Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.

The silence isn't so bad, Till I look at my hands and feel sad

I have to admit I have not been on here very often. Mainly because my heart hurt. The last guy that I was gushing over, Jim...he is gone. After getting together at that party we talked a little while longer. However, we never saw each other again.

Figures.

I took a little bit of a break. I was open to the idea of meeting people, but again in no rush. Classes started. I was juggling my job and school mixed with life. Tons of fun to be exact. Then one day I received a message from this guy on the dating site I was on. Apparently the site suggested that we would be good for each other. He took a chance and messaged me. I liked him :) So for a while we messaged back and forth. Eventually we moved to chatting and texting on the phones.

Long story short...

We met October 10th after I got off work. The connection was there. We were both still attracted to each other in person. It was so nice. Needless to say I was very excited.

I'm not going to go into all the details at this moment of what our weekends together were like. Lets just say that first night together there was an amazing connection. A desire to be together. Mid-sentence he kissed me. I was dizzy.

Normally I wouldn't go for jumping into a committed relationship without knowing each other a little longer. However, that night he asked me to be his. It was exactly what I wanted. My heart was happy, and it was obvious because every time he kissed me unintentionally I made sighing noises. I could not help myself.

I'm cursed remember? I was terrified that by the end of the month he would disappear. He knew of my past relationships. He was confident enough to not fear that the end of the month would end our relationship. He even joked with me saying yes he would tell me what the reason was for people leaving if it ever go to that. However, I don't honestly think he imagined us ending.

I was surprised when it happened Saturday.

I still cant tell you exactly what happened. Unfortunately, we were only able to see each other on the weekends with school and work. The previous weekend he went back home to see his family and the whole time we text each other. It was obvious that we missed the other and wished the weekend had worked out differently. The cute texts of missing each other and excitement to see each other the next weekend continued. Then Saturday came and he just didn't show up, didn't text, didn't answer my calls.

It wasn't until late that evening when I was sitting at my best friends house that I finally got a text saying he doesn't know what to say except for that we should break up. There was little more conversation there, but nothing that made me feel I knew what happened. He did say that what he felt at the beginning was not there anymore.

I'm angry at the two weeks apart that left me so suddenly alone and without him.

I slept four hours the entire weekend. As the week came I was terrified to go on with the day. I had to relearn everything without the comfort of Matthew. Yesterday I sat on campus waiting for my classes hidden in corners hiding my tears from the strangers passing by.

I don't care that he left me. I don't care to know the exact reason why. I just want him to come and give me another chance. I keep wishing for him to think about me. If he misses me just a second maybe we could have a second shot. My mind is foolish. I think back to the 'trend' of my past failed one month relationships. Those guys would come back after a week or two feeling they made a mistake. I want Matthew to do that. A bigger part of me thinks he isn't the immature fool all the other guys were.

What will happen?

Yesterday Matthew and I continued to text back and forth about normal things happening throughout the day. My job, his registration, things going on with the best friend, and more. The conversation was like two friends talking I suppose. I think I went to bed hoping it would happen again. Eventually leading to him coming back. I just miss him.

I suppose the good news is my heart isn't aching as bad today. I can actually breathe. Thank you Matthew for talking to me yesterday. It doesn't hurt as much.