had taken so much out of both of us with him at Warped and me working and setting up for the party we ended up falling asleep on the sofa. I love those arms... Unfortunately the time came when he would have to leave. We were standing in the kitchen discussing how it was getting late. I was leaning against the counter across from him while he leaned into the island. I just looked at him, those beautiful eyes. He leaned forward and wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me towards him. We just hugged for a good while. All I kept thinking was how amazing I felt there and I how I didn't want to let go because I would have to say goodbye. But I had to. I walked him to his car. We hugged and kissed goodbye. As I walked back to the house while he drove away tears came to my eyes. I felt like a foolish girl. I still kinda do. I've become so attached to him. To the idea of an us. I try not to but I let my mind wander to the different things we could do and be together. Will I hurt myself in the end because of these thoughts? Lately things have not gone my way. They haven't even turned out fairly decent. I'm pretty terrified that Jim is going to be another tease of what I really want but cannot have. I've come to the decision that I'm just going to go with it. Things will play out as they should. Hopefully things will turn out very well and if not Jim will have been apart of my life and I will definitely have our many good memories together.