Boy do I feel like a fool.
Mike broke up with me last Tuesday evening. He said he went away to his friends wedding, discussed everything with them, and decided that he needs to better himself before he can better anyone else life, bring anything to a relationship. Obviously there is more to it but what it came down to was that he felt he couldn't do a relationship while trying to 'fix' himself and didn't feel it was right to put me through that.
I would have stayed, through it all. I felt that it was important for him to have someone who really cared about him there, to lean on when he needed help. The way he made it seem was that he was in a hole and sometimes I feel you just can't do it alone. Mike, at the time, was one of the greatest people I knew and I would have freely given him anything if he needed it. Call me a fool, I probably still would...
I spent a week without any words from him after he said he wasn't going to push me away, that we were going to stay friends, that I was one of his true friends. My thoughts instantly circled around regret. I thought that if he pulled away and we were never to be friends anymore that I wish I could go back and do it differently. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed very much what we had. I was happy...but if that meant losing him as a friend I'd rather do it differently. His friendship really mattered that much to me and I was so afraid to lose it.
Yesterday I came home from my first day at NIU. It was awful. I couldn't focus in class. All my thoughts were around him, foolishly. I started feeling that this was going to be a bad semester and that I maybe I should take it off. I need the good grades and I know right now that I can't give into school what I needed. Mom took Steph aside and said that she'd been on facebook and saw my profile and felt sad. She then saw Mike and clicked on his profile. In his friends list on the side there was a girl she just happened to click on. When she did, it said that this girl and Mike were in a relationship. Steph then came into my room and asked if Alex had told me anything about Mike lately. She then got teary eyed and said she didn't want to tell met his but Mike was in a relationship.
I felt my whole body go numb. My heart ached in such a pain that I'd never felt before and all I could do was stare.
Mike lied to me.
Its just as plain as that. He lied to me and said he couldn't do a relationship, that we were friends, that I mattered. But...there's no way any of that was true. It hurt to know he was in a relationship but what hurt the most was knowing he lied straight to my face as I sat on his driveway crying to him. I can't help but think that I meant nothing. My mind can't really grasp this because I honestly thought that Mike and I were friends. How stupid must I be? He couldn't have cared about me, even in a friend sense, and do this.
I don't know who he is. I honestly thought I did. I would have given him anything in the world based on the fact that he was such a wonderful person. Knowing how great he was just makes it so you want to give just as much in return for their greatness. I trusted him. I never had any doubt with him and it all goes back to how he was just a good guy. I never needed worry.
None of that was true though.
He lied to me. I lied to myself. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't see how I didn't see it. I'm so stupid for just feeling comfortable with him and letting go. I trusted way too much and threw myself right into the opportunity to get hurt. I can't think about him, about this summer, about all the times we all hung out before the same. I'm so hurt by his actions.
If he didn't want to be with me, it would have hurt like hell but at least he would have been honest. He left me, for another girl, and he's dismissed me entirely from his life.
The stupid part is that really hurts. I should be mad and I guess glad to be rid of him, but I'm not...and that makes me stupid.
Whats wrong with me? How did I not see that his feelings weren't genuine? Why do I keep meeting men who only hurt me? I just don't get it. I see happy people and they get it. Whats so wrong with me that I get put in the situation over and over.
He makes me not want to feel anything for anyone anymore. I don't trust it and I can't take this again. I wish I could forget him.
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