Does It End?

Last Saturday, after just one drink, I felt the courage and curiosity to message Mike. My message to him plainly said "Do you not talk to me because you don't want to or is there something else?".  To my surprise yet again he responds and we talk for a little while. I must say, I'm angry at him.

He said he's sorry we're not friends anymore but we don't hang out with the same people. I called him on that one saying that made me feel like the only way we were friends before was because we were connected with other people, that was all I was to him. He also said there was nothing he could do about us not being friends anymore. Also crap. All he has to do is pick up the phone and message me. Anything, and I would have responded. He knows, right? ::sigh::

The conversation continued. Him saying I knew what I wanted and he figured out it wasn't what he wanted. I told him he didn't talk to me at all about what he was feeling, that it wasn't until the end that I realized this and how upset that made me. I told him I was upset that he played with me. Yeah...I was a little angry and at times it does feel like Mike played with me. What hurt the most was this:

"It really doesn't matter. And you know that is straight up bullshit. I told you so much shit. I confined the way I felt about most things in you. You were the only person that was there when I went through all that shit in May and June. I'm sorry we aren't friends. There isn't much I can do about that. I'm glad you and I dated though. It helped me realize what I needed in my life and in retrospect you were exactly what I needed to just finally move on with my life"

All I took from that was that I was only good enough to show him "the error of his ways" and point him in the right direction. Which was away from me. I wasn't good enough to be a part of his life, just good enough to show him what he needed and didn't need. What should I feel from that?! I'm angry. I wanted to be something more. I've never been something good enough for anyone. Why wasn't I good enough for him to want me in his life. Fuck.

I, in anger, responded with something like 'wow I'm glad I gave you what you needed, wish I were walking away with something from what we had'. I feel like I got nothing. Nothing...just emptiness now. That and regret. I hate regret but I feel it so much.

He never responded.

I couldn't understand why two weeks before he told me that he had loved me, that this other girl was nothing, that he cant explain why he ran away, and that he had been thinking about me and what happened. Why all that and then two weeks later say "Oh there's nothing I can do about us not being friends and you showed me what I needed and didn't need in my life". For a moment, it doesn't mesh up. Mike sends me in circles.

I'm so fucking dizzy from him that I'm getting sick...I used to get the good dizzy feeling from him. That is long gone :/ God I'm so bitter.

Why did he matter so much to me if this is all it will amount to? Honestly, can someone explain to me why relationships happen, that you have these amazing unforgettable moments and experiences, only for them to fall completely a part. For it to be like the other person doesn't even remember they happened? I guess maybe I was delusional.

I let him hold my heart. I made a mistake.

With that in mind I would like to introduce someone new to my blog. His name is Jeff.

In my attempt to move on from Mike I reconnected with my old dating website http://www.okcupid.com/ and ended up sharing messages with Jeff. Knowing I needed to move on and let go I decided to meet up with him. He's a really nice guy. I wish I had met him before the damage from Mike. There's so much that I'm holding back with Jeff because I have some strings tied to Mike. I mean to be honest if I wasn't "broken" over Mike I would have been thrilled to meet Jeff. I would have been blabbering on about him in my blog whiles ago. However, Mike impedes on my life.

Let me give Jeff some credit.

He goes to Northern like I do for computer science. He is very smart and ambitious. He has all these ideas about businesses and what his plans for the future are. I've never met someone like that before. Its nice to see. He has his own place, he has a good job, and he's been through his own rough patches and come out in the end. He's real, at least I think he is. I feel like an adult around him, and I trust that he's an adult too.

Last night he took me out to Chicago, to a comedy club. We got there just in time to get drinks and grab a seat. Once in the seat he put his arm around my shoulder and there it stayed for a good. His fingers played around on my shoulder and over to my neck, tangling in my hair. He wanted to touch me, with no expectation in return. Normally, I'm that person...the one who reaches over to rub someones neck or arm just playfully touching them. The receiving end...it was nice.

I can say that I'm amazed by the person Jeff is coming across as. I hope he's real. It'd be nice to meet someone real. What do I have to off though?

One Month Today

Here I am sitting at my desk at work, with nothing to do like it seems to be on certain days I don't want to think or feel. It's sometimes enough to make me wonder where I went so wrong and why I deserve this. Too dramatic? Maybe but whether I'm just dramatic or not I'm definitely feeling this and I hate it :/

I had a dream with Mike last night. Unlike the dreams I've been having this one acknowledged that Mike and I weren't together anymore. Actually, I suppose it's how I'd imagine it, getting to see him again after all of this. I can't recall all of it but we were sitting together and I was asking the 'why' questions that plague my mind. Naturally, I don't remember any response from Mike. Probably a bunch of 'I don't knows' like that one night. :( But maybe I don't recall an answer from him because I don't know what his answers would be. His mother was also there. That was weird and made me sad. Made me miss his family, his grandma...Anyway she sat down to talk to me about when I 'disappeared' as she put it. She then said that Mike told her through an email that we broke up. I don't know what that meant but during the dream I was saddened to think that he couldn't even talk to his family about leaving me.

This dream caused me to wake in a terrible mood. Not only was my mood off but my thoughts were a mess. I let myself recall memories, detailed accounts of these memories. I went through the entire memory from beginning to end and of course they were the happy ones. I didn't even catch myself doing it so I could stop. I just did it..without thinking.

Later I looked at the date, September 7th. Exactly one month ago today I was meeting up with Mike on his driveway to have that talk that ended with me feeling like the most fortunate person in the world. The talk that lasted two and a half hours with so many tears and finally him just grabbing my hands after I asked him to stay and him telling me through tears 'Thats all you had to say'. Even now I'm thinking about the way he pulled me in for a kiss, how I could feel his sigh of relief through the kiss as I'm sure he could feel mine. I can't really describe that feeling and I feel that only those who have been through it would know what I'm talking about. For the longest time he felt so far away, I was grasping at anything wanting him back, and with that kiss and those few words I had it and I was more than thankful.

But none of that mattered.

Today my heart ached for him because I couldn't help but think of what happened a month ago. I miss him still, and I know I shouldn't. I can't tell you the countless people who tell me to stop, how he is such a jerk, that I shouldn't care. I still do and I can tell them all why but it wont make any sense. I'm deep in it and they're watching from the outside. I can't make them understand. I barely understand it myself.

I believe that in the next two weeks I will go through two more days like this. A month from the day he actually left and a month from the day I found out he lied. The last one will be the hardest because I'll be acknowledging a whole lot more than just he lied. I wish I didn't have to feel anymore.

Makie keeps telling me to look forward, that I'm not allowing myself to. Fuck that. All I want is to move on from this. I may not know Mike anymore but the part of him that is a shy timid person is more than real. Because of that part of him, I don't think he'll ever speak to me again and sometimes that's all I want. I'd like to think that some day, who knows when, Mike will think 'I was wrong in how I dealt with Aubree' and call me or message me for coffee. There is a great part of me that thinks if Mike ever sincerely says he is sorry for how he handles things and it seems that he is sorry and not just saying it because he knows he should be then I don't see why I can't be friends with him again.

Damn it, I know that no one will agree with me. Hell maybe he doesn't but Mikes friendship meant something to me. He meant something to me. This isn't a perfect world. People fuck up all the time. We, as humans, treat everything so poorly. For me, it'd be wrong to cut people off after one mistake. And sometimes depending on the persons whole life they may make a few mistakes. If you have a way of thinking and feeling instilled in you, it could be a difficult habit to break. Am I making up excuses for people? I'm sure others feel that way, but this is how I feel.

We are not perfect and I'd liked to think that if I were foolish at some point the person I went against would keep that in mind. I know I'm not perfect and I know at times I will hurt someone without thinking. Forgiveness shouldn't be so easily thrown about but it should be within reach as long as the person is willing to work for it and understands it value.

If Mike ever really thought of me as a friend and someday thinks 'I screwed up' I'd hope he knew me enough to know that he could come back.

I should stop thinking of that because that part of me is holding on to him and keeping me from healing. I can't find happiness in much anymore. The only time I'm mostly okay is at work. I don't know why and sadly I'm not here often but everywhere else I feel panicked. My heart races and I feel unhappy. I want to focus on something but I can't. Its like a scramble but I just have to deal with someone shaking the 'snow globe' of my life around. Eventually it stops, but like I said right now I'm so deep in it.