Wish You Were Near

I miss you.

Sadly I can't tell you. 

Maybe I can, maybe I have, but I'm afraid and I really wish that wasn't the case.

Yesterday morning I sent Jeff an email. If I know him, he probably isn't checking his personal email lately anyway. I sent it to relieve some of that anxiety of wanting to say anything to him. Needless to say, I rambled on a bit. I was afraid to focus just on missing him or just on wishing things were better for him. So I started to ramble about things that have been going on with me. Of course when I started the email I just wanted to be able to write it. After sending it I found myself hoping to hear from him. I haven't.

I went to bed so early yesterday that this morning I was up at 6:15 and I didn't want to be. When you're awake you think about all the things you don't want to. Asleep is a little different. In that light haze of the morning I wanted Jeff laying next to me. I wanted to lean over and cuddle into him and just feel that relief. Instead I turned to my other side, hiding my face in my pillow, hoping to block out the world.

I got called into work early. On the days that I am, I go in sit in the back and work as the switchboard operator. They had the radio on and a Goo Goo Dolls song came on. Sitting alone in my cubicle I missed Jeff all the more. He loves the Goo Goo Dolls. So the rest of the day I attempted to work and finish up a paper for class. I did, successfully, but still he's on my mind.

I can't help but regret the way I've been with him these past months. I knew at the time how great he was to me. I understood that I should feel very lucky and happy but I let stupid Mike get to me. How can people be so foolish? I continued to hurt over a guy who left me on a lie while the kindest man was trying to win my affection. I am a rude person.

Being me, I think that if I had been different and not let Mike get to me maybe Jeff wouldn't be distant now.

Regret. Its always there.

I Don't Mind If We Take Our Time

It's been a week and a day since I've heard anything from him and what do you know? I miss him like crazy! lol

I feel a bit better after talking to a girl at work last night. She brought to fact what little she knew of his character and said from that she honestly doesn't think that he will off and disappear, that he really likes me. I've tried to calm myself with this thought. I want it to be true. Why is it I struggle with accepting and believing in the good? I mean, as I started to write this I felt confident and then it slipped. I started to think of other things that point my thoughts in a different direction and I find myself again worrying that it'll be a while before I hear from him and when I do it will be just to say that life is just too stressful right now and that we can't be together. That would crush me. :/

I have to work on a paper and naturally I can't focus. I wish, for my own selfish reasons, that I could be talking to Jeff at this time. Just to break from reality, explain my stress and worry over finals, feel his comfort, hear about whats going on with him, be able to comfort him back, plan exciting events for the summer, hug him, hold his hand, kiss him...

The one thing that I keep trying to remember is that there is plenty of time. So what if we don't get to spend the end of this school year together encouraging each other to finish out strong with the semester. So what if we don't get to go to the zoo or baseball games in Chicago before the summer classes start? So what if we don't necessarily get to kick off the summer together. There is plenty of time ahead for those things and this is just a bit of a test. I don't need to be saddened about us missing out because I'm confident that there is plenty of time for us to be together and have fun. And soon, he'll let me in enough to be there for him during the struggles as well.

Alas, I still miss him.

I'm Looking For Baggage That Goes With Mine

I haven't blogged in quite a while. With school and work...I'm just so busy. I'm glad I haven't had time though because I went through some difficult times missing Mike. Stupid...I saw him the other day. A complete fluke. There he was stopped at a red light just outside the parking lot that I was in. I felt myself go numb all over. He didn't see me and if he did, I know he wouldn't care.

I think I'm finally and officially over waiting for him. Sure, I'm still hurt by him. The things he did left deep scars but I don't want him back. For that, I'm thankful.

However, this is my life and as pattern would have it I just don't think things will ever go smoothly.

As I've mentioned before, I've been seeing Jeff. What can I say about him? I haven't given him much to work with and yet he stayed around. I can't tell you how happy I am for that. My walls were up pretty high and somehow, slowly, they've come down. Unfortunately, just as I realize this he is putting up some walls himself.

I don't have much time to go into great lengths about this but I felt myself bursting at the seems and knew that if I could just write it down I'd feel a bit better.

He kind of just stopped talking. Claimed to be overwhelmed...busy with school and work. I believe this because Jeff is a hard worker, very independent, and takes pride in doing everything in the best possible way. I thought things were getting a little bit better. He apologized for the way he'd been acting and assured me that his feelings for me hadn't changed. I have to admit, I was pretty frightened because everything was following an all too familiar pattern that Mike laid out. So I thought things were okay.

Another few days go by and still we're not talking at all and haven't seen each other. I don't even see him in passing at school. It doesn't take long till I feel myself getting overwhelmed in class hoping that when I leave I'll pass him by. I was sitting in the hall between class crying. I even found myself being brought to tears in class. Up to this point my friends had been trying to give me hope but once this started to happen they pretty much said just forget him. I was devastated. His phone was dead for a couple tries that I made and then finally this past Friday morning it rang through. However, he didn't answer.

I sat on my bathroom floor crying as I text him saying that he was intelligent and has to understand the way that all of this looks. I went on to say it just felt like he wasn't saying "its over". I mentioned how I took all that he said into consideration but I honestly had no clue what was really going on. I said I would be understanding and give him space if he just let me know. I also said that if it was over, just say it. He has some of my things and I needed them back as well. After sending that I thought for a moment and added that I had kept him at a distance and wanted to take things slow. With his persistence in being with me I found myself caring for him and letting the walls down. I said I didn't want to lose him.

About an hour later I get a text back from him. He apologizes for how he's been acting to me and confesses the issue that's been happening. I'm not going to mention what he said but it was very serious. At the end he said he didn't know what to do and needed time by himself.

Couple things. From what I know of Jeff, this doesn't entirely surprise me. He is very independent and always has been. Plus with the issue that he mentioned I can understand needing some time. Believe me, as a girl I want to be there for him, in any way that I can. If its not the right thing to do then I will give him space. I felt so bad, I text him back to apologize for overreacting and told him if he needed me I'd be around. This was Friday the 20th and I still haven't heard from him.

Yeah, this makes me sad. I miss him and selfishly I wish I had him around. I'm trying to keep a positive thought that in just a bit of time he will come back and things will  be okay for us again. I miss him. Damn, I miss him.

To be honest I don't know how long to expect him to be gone. I did buy him some birthday gifts before all this happened. He hasn't had a chance to see them and unfortunately one of them will "expire" in a sense. They're tickets for a game. I don't want to use the tickets without him so I thought that if I don't hear from him by the end of finals week I'd send him a message explaining this situation then go from there. Hopefully, he'll have messaged me by then. I don't know.

I just wish I could hug him and bring him a little comfort. I feel somewhat regretful. This entire time he has been extremely great to me and in a way I took it for granted because I was being a dumb girl, sad over my past. Now he's at a distance and I fear that I could lose him.

Never take what you have for granted.