Here We Go

The last time that I saw Jeff was April 3rd. I finally saw him again at 2AM on May 13th. :( Such a long time to wait for someone you care about.

On Thursday I finished up with my finals and expected Jeff to have as well. Our off days are Thursdays and normally we would see each other then. I texted him saying "I wish we could sort of celebrate classes being over with. I guess I just really miss you. I hope you feel less overwhelmed now that you don't have to worry about classes". He never responded.

It broke my heart. I couldn't imagine that he was so busy that he couldn't respond. With my past, all I could assume was that he was playing me. Jeff was leaving me and this is just his sick way of ending it, avoiding me.

That evening I spent some time with friends and they felt that if he wanted to be with me he would, that I should break it off because I deserve better. I woke up Friday feeling extremely upset. Finally I just decided that was it. I need my things back if its over. Then I'll be rid of him and maybe it will be easier to move on. I text him "Baby I miss you but I'm very confused. I know you asked for time. its gone beyond feeling like you just need space to work things out. I continue to feel like you're wanting to leave. I don't feel like you want me in you life because just as things got stressful you left. A while ago you said you didn't want to lose me but I feel as if Ive lost you'd. I don't want to lose you. It hurts so much saying this because its not what I want. I think its only fair if we get together to discuss this and fix it or I need to get my things back from you. I want to be a part of your life. I care about you Jeff. I just need to know where you want me and if its not with you then I need to go".

Nothing...all day.

I went into work that evening and cried twice. I thought it was over. I mean, it had to be. He wasn't saying anything to assure me that wasn't the case, nothing to ease my mind. I know he was going through some things but if someone I cared about was thinking that way I would instantly try to assure them.

Saturday morning was hell. I was rude to everyone I crossed paths with and I didn't care at all. Then around noon I got a text from him. He said he was sorry for putting me through this. I didn't know how to take that and for twenty minutes didn't know what to say. Was he saying he's sorry that he is going to hurt me like he knows I've been hurt in the past? Please don't let it be that...

He then said "I'm sorry you feel like you're losing me. That's not the case hun. You don't deserve the way Ive been dealing with this but I'm doing the best I can. I could like to see you tonight but I close so its up to you. I really suck at dealing with this kind of stuff. I just keep it to myself and deal with it internally".

That's when I began to realize that his independent personality was through and through. He felt that when things go bad its his to deal with and shuts down.

How can you be there for someone you care about when they do that? How can I, a very caring person who would like to help when she can, do what I normally would if the person pulls away?

I'm afraid.

I went to my friends fight which was 20 minutes from his place. I waited in a Jewel parking lot for 4 hours for him to get off work. Then I showed up at his place and we went to talk.

What I got was he was sort of putting on a front. Somewhat casual, somewhat sarcastic in a sense. I think he was trying to cover up being upset about what was happening. I sat with my back against a wall facing in front of me and after a bit he sat next to me and did the same. He was talking about how he hated emotions and this is how he's always been when I looked over at him. He was crying and instantly when he saw me looking at him he covered his face and just breathed heavily for a while until he stopped crying.

I don't think he wanted me to see. It hurt me so much that he felt he had to hide.

What it comes down to is that when things get bad he feels theres nothing that anyone else can really do about it so all he does is hold it inside until it slips away. That was his exact words. Every time he said something that lead to him having to be alone through bad things my heart broke. I care for him and to know that he feels he has to feel this pain alone kills me.

I wish I had said that to him. I didn't.

When I asked what now he said "cant things just go back to the way they were before". I wish it were that easy. If it was things would be as they were. We would have texted more frequently yesterday and today. Yesterday I only heard from him a few times. Today, not at all.

He left for a business trip and wont be back until Thursday night. I'm hoping to see him this coming weekend and maybe smooth things over a little bit more. We only saw each other for an hour because I had work early Sunday morning. There wasn't enough time.

Maybe after then things will get better.

I'm just afraid I can't be what he needs or that I'll want too much too soon with this happening. If all his life he was made to feel this way...that's 26 years of undoing. I'm willing if you are.

Unfortunately there will be no baseball birthday fun on Thursday for Jeff. As luck has it, he wont get back until after 11pm. Maybe I should refrain from buying expensive birthday gifts for a bit :/

Want!

Aside from missing Jeff...

...I also want him.

Grr!

It's been over a month since I've seen him and all this missing plays into the wanting as well. Part of me worries I'll just jump him the moment I see him. Which could go either way lol I mean guys don't mind that right?



Patience, Help Me Out.

Last little bit left at work tonight and I miss you so much.

I wonder if anyone thinks I'm crazy for the amount that I come here to say that I miss you. I know that if I don't get it out here I'll go nuts. I wish I just had you with me. Why are we like this again? I hope you'll explain it to me in time.

People keep telling me that I have to have patience. Unfortunately I don't really understand why I need to be patient. Why can't we be together through this? What is going on?

Maybe because I'm stressed I want to be near you a bit more. Last night while at the movie all of the couples upset me. How rare it is that I go to the out and am not bothered by happy couples and how often it is that I find myself without that happiness. We will be happy together again wont we? I hope so.

I don't care about my finals or about school at this point. I just want it all over with so I can see you. However, I don't even know if that is the end point for you. Maybe you intend to stay away longer.

Why are you gone?

Just A Little While Longer

So I completely broke down and text him the other day.

I was sitting in my second class, which is when his first starts, and just wrote on a piece of paper the words "Hey hun :)". The caption then said something like: I just wanted to say a quick hello. Thinking of you, which shouldn't be a surprise lol Anyway, I hope your last week of classes goes well.

So being my lovely self I wanted to just feel satisfied with that but no I found myself wanting a response. The hoping got to me while I waited through my next classes. Finally I'm in my last class, Stats recitation, and I just looked down at my lap seeing my screen light up with his name. OMG what joy that brought. I feel rather ridiculous actually but I was so happy. I actually looked over at the girl next to me and smiled so big. She just looked back like "Oooookkkkaaayyy?" lol His text said: You're so sweet Aubree :)

So from the outside that is quite a simple text but for me it meant everything. Prior to receiving this text I was sitting on a chair in the hall thinking that I really just don't deserve someone nice and caring, that I am blind and didn't see the true him, and that in his attempt to be nice he is lying about all of this and waiting till after the semester to leave me.

I hate that I can feel this way. Its difficult not to when there have been a number of times when someone did something equally cruel. I feel that I doubt myself worth entirely :( I really like him and want to trust him. I don't want past assholes messing this up.

To tell you the rest I ended up texting him back saying: Sometimes :) I'm glad you think so. Shortly after he said: I've been missing you. My heart jumped! It made me so happy I can't even explain myself!! My response was pretty much that and he said: I hope you've been well. I'm looking forward to seeing you.

This gives me something to continue off of till I can see him again. Now I'm less concerned about his birthday gift that will expire. They're Cubs tickets for the 5/17 game and I've never been. I really want to go and start off the summer well.

I really want to talk to him and us to come to an understanding that this is not something I will continue to be okay with. Life gets hard, but when you bring someone into your life you're bringing them into it all. With me, I expect and am prepared to be there for the good and bad. Anyway I'm voicing my argument to my blog when really I guess I will need to speak to him about this.

I just want him to know that I want to be a part of his life, all of it. Once he knows that if he continues to need time where we don't speak and don't see each other for months then I will have to leave.

I don't think its selfish to want something more than that.