Summer of 2011

So here I am again. Its been a while hmm? I don't know why I dislike the computer so much but it seems I do. When I dislike the computer, I stay away. 


There is someone new in my life. He isn't really new. For the first time in my life I am with someone who I haven't met on an online dating website. This is a big difference for me!

His name is Mike, and he is magical. 


In short, I met him through a good friend of mine. We all constantly hung out and I guess things developed. Well honestly, a little bit of Jager encouraged me to kiss him at a party one night. After that, we continued to talk daily, then began to hang out, and as of June 7th 2011 we are officially dating. 

Love...

Where Have I Been

Hmm...

Its been a while since I have been on here. Something I am learning about myself...I really want to blog. I want to write and have people read whatever I chose to put up here lol but I avoid the computer at all cost. Its somewhat of a life sucking machine. I barely have enough time in the day as it is. Throw a computer into the scene and I am gone. I guess I just don't have the strength needed to say "No. Work only then get off". I think I'm also worried that I don't have much to say so what is the point of posting randomness right? Oh well! Hopefully someone out there finds my ridiculous ramblings worth while.

This blog site did honestly start off as an emoface sort of thing. I was sad and depressed and needed a way to get it out. A private journal is okay but part of me wants someone, somewhere to see what I have to say. Whether it does anything for them or not. Its like talking to an invisible person who says nothing and yet you feel better in the end. So thats what this is. My ramblings to the invisible person out there, whoever you are...thank you.

Do I catch up on what as been happening in my life? Honestly nothing too important. I wish I had things to say that we great and exciting. Summer came and went. It was a decent summer. I did a lot of things I probably wouldn't have had it not been for Keith. There is the main point to my summer. In May around the time school was ending I met Keith on a free dating website called OkCupid.com. We had been chatting for a while and finally found the time to meet up. He had his brutal past while I had mine and somehow we meshed wonderfully. On May 23rd he took me near this pond he goes to now and then to think and asked me to be his girlfriend. That moment was the sweetest and cutest I had experienced in a long time. So the summer was spent with him. My first real summer relationship. Its been almost four months and things are still going great. I couldn't be more thankful for having him in my life.

Now I am back in school. Not so much fun. This is my second year at RVC. I'm taking an intro to philosophy class, a humanities class, an art history class, and a world religions class. They're all really fun and interesting classes! Probably my most exciting semester so far but every day I am teased with the thought of traveling. All my life I have wanted to go to London with my best friend, Heather. That plan has been on hold forever it seems and I sometimes wonder if it will ever happen due to the fact that I never have enough money and she is not living with her boyfriend and his child. Actually once I said something along the lines of trying to save up some money so we can go and she said " I don't think Andy would like that very much". That only causes me to think she'll never travel alone with me. Sadface indeed.

My humanities teacher has been everywhere! and has a story for almost everything we talk about. It teases me. I have a friend, Dale, who lives in England. I actually met him a few years ago on facebook. I think it was through and are you interested thing. Actually I didn't know how to use it and had all these backed up people. While going through Dale was the one I found most interesting. Turned out he lived in England which made it more exciting to talk to him. Over the past couple years we have gotten close. Phone calls, emails, IMs, texts, and letters. Someday I want to meet him. Anyone who has made an impact on my life that I have met online is someone I want to meet face to face. Otherwise they seem like a dream to me. I'll never know if they're really real. So plainly put my classes make me desperately want to travel to England, more so than ever.

The problem about that is...I just lost my job. Tuesday I went into work only to find out that we wont be working. The office was a tiny four person deal. It just wasn't working. Not enough profit. So...they shut down. Didn't even have the money to pay us from the week before. That really hurt because right now I have about $0.67 left in my account until they can pay me. I have also contacted the unemployment office. I filled out the confusing application online and am not waiting to hear if I will be approved. In the mean time bills are still coming in. No one really cares if you office just shut down. They just want their money. I am definitely stressed about that. The only good thing is I hope I'll now find a full time job that isn't weird hours to where I can start paying off my debt and saving at the same time. Oh I couldn't be happier.

Speaking of that...Borders was hiring the day I went in. I immediately filled out an application and have since then called three times trying to speak to the hiring manager. Either I have terrible timing or the hiring manager really doesn't want to be bothered. They have taking my information down twice so hopefully my name becomes familiar with the manager. Hopefully then they will see I am dedicated and really want this job. Wish me luck? I really need something. Its been a week without working and two weeks without pay :(

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared.

Well I suppose I can leave it at this for now. I kind of just wanted to sum up what was going on in my life lately so I can get back in the groove of hopefully writing in here more often.

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one

Defeat

In the soothing orange light of the setting sun
She sits there waiting on its disappearance
Her body melts into the creaking swing
While her feet play into the delicate grass
Her heart is heavy in her chest
Like the truth of a hidden lie
She eases deeper into the swing
Accepting the burden scorching inside
She believes this is the last day of its kind
Days to come will flow with less magic and happiness
She stares at the sun deeply, wondering if when it returns
Will it have changed like everything else
No longer will she be a bright persuasion
The disbelievers have stolen her light
The battle was agonizing
And in the world where good never wins over evil
She was defeated
The sun suffocates beneath the horizon
While her heart beats to never cease
In the cool darkness of the night
Tears begin to fall unseen
But no one will care

Say you will be all around me When your body sets your heart free Say you will be all around me

I feel absolutely nauseous.

Last night I broke down and after two days of not saying anything to Matthew I sent him an email.

Mainly I said that I wanted a chance. I didn't actually ask and I wasn't going to beg but its obvious that was probably the intent of my email.

There was a mix of apologizing for my mistake, reassurance that my drunkenness was not me, and that he should remember the things he liked of me. I told him that I needed to take this chance, of sending him and 'I'm sorry. Please think it over' email. What kind of person would I be if I didn't take the chances that I felt needed to be taken? This was important to me. He is worth it.

I did state that I would not be the nagging ex that just will not go away. I assume not hearing from him means...its over. He is done with me forever.

I was on the dating website that we met each other through. As an update it showed me that he had changed and added some new pictures. Pictures without his beard...He made a comment about how with the beard he was only attracting women with children and was happy I responded. By taking those down and putting no facial hair ones up I'm so scared someone is going to message him or respond to something he says.

God why am I so fucking dumb. I had something really good. Something I was really happy about. He left me...Why did he have to leave me?

Anyway...the updates of him made my heart hurt so much that tears instantly ran. So here I am trying to type it all out so I'm not seen crying in front of my friends and family. ::sigh::

Its Thanksgiving break at school. When we first started dating Matthew said he wanted me with him for as much of the break that we could have together. Can you guess what is going through my mind lately? Since I wouldn't have any plans this week or weekend I volunteered to work this Friday and Saturday. In attempt to keep my mind off of Matthew I have caused other coworkers of mine to be very upset.

I also just got a car yesterday. Too little too late. When driving away I told Heather, my bff, that had I bought this car just a few weeks ago maybe things would have been different. I would have loved seeing Matthew more often. I'm probably dumb for wondering if telling him that I have a car would effect his mind at all. No...what am I thinking. Matthew is a smart, mature man that would not be so stupid. I'm the stupid one, again.

I was looking forward to him loving me at some point as well as me loving him. I felt so happy. So ready. For once I wasn't scared. I jumped without looking and trusted him.

Matthew I wish you would come back.

He Doesn't Know Me. He Doesn't Trust Me.

I talked to Matthew. I found out what happened. Well sort of...

Mainly the last time we were together, my drunkenness, it caused him to think that was who I was. Matthew told me that he believes the real person comes out when you are drunk. I was bratty, ridiculous, stupid, annoying, and so very very drunk...Not who I am at all.

Matthew said here he was still trying to impress me and I was getting trashed and being bratty. I couldn't help him see that wasn't really me. The time we had been together, who he fell for, who he had been getting to know was me. He doesn't trust that.

I never get that drunk. They next day I woke up completely ashamed. I apologized to him, but I guess that didn't make a difference. He left me anyway.

I asked him to not believe that I am that person. He just stopped responding. I haven't heard from him since.

The silence isn't so bad, Till I look at my hands and feel sad

I have to admit I have not been on here very often. Mainly because my heart hurt. The last guy that I was gushing over, Jim...he is gone. After getting together at that party we talked a little while longer. However, we never saw each other again.

Figures.

I took a little bit of a break. I was open to the idea of meeting people, but again in no rush. Classes started. I was juggling my job and school mixed with life. Tons of fun to be exact. Then one day I received a message from this guy on the dating site I was on. Apparently the site suggested that we would be good for each other. He took a chance and messaged me. I liked him :) So for a while we messaged back and forth. Eventually we moved to chatting and texting on the phones.

Long story short...

We met October 10th after I got off work. The connection was there. We were both still attracted to each other in person. It was so nice. Needless to say I was very excited.

I'm not going to go into all the details at this moment of what our weekends together were like. Lets just say that first night together there was an amazing connection. A desire to be together. Mid-sentence he kissed me. I was dizzy.

Normally I wouldn't go for jumping into a committed relationship without knowing each other a little longer. However, that night he asked me to be his. It was exactly what I wanted. My heart was happy, and it was obvious because every time he kissed me unintentionally I made sighing noises. I could not help myself.

I'm cursed remember? I was terrified that by the end of the month he would disappear. He knew of my past relationships. He was confident enough to not fear that the end of the month would end our relationship. He even joked with me saying yes he would tell me what the reason was for people leaving if it ever go to that. However, I don't honestly think he imagined us ending.

I was surprised when it happened Saturday.

I still cant tell you exactly what happened. Unfortunately, we were only able to see each other on the weekends with school and work. The previous weekend he went back home to see his family and the whole time we text each other. It was obvious that we missed the other and wished the weekend had worked out differently. The cute texts of missing each other and excitement to see each other the next weekend continued. Then Saturday came and he just didn't show up, didn't text, didn't answer my calls.

It wasn't until late that evening when I was sitting at my best friends house that I finally got a text saying he doesn't know what to say except for that we should break up. There was little more conversation there, but nothing that made me feel I knew what happened. He did say that what he felt at the beginning was not there anymore.

I'm angry at the two weeks apart that left me so suddenly alone and without him.

I slept four hours the entire weekend. As the week came I was terrified to go on with the day. I had to relearn everything without the comfort of Matthew. Yesterday I sat on campus waiting for my classes hidden in corners hiding my tears from the strangers passing by.

I don't care that he left me. I don't care to know the exact reason why. I just want him to come and give me another chance. I keep wishing for him to think about me. If he misses me just a second maybe we could have a second shot. My mind is foolish. I think back to the 'trend' of my past failed one month relationships. Those guys would come back after a week or two feeling they made a mistake. I want Matthew to do that. A bigger part of me thinks he isn't the immature fool all the other guys were.

What will happen?

Yesterday Matthew and I continued to text back and forth about normal things happening throughout the day. My job, his registration, things going on with the best friend, and more. The conversation was like two friends talking I suppose. I think I went to bed hoping it would happen again. Eventually leading to him coming back. I just miss him.

I suppose the good news is my heart isn't aching as bad today. I can actually breathe. Thank you Matthew for talking to me yesterday. It doesn't hurt as much.