Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.

Where Have I Been

Hmm...

Its been a while since I have been on here. Something I am learning about myself...I really want to blog. I want to write and have people read whatever I chose to put up here lol but I avoid the computer at all cost. Its somewhat of a life sucking machine. I barely have enough time in the day as it is. Throw a computer into the scene and I am gone. I guess I just don't have the strength needed to say "No. Work only then get off". I think I'm also worried that I don't have much to say so what is the point of posting randomness right? Oh well! Hopefully someone out there finds my ridiculous ramblings worth while.

This blog site did honestly start off as an emoface sort of thing. I was sad and depressed and needed a way to get it out. A private journal is okay but part of me wants someone, somewhere to see what I have to say. Whether it does anything for them or not. Its like talking to an invisible person who says nothing and yet you feel better in the end. So thats what this is. My ramblings to the invisible person out there, whoever you are...thank you.

Do I catch up on what as been happening in my life? Honestly nothing too important. I wish I had things to say that we great and exciting. Summer came and went. It was a decent summer. I did a lot of things I probably wouldn't have had it not been for Keith. There is the main point to my summer. In May around the time school was ending I met Keith on a free dating website called OkCupid.com. We had been chatting for a while and finally found the time to meet up. He had his brutal past while I had mine and somehow we meshed wonderfully. On May 23rd he took me near this pond he goes to now and then to think and asked me to be his girlfriend. That moment was the sweetest and cutest I had experienced in a long time. So the summer was spent with him. My first real summer relationship. Its been almost four months and things are still going great. I couldn't be more thankful for having him in my life.

Now I am back in school. Not so much fun. This is my second year at RVC. I'm taking an intro to philosophy class, a humanities class, an art history class, and a world religions class. They're all really fun and interesting classes! Probably my most exciting semester so far but every day I am teased with the thought of traveling. All my life I have wanted to go to London with my best friend, Heather. That plan has been on hold forever it seems and I sometimes wonder if it will ever happen due to the fact that I never have enough money and she is not living with her boyfriend and his child. Actually once I said something along the lines of trying to save up some money so we can go and she said " I don't think Andy would like that very much". That only causes me to think she'll never travel alone with me. Sadface indeed.

My humanities teacher has been everywhere! and has a story for almost everything we talk about. It teases me. I have a friend, Dale, who lives in England. I actually met him a few years ago on facebook. I think it was through and are you interested thing. Actually I didn't know how to use it and had all these backed up people. While going through Dale was the one I found most interesting. Turned out he lived in England which made it more exciting to talk to him. Over the past couple years we have gotten close. Phone calls, emails, IMs, texts, and letters. Someday I want to meet him. Anyone who has made an impact on my life that I have met online is someone I want to meet face to face. Otherwise they seem like a dream to me. I'll never know if they're really real. So plainly put my classes make me desperately want to travel to England, more so than ever.

The problem about that is...I just lost my job. Tuesday I went into work only to find out that we wont be working. The office was a tiny four person deal. It just wasn't working. Not enough profit. So...they shut down. Didn't even have the money to pay us from the week before. That really hurt because right now I have about $0.67 left in my account until they can pay me. I have also contacted the unemployment office. I filled out the confusing application online and am not waiting to hear if I will be approved. In the mean time bills are still coming in. No one really cares if you office just shut down. They just want their money. I am definitely stressed about that. The only good thing is I hope I'll now find a full time job that isn't weird hours to where I can start paying off my debt and saving at the same time. Oh I couldn't be happier.

Speaking of that...Borders was hiring the day I went in. I immediately filled out an application and have since then called three times trying to speak to the hiring manager. Either I have terrible timing or the hiring manager really doesn't want to be bothered. They have taking my information down twice so hopefully my name becomes familiar with the manager. Hopefully then they will see I am dedicated and really want this job. Wish me luck? I really need something. Its been a week without working and two weeks without pay :(

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared.

Well I suppose I can leave it at this for now. I kind of just wanted to sum up what was going on in my life lately so I can get back in the groove of hopefully writing in here more often.

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one