My younger sister was talking about her best friend today. They're both 19 and just starting to experience what growing up is like. My sisters best friend is in her first real relationship. They both are smart girls. So much smarter towards guys and relationships than me and my friends were at their age, or any age.
Marina is taking it slow and being smart about things. I'm proud of her. So when my sister told me that Marinas boyfriend said that he loved her along with a few other stories my heart grew a bit heavy and I pushed the smile on my face.
Of course I'm happy for Marina. My problem was still thinking why not me. When is it my turn?...
I have been in love once. I was young when I met him. 14 to be exact. We spent all they way up until I was 17 as very close friends. From 17 till a little after my 20th birthday we were in a serious relationship. I actually moved from Illinois to Ohio to be near him. Biggest mistake of my life...If anyone out there is contemplating the thought I say no. Don't do it. It may be different for couples who are older and have more life experience, but I was so young and immature. It was such a mistake.
I've been living back home for a little over a year now and he and I have been separated since December 2007.
I did not feel ready to start dating till October 2008. At that point I finally started putting myself out there. I felt good about it too. My child-like heart honestly never thought I'd be able to get over my first love. I believed our love would conquer anything. So when I finally reached the point where I wanted to meet new people I was thrilled. It had been years since I took the chances.
How do you think it worked out? Fail...lol
The first guy was a friend from my circle that I was comfortable with. That was an odd choice. The next one, James...boy did I like him. When I wasn't really looking he messaged me on myspace just out looking for new people. We chatted for a bit through texts and the phone and then finally got together. It was a simple night of dinner and a couple movies on the sofa that ended with the most wonderful kiss.
Remember..I had been in one relationship prior to this. My first real kiss was with my first boyfriend and from that first kiss until I started dating James I hasn't had much kissing experience with anyone else before. I loved James kisses. He has this amazing way of just lightly touching my face before, during, and after a kiss that makes me go dizzy and weak. I kept telling myself to move slow and be smart. I had been out of my past relationship for a while but I didn't want to be all silly and just fall for whatever came next. I thought I was doing good too. I kinda opened up to the relationship and let the guard down a bit. I remember telling my mbff- male best friend forever- that I was really happy and could fall for James. Makie of course told me to put those feelings away for a little bit. He was definitely smarter than I was.
James and I were together officially a month when he ended it. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and before I knew it I was completely hurt and heart broken. After all my efforts to not be so attached. We hung out a little longer after that. We still talk and have hung out once, but I suppose it's really over.
The next guy after that did everything a man could to reel me in. He met me at the wrong time, just as I was getting over James. But he played it off as such a good guy being there for me. Really caring about how I felt. After I had time to heal and wanted to see where things would go it was only a short while before he threw out 'I'm not really looking for anything serious. I really like you and really trust you and would like to have a friends with benefits thing.' This was after this guy did everything to tell me that I'm not the marrying type, which is pretty much a main goal of mine, and that mainly I was trashy and made poor decisions. That came from me having a tattoo and he feels anyone who has one can be described like that. My tattoo by the way is a less than inch tattoo behind my ear that says bff...I'm way trashy and make poor decisions...yup. Boy people do change.
That all ended at the end of March. I'm a fairly single girl now. I'm out there trying to meet people. Am I trying too hard? I meet guy after guy and it goes no where. Great chemistry and good times. Stops short of anything serious.
I'm not asking for anyone to marry me. But I'm not the one for casual and I cant wrap my mind around why I'm not one of the lucky ones. Gosh you don't know how many times I've heard things about how great and wonderful I am. About how I am any guys dreams. I don't believe those things anymore. If I was so special wouldn't there be a guy who actually wanted something with me.
I probably sound like a depressed and on a rush female but I 'm really not. We all would like love, caring, and affection. I'm not wrong there. I'm just sick of seeing people who could care less about such serious things, people who get 'bored' in relationships finding people who really like them. All the while I just stare on in confusion.
At 14 I had a love I thought would last forever. I never feared that I would feel heart break or loneliness. Over a year and a half now I have been alone trying to patiently wait for my time.
I have so much to give.
Marina is taking it slow and being smart about things. I'm proud of her. So when my sister told me that Marinas boyfriend said that he loved her along with a few other stories my heart grew a bit heavy and I pushed the smile on my face.
Of course I'm happy for Marina. My problem was still thinking why not me. When is it my turn?...
I have been in love once. I was young when I met him. 14 to be exact. We spent all they way up until I was 17 as very close friends. From 17 till a little after my 20th birthday we were in a serious relationship. I actually moved from Illinois to Ohio to be near him. Biggest mistake of my life...If anyone out there is contemplating the thought I say no. Don't do it. It may be different for couples who are older and have more life experience, but I was so young and immature. It was such a mistake.
I've been living back home for a little over a year now and he and I have been separated since December 2007.
I did not feel ready to start dating till October 2008. At that point I finally started putting myself out there. I felt good about it too. My child-like heart honestly never thought I'd be able to get over my first love. I believed our love would conquer anything. So when I finally reached the point where I wanted to meet new people I was thrilled. It had been years since I took the chances.
How do you think it worked out? Fail...lol
The first guy was a friend from my circle that I was comfortable with. That was an odd choice. The next one, James...boy did I like him. When I wasn't really looking he messaged me on myspace just out looking for new people. We chatted for a bit through texts and the phone and then finally got together. It was a simple night of dinner and a couple movies on the sofa that ended with the most wonderful kiss.
Remember..I had been in one relationship prior to this. My first real kiss was with my first boyfriend and from that first kiss until I started dating James I hasn't had much kissing experience with anyone else before. I loved James kisses. He has this amazing way of just lightly touching my face before, during, and after a kiss that makes me go dizzy and weak. I kept telling myself to move slow and be smart. I had been out of my past relationship for a while but I didn't want to be all silly and just fall for whatever came next. I thought I was doing good too. I kinda opened up to the relationship and let the guard down a bit. I remember telling my mbff- male best friend forever- that I was really happy and could fall for James. Makie of course told me to put those feelings away for a little bit. He was definitely smarter than I was.
James and I were together officially a month when he ended it. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and before I knew it I was completely hurt and heart broken. After all my efforts to not be so attached. We hung out a little longer after that. We still talk and have hung out once, but I suppose it's really over.
The next guy after that did everything a man could to reel me in. He met me at the wrong time, just as I was getting over James. But he played it off as such a good guy being there for me. Really caring about how I felt. After I had time to heal and wanted to see where things would go it was only a short while before he threw out 'I'm not really looking for anything serious. I really like you and really trust you and would like to have a friends with benefits thing.' This was after this guy did everything to tell me that I'm not the marrying type, which is pretty much a main goal of mine, and that mainly I was trashy and made poor decisions. That came from me having a tattoo and he feels anyone who has one can be described like that. My tattoo by the way is a less than inch tattoo behind my ear that says bff...I'm way trashy and make poor decisions...yup. Boy people do change.
That all ended at the end of March. I'm a fairly single girl now. I'm out there trying to meet people. Am I trying too hard? I meet guy after guy and it goes no where. Great chemistry and good times. Stops short of anything serious.
I'm not asking for anyone to marry me. But I'm not the one for casual and I cant wrap my mind around why I'm not one of the lucky ones. Gosh you don't know how many times I've heard things about how great and wonderful I am. About how I am any guys dreams. I don't believe those things anymore. If I was so special wouldn't there be a guy who actually wanted something with me.
I probably sound like a depressed and on a rush female but I 'm really not. We all would like love, caring, and affection. I'm not wrong there. I'm just sick of seeing people who could care less about such serious things, people who get 'bored' in relationships finding people who really like them. All the while I just stare on in confusion.
At 14 I had a love I thought would last forever. I never feared that I would feel heart break or loneliness. Over a year and a half now I have been alone trying to patiently wait for my time.
I have so much to give.
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