Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.

I Don't Mind If We Take Our Time

It's been a week and a day since I've heard anything from him and what do you know? I miss him like crazy! lol

I feel a bit better after talking to a girl at work last night. She brought to fact what little she knew of his character and said from that she honestly doesn't think that he will off and disappear, that he really likes me. I've tried to calm myself with this thought. I want it to be true. Why is it I struggle with accepting and believing in the good? I mean, as I started to write this I felt confident and then it slipped. I started to think of other things that point my thoughts in a different direction and I find myself again worrying that it'll be a while before I hear from him and when I do it will be just to say that life is just too stressful right now and that we can't be together. That would crush me. :/

I have to work on a paper and naturally I can't focus. I wish, for my own selfish reasons, that I could be talking to Jeff at this time. Just to break from reality, explain my stress and worry over finals, feel his comfort, hear about whats going on with him, be able to comfort him back, plan exciting events for the summer, hug him, hold his hand, kiss him...

The one thing that I keep trying to remember is that there is plenty of time. So what if we don't get to spend the end of this school year together encouraging each other to finish out strong with the semester. So what if we don't get to go to the zoo or baseball games in Chicago before the summer classes start? So what if we don't necessarily get to kick off the summer together. There is plenty of time ahead for those things and this is just a bit of a test. I don't need to be saddened about us missing out because I'm confident that there is plenty of time for us to be together and have fun. And soon, he'll let me in enough to be there for him during the struggles as well.

Alas, I still miss him.