Say you will be all around me When your body sets your heart free Say you will be all around me

I feel absolutely nauseous.

Last night I broke down and after two days of not saying anything to Matthew I sent him an email.

Mainly I said that I wanted a chance. I didn't actually ask and I wasn't going to beg but its obvious that was probably the intent of my email.

There was a mix of apologizing for my mistake, reassurance that my drunkenness was not me, and that he should remember the things he liked of me. I told him that I needed to take this chance, of sending him and 'I'm sorry. Please think it over' email. What kind of person would I be if I didn't take the chances that I felt needed to be taken? This was important to me. He is worth it.

I did state that I would not be the nagging ex that just will not go away. I assume not hearing from him means...its over. He is done with me forever.

I was on the dating website that we met each other through. As an update it showed me that he had changed and added some new pictures. Pictures without his beard...He made a comment about how with the beard he was only attracting women with children and was happy I responded. By taking those down and putting no facial hair ones up I'm so scared someone is going to message him or respond to something he says.

God why am I so fucking dumb. I had something really good. Something I was really happy about. He left me...Why did he have to leave me?

Anyway...the updates of him made my heart hurt so much that tears instantly ran. So here I am trying to type it all out so I'm not seen crying in front of my friends and family. ::sigh::

Its Thanksgiving break at school. When we first started dating Matthew said he wanted me with him for as much of the break that we could have together. Can you guess what is going through my mind lately? Since I wouldn't have any plans this week or weekend I volunteered to work this Friday and Saturday. In attempt to keep my mind off of Matthew I have caused other coworkers of mine to be very upset.

I also just got a car yesterday. Too little too late. When driving away I told Heather, my bff, that had I bought this car just a few weeks ago maybe things would have been different. I would have loved seeing Matthew more often. I'm probably dumb for wondering if telling him that I have a car would effect his mind at all. No...what am I thinking. Matthew is a smart, mature man that would not be so stupid. I'm the stupid one, again.

I was looking forward to him loving me at some point as well as me loving him. I felt so happy. So ready. For once I wasn't scared. I jumped without looking and trusted him.

Matthew I wish you would come back.