Memories Hurt...Everyday

Today, I emailed Mike.

I was sitting at work with very little to do and he was just there, on my mind. He has been for the past couple days, more heavily than most. For some reason I just decided to open up my personal email and message him. I've found in the past that even though certain people in my life are choosing not to be a part of my life it helps if I can still say just how they're making me feel. For a moment afterward I can breathe and feel a tiny bit more at ease. Not to say I do it often. There's been one other instance when I flat out text the person something along the lines of "I just have to say it's killing me not talking to you. Texting this out is letting me breathe". And it did. I felt relief. Obviously not the best relief but hell if I need it I'll take it.

So I did. I messaged him. The email said he was still on my mind. That I'm not as okay as I expected to be after 5 months. That I had no clue what is going on, what went on, and why nothing has returned to normal. That he was wrong in assuming that my friendship with Alex, Tim, and Steph would return to the way it was when we all were happy.

Still after this time a part with literally no connection to each other I continue to feel a dull ache because of him.

There is an emptiness inside of me that I cannot fill. I find myself thinking and believing he is the only person that could fix that emptiness. Not in the sense that he'd have to come back. I'm not unbelievably delusional. Just if he came around, treated me like a human being, and with some respect that proved he cared in the slightest, and told me the truth. I think the closure would come. For now, I wait.

I wish I didn't have to.

I wonder if it hurts him to know that I would erase the memory of him from my life completely. I would go back and do everything differently.

Does that mean I don't care for him? No...I do care for him. I was very happy with him and that's partly why the memories hurt so much. But I don't see the reason for this pain. I'm not that strong and I'm not learning anything from it. If anything I'm keeping myself from having anything with anyone, ever. I'm slowly blocking myself off. I feel it. Fuck.

This summer while at a concert in Chicago Mike got sick. I took him outside Millennium Park, further away from the crowd and the heat. We sat on the grass patch closest to the street were few people were under the shade of the tree. He laid there, trying to breath, feeling ill. I watch as he struggled, fearing what was going on. At one point he rolled over and vomited, including blood. I worried more. He felt embarrassed. I wanted to help in some way. He laid back, trying to relax, and I struggled to keep him from passing out. The moment itself passed and he came back, feeling a bit better. At this point the rest of our group came out to join us. They had no idea that the time we were away from them Mike was that ill, or that I was freaking out with worry of what he was going through and not being able to take care of him. For me, they were buzzed and bustling around us will he just looked at me. He grabbed my hand and traced with his finger to my palm "I <3 U" and then closed his hand in mine.

This memory has been replaying in my mind. God, I wish I could tell you what brings it to mind or why I don't notice I'm replaying this memory till way into it. I miss him. I'm weak and I miss him so much.

What do I miss? The memory, him, a delusion? I struggle with the fact of whether what we had was real or not. If I was just happy on my own and missed what he was really feeling.  

I want to move on. I WANT to be happy again. What the hell am I going through?

I could sit here and repeat the same thing over and over again, which is pretty much what I do with this blog now isn't it?

I'm a broken girl just wanting to figure out what it is that I need to do.

Mike, what was the point?

Aubree, what was the point?