Wish You Were Near

I miss you.

Sadly I can't tell you. 

Maybe I can, maybe I have, but I'm afraid and I really wish that wasn't the case.

Yesterday morning I sent Jeff an email. If I know him, he probably isn't checking his personal email lately anyway. I sent it to relieve some of that anxiety of wanting to say anything to him. Needless to say, I rambled on a bit. I was afraid to focus just on missing him or just on wishing things were better for him. So I started to ramble about things that have been going on with me. Of course when I started the email I just wanted to be able to write it. After sending it I found myself hoping to hear from him. I haven't.

I went to bed so early yesterday that this morning I was up at 6:15 and I didn't want to be. When you're awake you think about all the things you don't want to. Asleep is a little different. In that light haze of the morning I wanted Jeff laying next to me. I wanted to lean over and cuddle into him and just feel that relief. Instead I turned to my other side, hiding my face in my pillow, hoping to block out the world.

I got called into work early. On the days that I am, I go in sit in the back and work as the switchboard operator. They had the radio on and a Goo Goo Dolls song came on. Sitting alone in my cubicle I missed Jeff all the more. He loves the Goo Goo Dolls. So the rest of the day I attempted to work and finish up a paper for class. I did, successfully, but still he's on my mind.

I can't help but regret the way I've been with him these past months. I knew at the time how great he was to me. I understood that I should feel very lucky and happy but I let stupid Mike get to me. How can people be so foolish? I continued to hurt over a guy who left me on a lie while the kindest man was trying to win my affection. I am a rude person.

Being me, I think that if I had been different and not let Mike get to me maybe Jeff wouldn't be distant now.

Regret. Its always there.