An End I Never Expected

Boy do I feel like a fool.

Mike broke up with me last Tuesday evening. He said he went away to his friends wedding, discussed everything with them, and decided that he needs to better himself before he can better anyone else life, bring anything to a relationship. Obviously there is more to it but what it came down to was that he felt he couldn't do a relationship while trying to 'fix' himself and didn't feel it was right to put me through that.

I would have stayed, through it all. I felt that it was important for him to have someone who really cared about him there, to lean on when he needed help. The way he made it seem was that he was in a hole and sometimes I feel you just can't do it alone. Mike, at the time, was one of the greatest people I knew and I would have freely given him anything if he needed it. Call me a fool, I probably still would...

I spent a week without any words from him after he said he wasn't going to push me away, that we were going to stay friends, that I was one of his true friends. My thoughts instantly circled around regret. I thought that if he pulled away and we were never to be friends anymore that I wish I could go back and do it differently. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed very much what we had. I was happy...but if that meant losing him as a friend I'd rather do it differently. His friendship really mattered that much to me and I was so afraid to lose it.

Yesterday I came home from my first day at NIU. It was awful. I couldn't focus in class. All my thoughts were around him, foolishly. I started feeling that this was going to be a bad semester and that I maybe I should take it off. I need the good grades and I know right now that I can't give into school what I needed. Mom took Steph aside and said that she'd been on facebook and saw my profile and felt sad. She then saw Mike and clicked on his profile. In his friends list on the side there was a girl she just happened to click on. When she did, it said that this girl and Mike were in a relationship. Steph then came into my room and asked if Alex had told me anything about Mike lately. She then got teary eyed and said she didn't want to tell met his but Mike was in a relationship.

I felt my whole body go numb. My heart ached in such a pain that I'd never felt before and all I could do was stare.

Mike lied to me.

Its just as plain as that. He lied to me and said he couldn't do a relationship, that we were friends, that I mattered. But...there's no way any of that was true. It hurt to know he was in a relationship but what hurt the most was knowing he lied straight to my face as I sat on his driveway crying to him. I can't help but think that I meant nothing. My mind can't really grasp this because I honestly thought that Mike and I were friends. How stupid must I be? He couldn't have cared about me, even in a friend sense, and do this.

I don't know who he is. I honestly thought I did. I would have given him anything in the world based on the fact that he was such a wonderful person. Knowing how great he was just makes it so you want to give just as much in return for their greatness. I trusted him. I never had any doubt with him and it all goes back to how he was just a good guy. I never needed worry.

None of that was true though.

He lied to me. I lied to myself. I don't trust myself anymore. I don't see how I didn't see it. I'm so stupid for just feeling comfortable with him and letting go. I trusted way too much and threw myself right into the opportunity to get hurt. I can't think about him, about this summer, about all the times we all hung out before the same. I'm so hurt by his actions.

If he didn't want to be with me, it would have hurt like hell but at least he would have been honest. He left me, for another girl, and he's dismissed me entirely from his life.

The stupid part is that really hurts. I should be mad and I guess glad to be rid of him, but I'm not...and that makes me stupid.

Whats wrong with me? How did I not see that his feelings weren't genuine? Why do I keep meeting men who only hurt me? I just don't get it. I see happy people and they get it. Whats so wrong with me that I get put in the situation over and over.

He makes me not want to feel anything for anyone anymore. I don't trust it and I can't take this again. I wish I could forget him.

Finally, Fighting For What I Want.

Things started to change a little with Mike. I couldn't really tell what was going on and I was scared. Lets face it, I've had awful experiences with men before and normally they pull away just before they leave. Mike somewhat stopped texting period. If I didn't send something to provoke a response I'm not sure when I would hear from him. We chatted about it and on a Saturday he said he was glad I told him how I felt and would make more of an attempt, but he admitted that texting wasn't his thing at all. This was somewhat of a surprise to me because when we first started hanging out we text all the time. He explained that maybe he was doing that to get me to like him, to have us have a chance to get to know each other and see if we really liked each other before trying to take it further. 

Tuesday ended up coming and he did it again. With worry of what may be going on, slightly fearing him leaving, and being stressed about other things I became really upset that I hadn't heard from him. Via text after 11pm we somewhat argued about how the texting was more important to me than it was to him. It seemed to be a much bigger deal for me while he was content without the constant text. I tried to explain that all day texting isn't what I need but with him being my boyfriend, and someone who I really care about and makes me really happy, hearing from him after work or something just for a little while before bed would be nice. We also got to discussing how I seem to wait around wondering if I'll see him this night or not. He seemed to take that as me saying we needed to see each other ever night as well. I didn't mean that. I was crying quite a bit because I was so frustrated that I couldn't really express what I wanted. He stopped texting and I didn't hear back from him till almost 2pm the next day.

At that point he said that he wanted to let everything just sit for a while and think about everything for a bit. I quickly responded, having thought quite a bit that day myself, asking if before he made any final decisions could we get together in person to talk, that I had been thinking too. Around 6pm that evening while at work he replied saying that would be fine. That he doesn't want to end up in another 5 year relationship where he ends up unhappy. That he was unsure if he rushed into a relationship when he clearly wasn't fully over the last one and how it effected him and that he felt like an asshole. I was at work. I felt my face flush and my heart pace quicken. I feared the worst. Was this text a simple pre-explanation for the breakup that was going to happen? :( I replied saying that I still wanted to see him and talk and that I wish he didn't feel that way but I couldn't imagine there was much I could do to make him feel differently. 

The following days were torture, to me. I felt that Mike was going to leave me and was unsure there was anything I could do. I continued thinking and realized that if texting was really that big of an issue that it wasn't worth it. I'd rather have him than texts. I could deal without it and we would work something out. I also realized that my pill is making me so crazed and hormonal. I felt the need to explain that, a little more, so that he realized my irrational argument wasn't really me and that I was sorry. The other thing I had thought of was that all my previous relationships were so different. These men lived at least 45 minutes away. In those cases we had set schedules on when to see each other and filled the rest of the time with texts. I realized it didn't have to be that way with Mike because we live less than 10 minutes apart. Things can just happen. I just hoped I was going to be able to explain this to Mike before he decided we weren't good for each other. 

Mike and I last exchanged texts on Wednesday evening. By Friday I was feeling so weak. I went out that evening to see my best friend. After hours of sitting there, saying the same thing, fighting off tears, we decided that if I hadn't heard back from Mike by Sunday after I got off work that I should send him a message or call him. She said that was plenty of time for him to think and the more I had to wait without knowing anything the more unfair it was becoming. I went to work Saturday and was being trained by a new lady. She was very nice and open to me. I ended up breaking down to her, telling her that I wasn't going to be much use because I was in a daze of worry. She was going through boyfriend problems as well. We had a connection. 

I receive no signal at my work so when my phone went off saying I had a voicemail I freaked. I rarely get calls and voicemails. My co-worker told me to go stand outside and check my voicemail, that hopefully it was Mike. When I started listening to my voicemail the message started saying it was from number 630. My heart pace quickened because Mikes area code is 630. Before hearing the rest of the number I clicked to listen to it. It was my dad who I don't really speak to. At that moment adrenaline was flying through my veins. Before I realized what I was doing my fingers were calling Mike at 11:30am on that Saturday. It rang straight to voicemail. I proceeded to leave a message. I plainly said that I was trying to respect his request for time but at this point I was worried. Mid-message my phone beeped. Mike was calling me back.

I clicked over in fear and excitement. He apologized and said he was at work. I explained that I was on my break and had been leaving him a message. I then said that this time was making me worried. He somewhat cut me off and said don't worry. We're okay. My heart was bursting. I replied with a 'Really?' and he said yes. Yes we're fine. I started to cry, stupidly (I hate crying especially to a guy). Through tears I tried to say that I was so relieved to hear that. Mike tried to calm me and said that he just wanted to take things slow and that he had been busy recently plus was thinking. I regained my composure and he said we could get together the next day after 7pm to talk more about this. I couldn't wait. 

8pm the next day came and I hadn't heard from Mike. I said something casual like 'Let me know what time you were wanting to get together tonight'. He replied that he wasn't sure tonight was going to work out. That he was tired and cranky from a friends bachelors party the night before and having to work all day. This was killer. I had been waiting since Tuesday to talk to him and now it was further away. He also explain that the following day he was going to six flags for his birthday and needed to be up early. I said that I didn't have to stay long and that I had a gift I planned on giving him that night, but if I could come over Monday after they got home that would work too. I wanted to see him on his birthday. He then said okay come over now. We'll sit on the driveway and talk for a little bit. Driveway? I felt pushed away.

When I got there he had a chair on the driveway and was just sitting there. He pulled out a chair for me and we just sat there. Finally I asked him what he had been thinking of. He explained that he wasn't still hung up on his ex but the situation. The being hurt from it, damaged. Never doing the 'single' thing. Not having grieved over his grandpa's death yet. That he wasn't emotional. That it wasn't fair to expect me to accept his life, which he said sucked, as a part of my own. I felt defeated. He was giving reasons that I didn't think I could fight. I understood and  was afraid that right now there was nothing I could do. He went more into detail that he can't plan for the future. That when he does serious things happen that hold him back. That he can't move in the near future because he has to take care of his family. That he just lets things build up and build up never letting it break down. That he goes to his job and just ignores the rest. I was crying the entire time. Part from my sadness of thinking he was leaving and a greater part because he felt this way and I didn't want him feeling this pain and loneliness. 

I took my time to explain the few things that I wanted to. He said the texting thing wasn't right for me to give up because that is a part of who I am, what I want, and I shouldn't have to change for him. I tried to help him see that it was an old way of things and we could do it differently. That he means more to me and that I'm willing to let that go and we'd work from there. We discussed the unhealthy way he was feeling and how I want to be there for him so he doesn't have to feel so alone. I refuted his 'I'm not emotional' statement because he had been very emotion at times with me. Maybe not even with statements but just the looks we would occasionally share. I didn't want him to feel alone. He said he didn't want anyone to worry about him or care about him, that he could do it on his own. I said tough luck. Its too late I already care about you and I don't see how I can change that. 

For 2 and a half hours we sat on his driveway discussing, crying, laughing, being ourselves. Our seating changed from just being next to each other to somewhat facing each other. We'd switch off, one person leaning in and then the other. It didn't feel like a break up. We were so comfortable. I couldn't understand. Finally I started asking what is happening to us, what does this mean? His response was I don't know. During that 2 and a half hours the phrases 'I don't know' and 'I don't know what to say' were used so often. Part of me wondered if maybe he didn't want to leave. He just kept saying that it was unfair to me and being that he wasn't so sure this was right it wasn't okay to leave me in the gray area. I didn't care, black, white, gray. I wanted to be apart of his life.

He ended up saying that he didn't know anyone like me. That he felt if we ended it he would lose me. We tried to figure out if we broke up what we could do as far as still talking and seeing each other. I said how could we just invite each other out or visit at each others houses. That I didn't know what the rules were and would need some serious rules if we were to do that. He stated that he supposed it might be strange hanging out unless we went out somewhere right? In anger I said no not to me! Because it's different for me. I want to see you. I want to be with you. I put my head in my hands and let tears silently fell. He asked if I was okay and I said 'Not technically'. He grabbed my hand, touching me for the first time that night, and said I can't do this. My head and heart were hoping he was saying 'I can't leave you. I don't want to'. I asked what and he said I don't know and he let go of my hand. 

I said that I wish I could tell him how foolish he was. That I was something good and something stable and want to stand by his side, be there for him. I stared at the end of the driveway and Mike said 'What should I do' I shook my head and said I can't tell you what I'm thinking. He fought with me to tell him. I looked straight at him with tears in my eyes and said 'Stay with me'. With a fierceness he said do you think thats what's best. If you think thats gonna work tell me now because I'll do it. I didn't know what to say. Finally I said yes. Now that I know what you're feeling I can be there for you, we can take it slow and work through this. You don't have to be alone and if it doesn't work out at least we knew that we tried. He grabbed both my hands and started getting choked up. I started to cry by this and he said 'Thats all you needed to say. Thats all you had to say'. I let the tears fall and he kissed me hard and fast. Tears and kisses mixed. We rested foreheads against each other and both breathed as if we were saying 'finally'. He leaned back and still choked up said 'I need help. I need your help, Aubree. I really care about you. I really care about you'. I pulled closer to him and said that I would be there for him, I promised. 

He invited me into his house and we rekindled our relationship. 

I've written all this down because I don't want to let the memory go. I've never just said what I wanted before. I wanted him, I want him. I told him and I got what I want. He knows how I feel, how much I care for him and how I will be there for him. Maybe he's had bad experiences but I will be the difference. I care about Mike so much. 

I wont forget this.

Love and Being in Love?

I've found that I am so completely wrapped up in him. He is incredible. Yes just absolutely incredible.

I keep thinking to myself 'Wow, you are so lucky to have this' and its true. Mike is...amazing.

He is the type of guy that puts everyone else first, and as far as I can see he always has been. Knowing this, and knowing that he cares for me...I want to be able to do so much for him. I don't know if he realizes how great he is or how much he means to me.

I suppose it might help if I tell him huh?

The truth: I'm afraid that I'm jumping with my feelings. Which, come on, is very easy for me to do right? The only thing I think is different is this time around he was a good friend before hand. I can honestly say that I did love him, as a friend before. Can love grow quickly from that?

(I'm sure he'd hate me for putting this picture up but I love it lol Booze was involved. His outfit: a costume. The night it all began someone shot this photo)

That brings me to something else I have been thinking about lately. Love and being in love.

When I think back to past relationships where I exchanged the words 'I love you' frequently and believed myself to be 'in love' I question whether I really was or not. Because of this I think that maybe, at least for me, I am only meant to be 'in love' with someone once in my life. Right now, thinking of the two men I used that phrase with I feel that I did love them. I cared for them, they were special so yes I loved them but I wasn't in love with them. Maybe at the time, I thought I was. But it wasn't that forever, for real love. 

I'm starting to honestly believe that I will only be in love once. Then I get a little scared because I'm definitely starting to feel strongly for Mike. If I go with what I am saying, and then say that I am 'in love' with him will I really be or is this just another one of those situations? 

Right now I don't care. I want to feel what I am feeling entirely and without thought!

Mike is...everything I imagined having and more. 

Sunday Evenings with Someone You Care About

Yesterday, our town had its Heritage Day Festival. Mainly we have an early 4th of July celebration since no one would stay in a smaller town to see fireworks when they could go to a close larger town. Mike had to work and said he would come over after 6pm when we got off. I was thrilled to see him.

For a shy guy he seems to fit in quite comfortably with everyone who was at my house. When he got here my two brothers, our friend Michael, and my two nephews were throwing little basketballs from across the yard while attempting to make a shot into our little fischer price hoop. I guess for boys this is entertaining. After a little while my step-sisters fiancee joins and the next thing I know is Mike is with them. From the gazebo, I just looked over at the group of guys, Mike included, and I smiled to myself. I loved that he found it easy to just be apart of it all. This is not something I do so well on my own. 

It got a little darker and being that my house is so close to the park we stayed in the front yard for the fireworks. Mike does this adorable thing when fireworks go off. He uses his hands and pretends that 'magically' he is setting them off. I couldn't help but look over at him and smile. 

After a while I reached over and started tracing my fingers over his neck and hair. He just leaned into me and relaxed. I can't help but love those moments. 

The rest of the evening was spent outside with the family setting off our own fireworks, which was entertaining. When that ended we ended up sitting inside. I leaned into Mike, somewhat tired, and I kept falling in and out of sleep. All the while he held me and had a chat with my two brothers. Later he mentioned how cool my brothers are and how he had fun talking to them. I told him that I just wanted to be with him, hence me just falling asleep in his arms, and that I was glad he was content just sitting at my house chatting with them. 

A while later he suggests getting a shake. I get into his car and he mentions how he'd like me to come over for the night if I wanted to. That would require me to go in the house, get my pjs, my toothbrush, and my car. I kissed him and started to get out of his car. He asked if I wanted anything while he was out to which I responded no. He mentioned how easy it was with me. For a moment, I wondered what his others girlfriends had been like exactly. I know I'm not like most girls, but am I really that much better?

I closed the door and looked back at him. He pointed at himself, made a heart shape with his hands, and then pointed at me. I smiled like a fool and walked back to my house. 

Can I keep him, despite the trouble we have with our friends? Will our happiness somehow survive the struggle they're putting on us?

I hope so. 

Summer of 2011

So here I am again. Its been a while hmm? I don't know why I dislike the computer so much but it seems I do. When I dislike the computer, I stay away. 


There is someone new in my life. He isn't really new. For the first time in my life I am with someone who I haven't met on an online dating website. This is a big difference for me!

His name is Mike, and he is magical. 


In short, I met him through a good friend of mine. We all constantly hung out and I guess things developed. Well honestly, a little bit of Jager encouraged me to kiss him at a party one night. After that, we continued to talk daily, then began to hang out, and as of June 7th 2011 we are officially dating. 

Love...

Where Have I Been

Hmm...

Its been a while since I have been on here. Something I am learning about myself...I really want to blog. I want to write and have people read whatever I chose to put up here lol but I avoid the computer at all cost. Its somewhat of a life sucking machine. I barely have enough time in the day as it is. Throw a computer into the scene and I am gone. I guess I just don't have the strength needed to say "No. Work only then get off". I think I'm also worried that I don't have much to say so what is the point of posting randomness right? Oh well! Hopefully someone out there finds my ridiculous ramblings worth while.

This blog site did honestly start off as an emoface sort of thing. I was sad and depressed and needed a way to get it out. A private journal is okay but part of me wants someone, somewhere to see what I have to say. Whether it does anything for them or not. Its like talking to an invisible person who says nothing and yet you feel better in the end. So thats what this is. My ramblings to the invisible person out there, whoever you are...thank you.

Do I catch up on what as been happening in my life? Honestly nothing too important. I wish I had things to say that we great and exciting. Summer came and went. It was a decent summer. I did a lot of things I probably wouldn't have had it not been for Keith. There is the main point to my summer. In May around the time school was ending I met Keith on a free dating website called OkCupid.com. We had been chatting for a while and finally found the time to meet up. He had his brutal past while I had mine and somehow we meshed wonderfully. On May 23rd he took me near this pond he goes to now and then to think and asked me to be his girlfriend. That moment was the sweetest and cutest I had experienced in a long time. So the summer was spent with him. My first real summer relationship. Its been almost four months and things are still going great. I couldn't be more thankful for having him in my life.

Now I am back in school. Not so much fun. This is my second year at RVC. I'm taking an intro to philosophy class, a humanities class, an art history class, and a world religions class. They're all really fun and interesting classes! Probably my most exciting semester so far but every day I am teased with the thought of traveling. All my life I have wanted to go to London with my best friend, Heather. That plan has been on hold forever it seems and I sometimes wonder if it will ever happen due to the fact that I never have enough money and she is not living with her boyfriend and his child. Actually once I said something along the lines of trying to save up some money so we can go and she said " I don't think Andy would like that very much". That only causes me to think she'll never travel alone with me. Sadface indeed.

My humanities teacher has been everywhere! and has a story for almost everything we talk about. It teases me. I have a friend, Dale, who lives in England. I actually met him a few years ago on facebook. I think it was through and are you interested thing. Actually I didn't know how to use it and had all these backed up people. While going through Dale was the one I found most interesting. Turned out he lived in England which made it more exciting to talk to him. Over the past couple years we have gotten close. Phone calls, emails, IMs, texts, and letters. Someday I want to meet him. Anyone who has made an impact on my life that I have met online is someone I want to meet face to face. Otherwise they seem like a dream to me. I'll never know if they're really real. So plainly put my classes make me desperately want to travel to England, more so than ever.

The problem about that is...I just lost my job. Tuesday I went into work only to find out that we wont be working. The office was a tiny four person deal. It just wasn't working. Not enough profit. So...they shut down. Didn't even have the money to pay us from the week before. That really hurt because right now I have about $0.67 left in my account until they can pay me. I have also contacted the unemployment office. I filled out the confusing application online and am not waiting to hear if I will be approved. In the mean time bills are still coming in. No one really cares if you office just shut down. They just want their money. I am definitely stressed about that. The only good thing is I hope I'll now find a full time job that isn't weird hours to where I can start paying off my debt and saving at the same time. Oh I couldn't be happier.

Speaking of that...Borders was hiring the day I went in. I immediately filled out an application and have since then called three times trying to speak to the hiring manager. Either I have terrible timing or the hiring manager really doesn't want to be bothered. They have taking my information down twice so hopefully my name becomes familiar with the manager. Hopefully then they will see I am dedicated and really want this job. Wish me luck? I really need something. Its been a week without working and two weeks without pay :(

I'm not going to lie. I'm scared.

Well I suppose I can leave it at this for now. I kind of just wanted to sum up what was going on in my life lately so I can get back in the groove of hopefully writing in here more often.

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one