Greatest Lover in the World

Steph got me to watch Don Juan DeMarco tonight. 

Typically I'm really really really bad with watching new movies (unless with a date for some reason). We had been struggling to find anything to watch and that movie just happened to be on HBO so we just kept up with it and...I loved it.

Greatest lover in the world. Well! It was just another silly movie but it bummed me out.

I tested the waters with Wayne again and, not surprisingly, there was no response. 

I swear, I am trying my hardest just to let this go. Like people say "It was just one date." I guess it was more to me...or at least I wanted more. I felt a little bit more. Especially when I was with him. I'm not that delusional that I made up the idea that he had a good time. I'm just so hurt that I am soooo easily forgotten. 

How do I accept that? I'm something easy to let go, something easy to forget about. How does one swallow that fact?

Another Day in Paradise

I have recently been shown www.giphy.com and I think it would be safe to say I'm addicted. 

I am currently in bed watching Keith:

I took a funny photo of myself this afternoon..don't know why. After looking at it I thought "I could send this to Wayne..just to see what happens." I thought it best to wait though. Actually, I wasn't sure I would send the photo. 

So as the day passed I found myself scrolling over our text conversation, trying to quickly avoid his photo. For whatever reason just seeing that a conversation, a happy conversation, once existed eats at my heart. While doing this I started to feel angry. I couldn't help but want to yell at him. Who the hell just disappears like this (except for every other man I've dated...). 

With this anger surfacing I found myself wanting to just text him something along the lines of how I'm sure he's busy but I would like my shirt belt (an item left at his apartment) back so if he could keep that in mind for when he returns from Minnesota.

In my head that text was somewhat spiteful, somewhat sarcastic, somewhat hitting on how fucking rude it is that he's just disappeared. I'm sure in reality it wouldn't come across that way. So I settled for sending that silly photo and saying how it summed up the blahness of the day.

Hours later he responded! Of course the text only spoke of how busy he'd been with traveling lately. I said something about poor him. He said he's survive.

And thus ends the conversation. What the fuck are you doing Aubree? The man for me, if he exists, wont play games like this. He'll want to speak to me, want to see me again, he wont give me things to question or worry about. 

Wayne doesn't want me.

Catching Fire

Waking Up with the Past

Oh boy. Hanging out on this page last night right before bed seriously played with my mind. 

I ended up having a dream about a man I dated almost three years ago, Mike. Typically I don't remember my dreams unless they're frightening ones. This one was very much in my mind the moment I woke up and seems to have stuck with me throughout the day.

Basically, in the dream we were discussing getting back together. It seemed like it was present day and that he had approached me with this want to try again. Naturally in dreams things kept coming up which kept us from reaching a final decision but I definitely recall in the dream knowing my answer was yes. 

It felt really good to be near him...To see him again. So of course when I woke up I had that somewhat happy feeling and when I realized it was just a dream that happiness was replaced with the empty feeling. 

I don't think of Mike often. Actually he rarely crosses my mind and when he does I find myself smiling. He definitely hurt me when he left but for some unknown reason when he does cross my mind the memories make me happy instead of bringing the typical angry/upset feelings we mostly experience when thinking of an ex. 

I have wondered what that meant before and I guess for me it means that he meant a lot to me. I apparently was happy and although things did not work out in the best way those memories still hold the happier feelings and I am glad to have had the chance to experience them. 

I missed him today though. That's not good. I know it was just because of the dream...and probably because of my current heartache situation. I suppose I'm here writing about it to get it out and not hold it inside. 

I can't help but wonder if I'll always carry that "what if" when it comes to Mike. I'm gonna say no. Just as soon as the one for me comes along that will fade and he will have been just a great chapter in my life. 

In regards to the man from my date on the 15th..I only heard from him once yesterday. That was mostly a reply to something randomly I had stated. I waited to see if he's say anything to me today. There was nothing. 

Tonight I go to bed alone knowing that the moment I open my eyes tomorrow I'll reach for my phone, hoping to see something from him. It's reality though. There wont be a message from him. When that settles in the ache in my chest will become apparent and I'll have to start on with my day.

Why Not Me?

Once again here I am. Why is it the only time I ever want to write here is when my heart feels like it is shattering into a million little pieces?

Saturday the 15th I had a really lovely date with this man named Wayne. We spent nearly 12 hours together! Drinks, puppies, dinner, chats, music, darts,...kisses. It really was lovely. However the very next day things changed.

He stopped texting as much, stopped attempting phone calls to me. He has yet to ask me to see him again. The clear sign says that he's not interested. But there is a side of me that can't honestly imagine how he isn't after that date. 

I guess I am a fool for love. I know not one thing about it. I suck at it apparently. All I know is each man that comes into my life, even for such a brief moment, I find myself attached to him. I am hopeful and dreaming of the moment when I wont have to let go. 

But far too often I have to let go. 

I'm 26 and I realize that is young for these days but there is a part of me that worries I will never find him. Maybe I'm not meant to find the one. 

There is an emptiness in my life, in my heart. I know what that void is from and I cant seem to fill it. Each time I put myself out there in the hopes that I will fill it I come back more bruised. I can't see the worth in trying again but continually I do. Masochist?