Last Saturday, after just one drink, I felt the courage and curiosity to message Mike. My message to him plainly said "Do you not talk to me because you don't want to or is there something else?". To my surprise yet again he responds and we talk for a little while. I must say, I'm angry at him.
He said he's sorry we're not friends anymore but we don't hang out with the same people. I called him on that one saying that made me feel like the only way we were friends before was because we were connected with other people, that was all I was to him. He also said there was nothing he could do about us not being friends anymore. Also crap. All he has to do is pick up the phone and message me. Anything, and I would have responded. He knows, right? ::sigh::
The conversation continued. Him saying I knew what I wanted and he figured out it wasn't what he wanted. I told him he didn't talk to me at all about what he was feeling, that it wasn't until the end that I realized this and how upset that made me. I told him I was upset that he played with me. Yeah...I was a little angry and at times it does feel like Mike played with me. What hurt the most was this:
"It really doesn't matter. And you know that is straight up bullshit. I told you so much shit. I confined the way I felt about most things in you. You were the only person that was there when I went through all that shit in May and June. I'm sorry we aren't friends. There isn't much I can do about that. I'm glad you and I dated though. It helped me realize what I needed in my life and in retrospect you were exactly what I needed to just finally move on with my life"
All I took from that was that I was only good enough to show him "the error of his ways" and point him in the right direction. Which was away from me. I wasn't good enough to be a part of his life, just good enough to show him what he needed and didn't need. What should I feel from that?! I'm angry. I wanted to be something more. I've never been something good enough for anyone. Why wasn't I good enough for him to want me in his life. Fuck.
I, in anger, responded with something like 'wow I'm glad I gave you what you needed, wish I were walking away with something from what we had'. I feel like I got nothing. Nothing...just emptiness now. That and regret. I hate regret but I feel it so much.
He never responded.
I couldn't understand why two weeks before he told me that he had loved me, that this other girl was nothing, that he cant explain why he ran away, and that he had been thinking about me and what happened. Why all that and then two weeks later say "Oh there's nothing I can do about us not being friends and you showed me what I needed and didn't need in my life". For a moment, it doesn't mesh up. Mike sends me in circles.
I'm so fucking dizzy from him that I'm getting sick...I used to get the good dizzy feeling from him. That is long gone :/ God I'm so bitter.
Why did he matter so much to me if this is all it will amount to? Honestly, can someone explain to me why relationships happen, that you have these amazing unforgettable moments and experiences, only for them to fall completely a part. For it to be like the other person doesn't even remember they happened? I guess maybe I was delusional.
I let him hold my heart. I made a mistake.
With that in mind I would like to introduce someone new to my blog. His name is Jeff.
In my attempt to move on from Mike I reconnected with my old dating website http://www.okcupid.com/ and ended up sharing messages with Jeff. Knowing I needed to move on and let go I decided to meet up with him. He's a really nice guy. I wish I had met him before the damage from Mike. There's so much that I'm holding back with Jeff because I have some strings tied to Mike. I mean to be honest if I wasn't "broken" over Mike I would have been thrilled to meet Jeff. I would have been blabbering on about him in my blog whiles ago. However, Mike impedes on my life.
Let me give Jeff some credit.
He goes to Northern like I do for computer science. He is very smart and ambitious. He has all these ideas about businesses and what his plans for the future are. I've never met someone like that before. Its nice to see. He has his own place, he has a good job, and he's been through his own rough patches and come out in the end. He's real, at least I think he is. I feel like an adult around him, and I trust that he's an adult too.
Last night he took me out to Chicago, to a comedy club. We got there just in time to get drinks and grab a seat. Once in the seat he put his arm around my shoulder and there it stayed for a good. His fingers played around on my shoulder and over to my neck, tangling in my hair. He wanted to touch me, with no expectation in return. Normally, I'm that person...the one who reaches over to rub someones neck or arm just playfully touching them. The receiving end...it was nice.
I can say that I'm amazed by the person Jeff is coming across as. I hope he's real. It'd be nice to meet someone real. What do I have to off though?
