Time Continues To Pass

It has been a little over three months since Mike left me. All this time I was left feeling quite low. Its actually embarrassing to admit how I was feeling. Lets just say that every night I drove home from work I cried. Sometimes the tears were just little streams, other times I sobbed even after all the time that had went on. About two weeks ago my friend Kari suggested counseling to me...and it just about made sense.

I knew all along what was bothering me. It was the way he just kind of disappeared...out of my life. That, and the fact that what he left me with was a lie. Every part of me hurt with the thoughts of him because I valued him as a person and believed he valued me the same. I guess I was torn on confusion as well. Wondering if I made everything up in my mind, what he really thought about us or me, how happy he was with this new person. I hated thinking about it, about him, and I believed that in time it would go away. It didn't and I didn't know how to fix myself.

The friendship circle that remained after Mike left just wasn't the same. I can't exactly tell you what happened. Maybe Mike, in his own little way, was the glue. We're falling a part at an increasing rate and last Friday Alex informed me that he was leaving for Washington in February. Shortly after that Tim explains that he is moving to Chicago. All I can think and acknowledge is once they leave the circle is done. Sure, there could still be texts and phone calls. Maybe some random visits if we're lucky but it wont be the same. We cannot find our way back to what it used to be...What were we anyway? Did I make that up in my mind too? I hope not.

After a few drinks in us the outing dwindled down to just the four of us; Alex, Tim, Stephanie, and myself. I don't think we were together all that long before a fight came about. I said the reason Alex was moving was foolish. Steph chimed in and it appeared that because we had said something Tim finally told Alex what he felt. Apparently none of us thought it was a good idea or that Alex was serious in his reasoning. Tim runs away and I recall Alex mentioning something on why friends cant tell each other the truth.

This crushed me...and brought all my thoughts back to Mike.

Out of no where I'm picking up my phone and texting Mike about what Alex just said and how I feel its all bull. Mike responds...

I wont go through the whole conversation but he apologizes to me about what he did. Even admitted to have been thinking about things lately, me included, and how he has no one now. Unfortunately, I was more buzzed than I would have wanted to be when talking to Mike again for the first time...I didn't say what I would have wanted to say. Mainly I just stated how I was so shocked that he text me back and that all I'm thinking about is what the heck happened.

Mike said that he'd been on the road that we were on and it ended badly so he got scared and ran away. That's its taken him a while to come to terms with that. I wish I had asked what that meant exactly...

He asked me why after three months I would message him. I plainly said that I don't think he would understand. Hell, I don't fully understand it. He said "Why wouldn't I? I don't know why you think I wouldn't". My response: "Because...after three months all I wanted was to hear you say the truth. Say 'its over. I never cared like you did' so I could move on. What you said when you left kept me foolishly hoping on the side all this time".

The next text from him was the last text I received: "Thing was I did, and then I felt like I needed to run. I can't explain that. But by all means move on if you haven't because I'm not capable of love or anything like that. And I may never be. For what its worth I did love you but I got scared so I ran away covering it up will bullshit about nothing. And the other girl, she was nothing. Just a bad decision. I make way too many of those".

I never actually told Mike I loved him. We never exchanged those words. The closest it ever got was the few times he traced hearts on my hand or towards me. The only way he would have known is by assuming I loved him or reading the blog entries that I sent to him in the box with our memories a few months ago. However I'm not sure what but he said he did love me. At this point, I want to know what that means, meant, whatever.

I responded in some way saying I didn't think he was incapable but that all I wanted was to hear from him these three months. He never said anything after.

The following day, the gaping hole that was eating at me had closed up. In a strange way I felt completely healed. This may seem silly to everyone but I was unable to go certain places, think of certain memories, watch certain things. I can now. Its so weird...

Since then, I find myself hopeful on hearing from him again. I don't know if I ever will but I know I'd like to. I'm still thankful he told me what he did because I have some closure from it.

Thank you Mike.

PostSecret

One Month Today

Here I am sitting at my desk at work, with nothing to do like it seems to be on certain days I don't want to think or feel. It's sometimes enough to make me wonder where I went so wrong and why I deserve this. Too dramatic? Maybe but whether I'm just dramatic or not I'm definitely feeling this and I hate it :/

I had a dream with Mike last night. Unlike the dreams I've been having this one acknowledged that Mike and I weren't together anymore. Actually, I suppose it's how I'd imagine it, getting to see him again after all of this. I can't recall all of it but we were sitting together and I was asking the 'why' questions that plague my mind. Naturally, I don't remember any response from Mike. Probably a bunch of 'I don't knows' like that one night. :( But maybe I don't recall an answer from him because I don't know what his answers would be. His mother was also there. That was weird and made me sad. Made me miss his family, his grandma...Anyway she sat down to talk to me about when I 'disappeared' as she put it. She then said that Mike told her through an email that we broke up. I don't know what that meant but during the dream I was saddened to think that he couldn't even talk to his family about leaving me.

This dream caused me to wake in a terrible mood. Not only was my mood off but my thoughts were a mess. I let myself recall memories, detailed accounts of these memories. I went through the entire memory from beginning to end and of course they were the happy ones. I didn't even catch myself doing it so I could stop. I just did it..without thinking.

Later I looked at the date, September 7th. Exactly one month ago today I was meeting up with Mike on his driveway to have that talk that ended with me feeling like the most fortunate person in the world. The talk that lasted two and a half hours with so many tears and finally him just grabbing my hands after I asked him to stay and him telling me through tears 'Thats all you had to say'. Even now I'm thinking about the way he pulled me in for a kiss, how I could feel his sigh of relief through the kiss as I'm sure he could feel mine. I can't really describe that feeling and I feel that only those who have been through it would know what I'm talking about. For the longest time he felt so far away, I was grasping at anything wanting him back, and with that kiss and those few words I had it and I was more than thankful.

But none of that mattered.

Today my heart ached for him because I couldn't help but think of what happened a month ago. I miss him still, and I know I shouldn't. I can't tell you the countless people who tell me to stop, how he is such a jerk, that I shouldn't care. I still do and I can tell them all why but it wont make any sense. I'm deep in it and they're watching from the outside. I can't make them understand. I barely understand it myself.

I believe that in the next two weeks I will go through two more days like this. A month from the day he actually left and a month from the day I found out he lied. The last one will be the hardest because I'll be acknowledging a whole lot more than just he lied. I wish I didn't have to feel anymore.

Makie keeps telling me to look forward, that I'm not allowing myself to. Fuck that. All I want is to move on from this. I may not know Mike anymore but the part of him that is a shy timid person is more than real. Because of that part of him, I don't think he'll ever speak to me again and sometimes that's all I want. I'd like to think that some day, who knows when, Mike will think 'I was wrong in how I dealt with Aubree' and call me or message me for coffee. There is a great part of me that thinks if Mike ever sincerely says he is sorry for how he handles things and it seems that he is sorry and not just saying it because he knows he should be then I don't see why I can't be friends with him again.

Damn it, I know that no one will agree with me. Hell maybe he doesn't but Mikes friendship meant something to me. He meant something to me. This isn't a perfect world. People fuck up all the time. We, as humans, treat everything so poorly. For me, it'd be wrong to cut people off after one mistake. And sometimes depending on the persons whole life they may make a few mistakes. If you have a way of thinking and feeling instilled in you, it could be a difficult habit to break. Am I making up excuses for people? I'm sure others feel that way, but this is how I feel.

We are not perfect and I'd liked to think that if I were foolish at some point the person I went against would keep that in mind. I know I'm not perfect and I know at times I will hurt someone without thinking. Forgiveness shouldn't be so easily thrown about but it should be within reach as long as the person is willing to work for it and understands it value.

If Mike ever really thought of me as a friend and someday thinks 'I screwed up' I'd hope he knew me enough to know that he could come back.

I should stop thinking of that because that part of me is holding on to him and keeping me from healing. I can't find happiness in much anymore. The only time I'm mostly okay is at work. I don't know why and sadly I'm not here often but everywhere else I feel panicked. My heart races and I feel unhappy. I want to focus on something but I can't. Its like a scramble but I just have to deal with someone shaking the 'snow globe' of my life around. Eventually it stops, but like I said right now I'm so deep in it.