Say you will be all around me When your body sets your heart free Say you will be all around me

I feel absolutely nauseous.

Last night I broke down and after two days of not saying anything to Matthew I sent him an email.

Mainly I said that I wanted a chance. I didn't actually ask and I wasn't going to beg but its obvious that was probably the intent of my email.

There was a mix of apologizing for my mistake, reassurance that my drunkenness was not me, and that he should remember the things he liked of me. I told him that I needed to take this chance, of sending him and 'I'm sorry. Please think it over' email. What kind of person would I be if I didn't take the chances that I felt needed to be taken? This was important to me. He is worth it.

I did state that I would not be the nagging ex that just will not go away. I assume not hearing from him means...its over. He is done with me forever.

I was on the dating website that we met each other through. As an update it showed me that he had changed and added some new pictures. Pictures without his beard...He made a comment about how with the beard he was only attracting women with children and was happy I responded. By taking those down and putting no facial hair ones up I'm so scared someone is going to message him or respond to something he says.

God why am I so fucking dumb. I had something really good. Something I was really happy about. He left me...Why did he have to leave me?

Anyway...the updates of him made my heart hurt so much that tears instantly ran. So here I am trying to type it all out so I'm not seen crying in front of my friends and family. ::sigh::

Its Thanksgiving break at school. When we first started dating Matthew said he wanted me with him for as much of the break that we could have together. Can you guess what is going through my mind lately? Since I wouldn't have any plans this week or weekend I volunteered to work this Friday and Saturday. In attempt to keep my mind off of Matthew I have caused other coworkers of mine to be very upset.

I also just got a car yesterday. Too little too late. When driving away I told Heather, my bff, that had I bought this car just a few weeks ago maybe things would have been different. I would have loved seeing Matthew more often. I'm probably dumb for wondering if telling him that I have a car would effect his mind at all. No...what am I thinking. Matthew is a smart, mature man that would not be so stupid. I'm the stupid one, again.

I was looking forward to him loving me at some point as well as me loving him. I felt so happy. So ready. For once I wasn't scared. I jumped without looking and trusted him.

Matthew I wish you would come back.

He Doesn't Know Me. He Doesn't Trust Me.

I talked to Matthew. I found out what happened. Well sort of...

Mainly the last time we were together, my drunkenness, it caused him to think that was who I was. Matthew told me that he believes the real person comes out when you are drunk. I was bratty, ridiculous, stupid, annoying, and so very very drunk...Not who I am at all.

Matthew said here he was still trying to impress me and I was getting trashed and being bratty. I couldn't help him see that wasn't really me. The time we had been together, who he fell for, who he had been getting to know was me. He doesn't trust that.

I never get that drunk. They next day I woke up completely ashamed. I apologized to him, but I guess that didn't make a difference. He left me anyway.

I asked him to not believe that I am that person. He just stopped responding. I haven't heard from him since.

The silence isn't so bad, Till I look at my hands and feel sad

I have to admit I have not been on here very often. Mainly because my heart hurt. The last guy that I was gushing over, Jim...he is gone. After getting together at that party we talked a little while longer. However, we never saw each other again.

Figures.

I took a little bit of a break. I was open to the idea of meeting people, but again in no rush. Classes started. I was juggling my job and school mixed with life. Tons of fun to be exact. Then one day I received a message from this guy on the dating site I was on. Apparently the site suggested that we would be good for each other. He took a chance and messaged me. I liked him :) So for a while we messaged back and forth. Eventually we moved to chatting and texting on the phones.

Long story short...

We met October 10th after I got off work. The connection was there. We were both still attracted to each other in person. It was so nice. Needless to say I was very excited.

I'm not going to go into all the details at this moment of what our weekends together were like. Lets just say that first night together there was an amazing connection. A desire to be together. Mid-sentence he kissed me. I was dizzy.

Normally I wouldn't go for jumping into a committed relationship without knowing each other a little longer. However, that night he asked me to be his. It was exactly what I wanted. My heart was happy, and it was obvious because every time he kissed me unintentionally I made sighing noises. I could not help myself.

I'm cursed remember? I was terrified that by the end of the month he would disappear. He knew of my past relationships. He was confident enough to not fear that the end of the month would end our relationship. He even joked with me saying yes he would tell me what the reason was for people leaving if it ever go to that. However, I don't honestly think he imagined us ending.

I was surprised when it happened Saturday.

I still cant tell you exactly what happened. Unfortunately, we were only able to see each other on the weekends with school and work. The previous weekend he went back home to see his family and the whole time we text each other. It was obvious that we missed the other and wished the weekend had worked out differently. The cute texts of missing each other and excitement to see each other the next weekend continued. Then Saturday came and he just didn't show up, didn't text, didn't answer my calls.

It wasn't until late that evening when I was sitting at my best friends house that I finally got a text saying he doesn't know what to say except for that we should break up. There was little more conversation there, but nothing that made me feel I knew what happened. He did say that what he felt at the beginning was not there anymore.

I'm angry at the two weeks apart that left me so suddenly alone and without him.

I slept four hours the entire weekend. As the week came I was terrified to go on with the day. I had to relearn everything without the comfort of Matthew. Yesterday I sat on campus waiting for my classes hidden in corners hiding my tears from the strangers passing by.

I don't care that he left me. I don't care to know the exact reason why. I just want him to come and give me another chance. I keep wishing for him to think about me. If he misses me just a second maybe we could have a second shot. My mind is foolish. I think back to the 'trend' of my past failed one month relationships. Those guys would come back after a week or two feeling they made a mistake. I want Matthew to do that. A bigger part of me thinks he isn't the immature fool all the other guys were.

What will happen?

Yesterday Matthew and I continued to text back and forth about normal things happening throughout the day. My job, his registration, things going on with the best friend, and more. The conversation was like two friends talking I suppose. I think I went to bed hoping it would happen again. Eventually leading to him coming back. I just miss him.

I suppose the good news is my heart isn't aching as bad today. I can actually breathe. Thank you Matthew for talking to me yesterday. It doesn't hurt as much.

Oh His Eyes

I definitely have a crush on Jim. Because I do not have a car at the moment it's really difficult to see him with our bit of distance. Time was going by and I was sure that I wasn't going to see him again. Sadly I tend to think that way anyway. I had invited him to a party my friend and I were throwing. It just happened to be the same day as Warped Tour. When Jim and I had chatted about it he mentioned how maybe he could shower at the house before the party if he came after Warped but it was never set in stone or anything. The week of the party came and I hadn't heard anything from him. I had mentioned a few days before about how I hoped Warped worked out for him because it was a good time but I would be slightly pouty at the party and he said not to say that because I was making him feel bad. So when it was the day before the party and I hadn't heard from him I either thought negatively that we weren't going to be talking again or that he was avoiding trying to disappoint me. I was driving around getting some things together for the party that night and around 7pm he text me asking if there would be a shower and a towel for him to use. I was shocked. After a few texts back and forth I was giddy with excitement and nervousness. My bff, sister, and I ran home and started getting ready for the party. A few people started to show up and I grew increasingly nervous. Jim would be there soon! There was a knock at the door and I went to answer it and it was him. Immediately his eyes pulled me in and had me feeling a little dizzy. Of course he came in met some of my friends and then went on to shower. He came out after a bit and surprised me by wrapping his arm around my waist. The tingles and chills I felt from that...they were amazing. The night went on quite well. Few people playing games and sharing drinks and stories. Slowly Jim and I warmed up to each other. Hand holding, small kisses, arms wrapped around each other. At one point Jim and I were standing in the kitchen while my friends sat in the livings room. We were kinda just looking in. His arm which was wrapped around my waist moved. He placed his fingers in my hair and started to just play. I leaned sideways towards him and just closed my eyes. I remember just smiling and breathing that moment in. It felt so good. I didn't want the night to end. The party was dying down. Two friends were still there along with Jim, my sister, and my self. Jim and I just cuddled a bit while the other three played some card tricks as they tried to sober up. I went into the living room to let out the dog. Jim followed. It was the first moment we had by ourselves since he got there. As I let the dog out I turned to find him very close. He leaned in a and kissed me. I kiss that left me breathless and dizzy. After that I honestly just wanted the others to go home so I could just be with him and not have to play host. I got my wish. I said goodbye to my friends, showed my sister the room she would be staying in, and then showed Jim to our room. We laid down near each other and the rest of the night was just amazing. Those details are for me :) but I can tell you I woke feeling amazing and every time I find myself daydreaming about that night I'm caught smiling to myself. I love laying with Jim. He wraps his arms around me so tight. Tucks me into him so that were connected like a puzzle piece. His hands move over my body and through my hair relaxing me. And random kisses are placed all over my face. I've cuddle with a variety of guys before but none have ever treated me like that. Its so hard not to get weak around him. That day was definitely a nice relaxing day for Jim and I. We showered and got some food and then ended up sitting in the living room with my friends just cuddling. Because the day before had taken so much out of both of us with him at Warped and me working and setting up for the party we ended up falling asleep on the sofa. I love those arms... Unfortunately the time came when he would have to leave. We were standing in the kitchen discussing how it was getting late. I was leaning against the counter across from him while he leaned into the island. I just looked at him, those beautiful eyes. He leaned forward and wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me towards him. We just hugged for a good while. All I kept thinking was how amazing I felt there and I how I didn't want to let go because I would have to say goodbye. But I had to. I walked him to his car. We hugged and kissed goodbye. As I walked back to the house while he drove away tears came to my eyes. I felt like a foolish girl. I still kinda do. I've become so attached to him. To the idea of an us. I try not to but I let my mind wander to the different things we could do and be together. Will I hurt myself in the end because of these thoughts? Lately things have not gone my way. They haven't even turned out fairly decent. I'm pretty terrified that Jim is going to be another tease of what I really want but cannot have. I've come to the decision that I'm just going to go with it. Things will play out as they should. Hopefully things will turn out very well and if not Jim will have been apart of my life and I will definitely have our many good memories together.

First Dates and First Kisses

I find it funny that just the other day I was whining in my post about boys and relationships and love. Yada yada. Its especially funny when I got invited to go out yesterday and had an amazing time. A couple months ago I started talking to Jim online. We emailed back and forth and it went no where. I kinda took it as he wasn't interested. That we were just emailing to kill time or something. Then out of the blue I get an email from him again apologizing for not having email me in a while. He seemed more cheery and it was pleasant. With the bad that has been going on receiving an email asking me if I would like to get together some time was perfect. What I found most shocking was before I could respond or even think about it he text me saying 'Do me a favor and let me pay for everything.' He wanted to treat me. ::smile:: The plan was that he would come pick me up and we would drive back out by him (which is over 40 miles away :/). We'd go out to dinner and since I'm more for plain old American food it was decided that we were going to Applebee's. After that...the drive in! :) To see Up and Land of the Lost. So since it was our first time meeting I was so nervous and this long drive gave us a lot of time to chat. It was a little difficult at first but we soon got comfortable with each other. It was a lovely scenic drive through parts of Illinois that I'd never been. I loved it. Reminder: Visit Castle Rock Park sometime. When we got into town we stopped off at his apartment to grab a few things. I met his cute little cat. Her name was...Kit Cat :) She was adorable! After we headed to dinner. It was a nice time, good food. We finished just in time for the movie. We headed over to the drive in. I was so excited. Going to the drive in was something we used to do in my family when we were younger. Jim had never been to the drive in. An experience! :) Without dragging out all the details we sat through Up which was adorable. Towards the end he put his arm around me and we cuddled in the back seat to the movie. We decided that we were going to stay for Land of the Lost. I enjoyed the movie a bit lol After it was over and people started leaving I looked at him and he leaned in and kissed me... Wonderful! There was perfect chemistry between us. The kiss was amazing. No awkwardness at all lol We decided to hang out a little bit longer at his place so we got ready to leave. As soon as he turned on the car he caught me off guard by sliding his hand behind my neck and pulling me in for a quick kiss. I had butterflies in my stomach! We went to his place and watched a movie for a bit. Of course there was more kissing involved. It was an amazing night. It was time to go at that point. It was really late and he needed to be at work at 8am. When we walked outside it was raining. Right before we got to his car I pulled his arm and turned him towards me. We kissed in the rain :) Such a memory. The drive home was long but I was in blissful state. I kissed him goodnight and went inside to sleep. I cant wait to see him again. Normally someone who lives about an hour away from me I wouldn't try to have anything with. I'd much rather we live closer and have more of an opportunity to see each other. My major flaw is getting attached too easily. I'm already excited about seeing him again... I should not get attached to someone I just met. ::sigh::

The Path To Love

My younger sister was talking about her best friend today. They're both 19 and just starting to experience what growing up is like. My sisters best friend is in her first real relationship. They both are smart girls. So much smarter towards guys and relationships than me and my friends were at their age, or any age.

Marina is taking it slow and being smart about things. I'm proud of her. So when my sister told me that Marinas boyfriend said that he loved her along with a few other stories my heart grew a bit heavy and I pushed the smile on my face.

Of course I'm happy for Marina. My problem was still thinking why not me. When is it my turn?...

I have been in love once. I was young when I met him. 14 to be exact. We spent all they way up until I was 17 as very close friends. From 17 till a little after my 20th birthday we were in a serious relationship. I actually moved from Illinois to Ohio to be near him. Biggest mistake of my life...If anyone out there is contemplating the thought I say no. Don't do it. It may be different for couples who are older and have more life experience, but I was so young and immature. It was such a mistake.

I've been living back home for a little over a year now and he and I have been separated since December 2007.

I did not feel ready to start dating till October 2008. At that point I finally started putting myself out there. I felt good about it too. My child-like heart honestly never thought I'd be able to get over my first love. I believed our love would conquer anything. So when I finally reached the point where I wanted to meet new people I was thrilled. It had been years since I took the chances.

How do you think it worked out? Fail...lol

The first guy was a friend from my circle that I was comfortable with. That was an odd choice. The next one, James...boy did I like him. When I wasn't really looking he messaged me on myspace just out looking for new people. We chatted for a bit through texts and the phone and then finally got together. It was a simple night of dinner and a couple movies on the sofa that ended with the most wonderful kiss.

Remember..I had been in one relationship prior to this. My first real kiss was with my first boyfriend and from that first kiss until I started dating James I hasn't had much kissing experience with anyone else before. I loved James kisses. He has this amazing way of just lightly touching my face before, during, and after a kiss that makes me go dizzy and weak. I kept telling myself to move slow and be smart. I had been out of my past relationship for a while but I didn't want to be all silly and just fall for whatever came next. I thought I was doing good too. I kinda opened up to the relationship and let the guard down a bit. I remember telling my mbff- male best friend forever- that I was really happy and could fall for James. Makie of course told me to put those feelings away for a little bit. He was definitely smarter than I was.

James and I were together officially a month when he ended it. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and before I knew it I was completely hurt and heart broken. After all my efforts to not be so attached. We hung out a little longer after that. We still talk and have hung out once, but I suppose it's really over.

The next guy after that did everything a man could to reel me in. He met me at the wrong time, just as I was getting over James. But he played it off as such a good guy being there for me. Really caring about how I felt. After I had time to heal and wanted to see where things would go it was only a short while before he threw out 'I'm not really looking for anything serious. I really like you and really trust you and would like to have a friends with benefits thing.' This was after this guy did everything to tell me that I'm not the marrying type, which is pretty much a main goal of mine, and that mainly I was trashy and made poor decisions. That came from me having a tattoo and he feels anyone who has one can be described like that. My tattoo by the way is a less than inch tattoo behind my ear that says bff...I'm way trashy and make poor decisions...yup. Boy people do change.

That all ended at the end of March. I'm a fairly single girl now. I'm out there trying to meet people. Am I trying too hard? I meet guy after guy and it goes no where. Great chemistry and good times. Stops short of anything serious.

I'm not asking for anyone to marry me. But I'm not the one for casual and I cant wrap my mind around why I'm not one of the lucky ones. Gosh you don't know how many times I've heard things about how great and wonderful I am. About how I am any guys dreams. I don't believe those things anymore. If I was so special wouldn't there be a guy who actually wanted something with me.

I probably sound like a depressed and on a rush female but I 'm really not. We all would like love, caring, and affection. I'm not wrong there. I'm just sick of seeing people who could care less about such serious things, people who get 'bored' in relationships finding people who really like them. All the while I just stare on in confusion.

At 14 I had a love I thought would last forever. I never feared that I would feel heart break or loneliness. Over a year and a half now I have been alone trying to patiently wait for my time.

I have so much to give.

For Firsts

Welcome...

My name is Aubree. I'm your average girl. I've always had a myspace or a livejournal. I even have a facebook and I do occasionally use the blog or note spot on there but lately I've been feeling uncomfortable announcing my thoughts. Either my friends read and write nothing keeping their possible scrutinizing thoughts to themselves or I get crap about what I've written. Jokingly of course. But maybe that wasn't the reaction I was looking for. Its not that I have bad friends. I just wanted some different blog spot to write on. So here I am.

The thought came to mind that anyone who wants to contact me I suppose feel free. I like meeting new people. And since its more than likely anyone coming across my page isn't someone I've known for years I'd be intrigued in hearing what they had to say.

I'm actually going to cut this off right here for now. I have plenty of things running through my mind right now but I don't exactly feel like gushing at the moment...lol

I'll be back.