It has been a little over three months since Mike left me. All this time I was left feeling quite low. Its actually embarrassing to admit how I was feeling. Lets just say that every night I drove home from work I cried. Sometimes the tears were just little streams, other times I sobbed even after all the time that had went on. About two weeks ago my friend Kari suggested counseling to me...and it just about made sense.
I knew all along what was bothering me. It was the way he just kind of disappeared...out of my life. That, and the fact that what he left me with was a lie. Every part of me hurt with the thoughts of him because I valued him as a person and believed he valued me the same. I guess I was torn on confusion as well. Wondering if I made everything up in my mind, what he really thought about us or me, how happy he was with this new person. I hated thinking about it, about him, and I believed that in time it would go away. It didn't and I didn't know how to fix myself.
The friendship circle that remained after Mike left just wasn't the same. I can't exactly tell you what happened. Maybe Mike, in his own little way, was the glue. We're falling a part at an increasing rate and last Friday Alex informed me that he was leaving for Washington in February. Shortly after that Tim explains that he is moving to Chicago. All I can think and acknowledge is once they leave the circle is done. Sure, there could still be texts and phone calls. Maybe some random visits if we're lucky but it wont be the same. We cannot find our way back to what it used to be...What were we anyway? Did I make that up in my mind too? I hope not.
After a few drinks in us the outing dwindled down to just the four of us; Alex, Tim, Stephanie, and myself. I don't think we were together all that long before a fight came about. I said the reason Alex was moving was foolish. Steph chimed in and it appeared that because we had said something Tim finally told Alex what he felt. Apparently none of us thought it was a good idea or that Alex was serious in his reasoning. Tim runs away and I recall Alex mentioning something on why friends cant tell each other the truth.
This crushed me...and brought all my thoughts back to Mike.
Out of no where I'm picking up my phone and texting Mike about what Alex just said and how I feel its all bull. Mike responds...
I wont go through the whole conversation but he apologizes to me about what he did. Even admitted to have been thinking about things lately, me included, and how he has no one now. Unfortunately, I was more buzzed than I would have wanted to be when talking to Mike again for the first time...I didn't say what I would have wanted to say. Mainly I just stated how I was so shocked that he text me back and that all I'm thinking about is what the heck happened.
Mike said that he'd been on the road that we were on and it ended badly so he got scared and ran away. That's its taken him a while to come to terms with that. I wish I had asked what that meant exactly...
He asked me why after three months I would message him. I plainly said that I don't think he would understand. Hell, I don't fully understand it. He said "Why wouldn't I? I don't know why you think I wouldn't". My response: "Because...after three months all I wanted was to hear you say the truth. Say 'its over. I never cared like you did' so I could move on. What you said when you left kept me foolishly hoping on the side all this time".
The next text from him was the last text I received: "Thing was I did, and then I felt like I needed to run. I can't explain that. But by all means move on if you haven't because I'm not capable of love or anything like that. And I may never be. For what its worth I did love you but I got scared so I ran away covering it up will bullshit about nothing. And the other girl, she was nothing. Just a bad decision. I make way too many of those".
I never actually told Mike I loved him. We never exchanged those words. The closest it ever got was the few times he traced hearts on my hand or towards me. The only way he would have known is by assuming I loved him or reading the blog entries that I sent to him in the box with our memories a few months ago. However I'm not sure what but he said he did love me. At this point, I want to know what that means, meant, whatever.
I responded in some way saying I didn't think he was incapable but that all I wanted was to hear from him these three months. He never said anything after.
The following day, the gaping hole that was eating at me had closed up. In a strange way I felt completely healed. This may seem silly to everyone but I was unable to go certain places, think of certain memories, watch certain things. I can now. Its so weird...
Since then, I find myself hopeful on hearing from him again. I don't know if I ever will but I know I'd like to. I'm still thankful he told me what he did because I have some closure from it.
Thank you Mike.
PostSecret
