Here We Go

The last time that I saw Jeff was April 3rd. I finally saw him again at 2AM on May 13th. :( Such a long time to wait for someone you care about.

On Thursday I finished up with my finals and expected Jeff to have as well. Our off days are Thursdays and normally we would see each other then. I texted him saying "I wish we could sort of celebrate classes being over with. I guess I just really miss you. I hope you feel less overwhelmed now that you don't have to worry about classes". He never responded.

It broke my heart. I couldn't imagine that he was so busy that he couldn't respond. With my past, all I could assume was that he was playing me. Jeff was leaving me and this is just his sick way of ending it, avoiding me.

That evening I spent some time with friends and they felt that if he wanted to be with me he would, that I should break it off because I deserve better. I woke up Friday feeling extremely upset. Finally I just decided that was it. I need my things back if its over. Then I'll be rid of him and maybe it will be easier to move on. I text him "Baby I miss you but I'm very confused. I know you asked for time. its gone beyond feeling like you just need space to work things out. I continue to feel like you're wanting to leave. I don't feel like you want me in you life because just as things got stressful you left. A while ago you said you didn't want to lose me but I feel as if Ive lost you'd. I don't want to lose you. It hurts so much saying this because its not what I want. I think its only fair if we get together to discuss this and fix it or I need to get my things back from you. I want to be a part of your life. I care about you Jeff. I just need to know where you want me and if its not with you then I need to go".

Nothing...all day.

I went into work that evening and cried twice. I thought it was over. I mean, it had to be. He wasn't saying anything to assure me that wasn't the case, nothing to ease my mind. I know he was going through some things but if someone I cared about was thinking that way I would instantly try to assure them.

Saturday morning was hell. I was rude to everyone I crossed paths with and I didn't care at all. Then around noon I got a text from him. He said he was sorry for putting me through this. I didn't know how to take that and for twenty minutes didn't know what to say. Was he saying he's sorry that he is going to hurt me like he knows I've been hurt in the past? Please don't let it be that...

He then said "I'm sorry you feel like you're losing me. That's not the case hun. You don't deserve the way Ive been dealing with this but I'm doing the best I can. I could like to see you tonight but I close so its up to you. I really suck at dealing with this kind of stuff. I just keep it to myself and deal with it internally".

That's when I began to realize that his independent personality was through and through. He felt that when things go bad its his to deal with and shuts down.

How can you be there for someone you care about when they do that? How can I, a very caring person who would like to help when she can, do what I normally would if the person pulls away?

I'm afraid.

I went to my friends fight which was 20 minutes from his place. I waited in a Jewel parking lot for 4 hours for him to get off work. Then I showed up at his place and we went to talk.

What I got was he was sort of putting on a front. Somewhat casual, somewhat sarcastic in a sense. I think he was trying to cover up being upset about what was happening. I sat with my back against a wall facing in front of me and after a bit he sat next to me and did the same. He was talking about how he hated emotions and this is how he's always been when I looked over at him. He was crying and instantly when he saw me looking at him he covered his face and just breathed heavily for a while until he stopped crying.

I don't think he wanted me to see. It hurt me so much that he felt he had to hide.

What it comes down to is that when things get bad he feels theres nothing that anyone else can really do about it so all he does is hold it inside until it slips away. That was his exact words. Every time he said something that lead to him having to be alone through bad things my heart broke. I care for him and to know that he feels he has to feel this pain alone kills me.

I wish I had said that to him. I didn't.

When I asked what now he said "cant things just go back to the way they were before". I wish it were that easy. If it was things would be as they were. We would have texted more frequently yesterday and today. Yesterday I only heard from him a few times. Today, not at all.

He left for a business trip and wont be back until Thursday night. I'm hoping to see him this coming weekend and maybe smooth things over a little bit more. We only saw each other for an hour because I had work early Sunday morning. There wasn't enough time.

Maybe after then things will get better.

I'm just afraid I can't be what he needs or that I'll want too much too soon with this happening. If all his life he was made to feel this way...that's 26 years of undoing. I'm willing if you are.

Unfortunately there will be no baseball birthday fun on Thursday for Jeff. As luck has it, he wont get back until after 11pm. Maybe I should refrain from buying expensive birthday gifts for a bit :/