Here We Go

The last time that I saw Jeff was April 3rd. I finally saw him again at 2AM on May 13th. :( Such a long time to wait for someone you care about.

On Thursday I finished up with my finals and expected Jeff to have as well. Our off days are Thursdays and normally we would see each other then. I texted him saying "I wish we could sort of celebrate classes being over with. I guess I just really miss you. I hope you feel less overwhelmed now that you don't have to worry about classes". He never responded.

It broke my heart. I couldn't imagine that he was so busy that he couldn't respond. With my past, all I could assume was that he was playing me. Jeff was leaving me and this is just his sick way of ending it, avoiding me.

That evening I spent some time with friends and they felt that if he wanted to be with me he would, that I should break it off because I deserve better. I woke up Friday feeling extremely upset. Finally I just decided that was it. I need my things back if its over. Then I'll be rid of him and maybe it will be easier to move on. I text him "Baby I miss you but I'm very confused. I know you asked for time. its gone beyond feeling like you just need space to work things out. I continue to feel like you're wanting to leave. I don't feel like you want me in you life because just as things got stressful you left. A while ago you said you didn't want to lose me but I feel as if Ive lost you'd. I don't want to lose you. It hurts so much saying this because its not what I want. I think its only fair if we get together to discuss this and fix it or I need to get my things back from you. I want to be a part of your life. I care about you Jeff. I just need to know where you want me and if its not with you then I need to go".

Nothing...all day.

I went into work that evening and cried twice. I thought it was over. I mean, it had to be. He wasn't saying anything to assure me that wasn't the case, nothing to ease my mind. I know he was going through some things but if someone I cared about was thinking that way I would instantly try to assure them.

Saturday morning was hell. I was rude to everyone I crossed paths with and I didn't care at all. Then around noon I got a text from him. He said he was sorry for putting me through this. I didn't know how to take that and for twenty minutes didn't know what to say. Was he saying he's sorry that he is going to hurt me like he knows I've been hurt in the past? Please don't let it be that...

He then said "I'm sorry you feel like you're losing me. That's not the case hun. You don't deserve the way Ive been dealing with this but I'm doing the best I can. I could like to see you tonight but I close so its up to you. I really suck at dealing with this kind of stuff. I just keep it to myself and deal with it internally".

That's when I began to realize that his independent personality was through and through. He felt that when things go bad its his to deal with and shuts down.

How can you be there for someone you care about when they do that? How can I, a very caring person who would like to help when she can, do what I normally would if the person pulls away?

I'm afraid.

I went to my friends fight which was 20 minutes from his place. I waited in a Jewel parking lot for 4 hours for him to get off work. Then I showed up at his place and we went to talk.

What I got was he was sort of putting on a front. Somewhat casual, somewhat sarcastic in a sense. I think he was trying to cover up being upset about what was happening. I sat with my back against a wall facing in front of me and after a bit he sat next to me and did the same. He was talking about how he hated emotions and this is how he's always been when I looked over at him. He was crying and instantly when he saw me looking at him he covered his face and just breathed heavily for a while until he stopped crying.

I don't think he wanted me to see. It hurt me so much that he felt he had to hide.

What it comes down to is that when things get bad he feels theres nothing that anyone else can really do about it so all he does is hold it inside until it slips away. That was his exact words. Every time he said something that lead to him having to be alone through bad things my heart broke. I care for him and to know that he feels he has to feel this pain alone kills me.

I wish I had said that to him. I didn't.

When I asked what now he said "cant things just go back to the way they were before". I wish it were that easy. If it was things would be as they were. We would have texted more frequently yesterday and today. Yesterday I only heard from him a few times. Today, not at all.

He left for a business trip and wont be back until Thursday night. I'm hoping to see him this coming weekend and maybe smooth things over a little bit more. We only saw each other for an hour because I had work early Sunday morning. There wasn't enough time.

Maybe after then things will get better.

I'm just afraid I can't be what he needs or that I'll want too much too soon with this happening. If all his life he was made to feel this way...that's 26 years of undoing. I'm willing if you are.

Unfortunately there will be no baseball birthday fun on Thursday for Jeff. As luck has it, he wont get back until after 11pm. Maybe I should refrain from buying expensive birthday gifts for a bit :/

Want!

Aside from missing Jeff...

...I also want him.

Grr!

It's been over a month since I've seen him and all this missing plays into the wanting as well. Part of me worries I'll just jump him the moment I see him. Which could go either way lol I mean guys don't mind that right?



Patience, Help Me Out.

Last little bit left at work tonight and I miss you so much.

I wonder if anyone thinks I'm crazy for the amount that I come here to say that I miss you. I know that if I don't get it out here I'll go nuts. I wish I just had you with me. Why are we like this again? I hope you'll explain it to me in time.

People keep telling me that I have to have patience. Unfortunately I don't really understand why I need to be patient. Why can't we be together through this? What is going on?

Maybe because I'm stressed I want to be near you a bit more. Last night while at the movie all of the couples upset me. How rare it is that I go to the out and am not bothered by happy couples and how often it is that I find myself without that happiness. We will be happy together again wont we? I hope so.

I don't care about my finals or about school at this point. I just want it all over with so I can see you. However, I don't even know if that is the end point for you. Maybe you intend to stay away longer.

Why are you gone?

Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.

Wish You Were Near

I miss you.

Sadly I can't tell you. 

Maybe I can, maybe I have, but I'm afraid and I really wish that wasn't the case.

Yesterday morning I sent Jeff an email. If I know him, he probably isn't checking his personal email lately anyway. I sent it to relieve some of that anxiety of wanting to say anything to him. Needless to say, I rambled on a bit. I was afraid to focus just on missing him or just on wishing things were better for him. So I started to ramble about things that have been going on with me. Of course when I started the email I just wanted to be able to write it. After sending it I found myself hoping to hear from him. I haven't.

I went to bed so early yesterday that this morning I was up at 6:15 and I didn't want to be. When you're awake you think about all the things you don't want to. Asleep is a little different. In that light haze of the morning I wanted Jeff laying next to me. I wanted to lean over and cuddle into him and just feel that relief. Instead I turned to my other side, hiding my face in my pillow, hoping to block out the world.

I got called into work early. On the days that I am, I go in sit in the back and work as the switchboard operator. They had the radio on and a Goo Goo Dolls song came on. Sitting alone in my cubicle I missed Jeff all the more. He loves the Goo Goo Dolls. So the rest of the day I attempted to work and finish up a paper for class. I did, successfully, but still he's on my mind.

I can't help but regret the way I've been with him these past months. I knew at the time how great he was to me. I understood that I should feel very lucky and happy but I let stupid Mike get to me. How can people be so foolish? I continued to hurt over a guy who left me on a lie while the kindest man was trying to win my affection. I am a rude person.

Being me, I think that if I had been different and not let Mike get to me maybe Jeff wouldn't be distant now.

Regret. Its always there.

I Don't Mind If We Take Our Time

It's been a week and a day since I've heard anything from him and what do you know? I miss him like crazy! lol

I feel a bit better after talking to a girl at work last night. She brought to fact what little she knew of his character and said from that she honestly doesn't think that he will off and disappear, that he really likes me. I've tried to calm myself with this thought. I want it to be true. Why is it I struggle with accepting and believing in the good? I mean, as I started to write this I felt confident and then it slipped. I started to think of other things that point my thoughts in a different direction and I find myself again worrying that it'll be a while before I hear from him and when I do it will be just to say that life is just too stressful right now and that we can't be together. That would crush me. :/

I have to work on a paper and naturally I can't focus. I wish, for my own selfish reasons, that I could be talking to Jeff at this time. Just to break from reality, explain my stress and worry over finals, feel his comfort, hear about whats going on with him, be able to comfort him back, plan exciting events for the summer, hug him, hold his hand, kiss him...

The one thing that I keep trying to remember is that there is plenty of time. So what if we don't get to spend the end of this school year together encouraging each other to finish out strong with the semester. So what if we don't get to go to the zoo or baseball games in Chicago before the summer classes start? So what if we don't necessarily get to kick off the summer together. There is plenty of time ahead for those things and this is just a bit of a test. I don't need to be saddened about us missing out because I'm confident that there is plenty of time for us to be together and have fun. And soon, he'll let me in enough to be there for him during the struggles as well.

Alas, I still miss him.

I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine

I haven't blogged in quite a while. With school and work...I'm just so busy. I'm glad I haven't had time though because I went through some difficult times missing Mike. Stupid...I saw him the other day. A complete fluke. There he was stopped at a red light just outside the parking lot that I was in. I felt myself go numb all over. He didn't see me and if he did, I know he wouldn't care.

I think I'm finally and officially over waiting for him. Sure, I'm still hurt by him. The things he did left deep scars but I don't want him back. For that, I'm thankful.

However, this is my life and as pattern would have it I just don't think things will ever go smoothly.

As I've mentioned before, I've been seeing Jeff. What can I say about him? I haven't given him much to work with and yet he stayed around. I can't tell you how happy I am for that. My walls were up pretty high and somehow, slowly, they've come down. Unfortunately, just as I realize this he is putting up some walls himself.

I don't have much time to go into great lengths about this but I felt myself bursting at the seems and knew that if I could just write it down I'd feel a bit better.

He kind of just stopped talking. Claimed to be overwhelmed...busy with school and work. I believe this because Jeff is a hard worker, very independent, and takes pride in doing everything in the best possible way. I thought things were getting a little bit better. He apologized for the way he'd been acting and assured me that his feelings for me hadn't changed. I have to admit, I was pretty frightened because everything was following an all too familiar pattern that Mike laid out. So I thought things were okay.

Another few days go by and still we're not talking at all and haven't seen each other. I don't even see him in passing at school. It doesn't take long till I feel myself getting overwhelmed in class hoping that when I leave I'll pass him by. I was sitting in the hall between class crying. I even found myself being brought to tears in class. Up to this point my friends had been trying to give me hope but once this started to happen they pretty much said just forget him. I was devastated. His phone was dead for a couple tries that I made and then finally this past Friday morning it rang through. However, he didn't answer.

I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I text him saying that he was intelligent and has to understand the way that all of this looks. I went on to say it just felt like he wasn't saying "its over". I mentioned how I took all that he said into consideration but I honestly had no clue what was really going on. I said I would be understanding and give him space if he just let me know. I also said that if it was over, just say it. He has some of my things and I needed them back as well. After sending that I thought for a moment and added that I had kept him at a distance and wanted to take things slow. With his persistence in being with me I found myself caring for him and letting the walls down. I said I didn't want to lose him.

About an hour later I get a text back from him. He apologizes for how he's been acting to me and confesses the issue that's been happening. I'm not going to mention what he said but it was very serious. At the end he said he didn't know what to do and needed time by himself.

Couple things. From what I know of Jeff, this doesn't entirely surprise me. He is very independent and always has been. Plus with the issue that he mentioned I can understand needing some time. Believe me, as a girl I want to be there for him, in any way that I can. If its not the right thing to do then I will give him space. I felt so bad, I text him back to apologize for overreacting and told him if he needed me I'd be around. This was Friday the 20th and I still haven't heard from him.

Yeah, this makes me sad. I miss him and selfishly I wish I had him around. I'm trying to keep a positive thought that in just a bit of time he will come back and things will  be okay for us again. I miss him. Damn, I miss him.

To be honest I don't know how long to expect him to be gone. I did buy him some birthday gifts before all this happened. He hasn't had a chance to see them and unfortunately one of them will "expire" in a sense. They're tickets for a game. I don't want to use the tickets without him so I thought that if I don't hear from him by the end of finals week I'd send him a message explaining this situation then go from there. Hopefully, he'll have messaged me by then. I don't know.

I just wish I could hug him and bring him a little comfort. I feel somewhat regretful. This entire time he has been extremely great to me and in a way I took it for granted because I was being a dumb girl, sad over my past. Now he's at a distance and I fear that I could lose him.

Never take what you have for granted.

Memories Hurt...Everyday

Today, I emailed Mike.

I was sitting at work with very little to do and he was just there, on my mind. He has been for the past couple days, more heavily than most. For some reason I just decided to open up my personal email and message him. I've found in the past that even though certain people in my life are choosing not to be a part of my life it helps if I can still say just how they're making me feel. For a moment afterward I can breathe and feel a tiny bit more at ease. Not to say I do it often. There's been one other instance when I flat out text the person something along the lines of "I just have to say it's killing me not talking to you. Texting this out is letting me breathe". And it did. I felt relief. Obviously not the best relief but hell if I need it I'll take it.

So I did. I messaged him. The email said he was still on my mind. That I'm not as okay as I expected to be after 5 months. That I had no clue what is going on, what went on, and why nothing has returned to normal. That he was wrong in assuming that my friendship with Alex, Tim, and Steph would return to the way it was when we all were happy.

Still after this time a part with literally no connection to each other I continue to feel a dull ache because of him.

There is an emptiness inside of me that I cannot fill. I find myself thinking and believing he is the only person that could fix that emptiness. Not in the sense that he'd have to come back. I'm not unbelievably delusional. Just if he came around, treated me like a human being, and with some respect that proved he cared in the slightest, and told me the truth. I think the closure would come. For now, I wait.

I wish I didn't have to.

I wonder if it hurts him to know that I would erase the memory of him from my life completely. I would go back and do everything differently.

Does that mean I don't care for him? No...I do care for him. I was very happy with him and that's partly why the memories hurt so much. But I don't see the reason for this pain. I'm not that strong and I'm not learning anything from it. If anything I'm keeping myself from having anything with anyone, ever. I'm slowly blocking myself off. I feel it. Fuck.

This summer while at a concert in Chicago Mike got sick. I took him outside Millennium Park, further away from the crowd and the heat. We sat on the grass patch closest to the street were few people were under the shade of the tree. He laid there, trying to breath, feeling ill. I watch as he struggled, fearing what was going on. At one point he rolled over and vomited, including blood. I worried more. He felt embarrassed. I wanted to help in some way. He laid back, trying to relax, and I struggled to keep him from passing out. The moment itself passed and he came back, feeling a bit better. At this point the rest of our group came out to join us. They had no idea that the time we were away from them Mike was that ill, or that I was freaking out with worry of what he was going through and not being able to take care of him. For me, they were buzzed and bustling around us will he just looked at me. He grabbed my hand and traced with his finger to my palm "I <3 U" and then closed his hand in mine.

This memory has been replaying in my mind. God, I wish I could tell you what brings it to mind or why I don't notice I'm replaying this memory till way into it. I miss him. I'm weak and I miss him so much.

What do I miss? The memory, him, a delusion? I struggle with the fact of whether what we had was real or not. If I was just happy on my own and missed what he was really feeling.  

I want to move on. I WANT to be happy again. What the hell am I going through?

I could sit here and repeat the same thing over and over again, which is pretty much what I do with this blog now isn't it?

I'm a broken girl just wanting to figure out what it is that I need to do.

Mike, what was the point?

Aubree, what was the point?