Here I am sitting at my desk at work, with nothing to do like it seems to be on certain days I don't want to think or feel. It's sometimes enough to make me wonder where I went so wrong and why I deserve this. Too dramatic? Maybe but whether I'm just dramatic or not I'm definitely feeling this and I hate it :/
I had a dream with Mike last night. Unlike the dreams I've been having this one acknowledged that Mike and I weren't together anymore. Actually, I suppose it's how I'd imagine it, getting to see him again after all of this. I can't recall all of it but we were sitting together and I was asking the 'why' questions that plague my mind. Naturally, I don't remember any response from Mike. Probably a bunch of 'I don't knows' like that one night. :( But maybe I don't recall an answer from him because I don't know what his answers would be. His mother was also there. That was weird and made me sad. Made me miss his family, his grandma...Anyway she sat down to talk to me about when I 'disappeared' as she put it. She then said that Mike told her through an email that we broke up. I don't know what that meant but during the dream I was saddened to think that he couldn't even talk to his family about leaving me.
This dream caused me to wake in a terrible mood. Not only was my mood off but my thoughts were a mess. I let myself recall memories, detailed accounts of these memories. I went through the entire memory from beginning to end and of course they were the happy ones. I didn't even catch myself doing it so I could stop. I just did it..without thinking.
Later I looked at the date, September 7th. Exactly one month ago today I was meeting up with Mike on his driveway to have that talk that ended with me feeling like the most fortunate person in the world. The talk that lasted two and a half hours with so many tears and finally him just grabbing my hands after I asked him to stay and him telling me through tears 'Thats all you had to say'. Even now I'm thinking about the way he pulled me in for a kiss, how I could feel his sigh of relief through the kiss as I'm sure he could feel mine. I can't really describe that feeling and I feel that only those who have been through it would know what I'm talking about. For the longest time he felt so far away, I was grasping at anything wanting him back, and with that kiss and those few words I had it and I was more than thankful.
But none of that mattered.
Today my heart ached for him because I couldn't help but think of what happened a month ago. I miss him still, and I know I shouldn't. I can't tell you the countless people who tell me to stop, how he is such a jerk, that I shouldn't care. I still do and I can tell them all why but it wont make any sense. I'm deep in it and they're watching from the outside. I can't make them understand. I barely understand it myself.
I believe that in the next two weeks I will go through two more days like this. A month from the day he actually left and a month from the day I found out he lied. The last one will be the hardest because I'll be acknowledging a whole lot more than just he lied. I wish I didn't have to feel anymore.
Makie keeps telling me to look forward, that I'm not allowing myself to. Fuck that. All I want is to move on from this. I may not know Mike anymore but the part of him that is a shy timid person is more than real. Because of that part of him, I don't think he'll ever speak to me again and sometimes that's all I want. I'd like to think that some day, who knows when, Mike will think 'I was wrong in how I dealt with Aubree' and call me or message me for coffee. There is a great part of me that thinks if Mike ever sincerely says he is sorry for how he handles things and it seems that he is sorry and not just saying it because he knows he should be then I don't see why I can't be friends with him again.
Damn it, I know that no one will agree with me. Hell maybe he doesn't but Mikes friendship meant something to me. He meant something to me. This isn't a perfect world. People fuck up all the time. We, as humans, treat everything so poorly. For me, it'd be wrong to cut people off after one mistake. And sometimes depending on the persons whole life they may make a few mistakes. If you have a way of thinking and feeling instilled in you, it could be a difficult habit to break. Am I making up excuses for people? I'm sure others feel that way, but this is how I feel.
We are not perfect and I'd liked to think that if I were foolish at some point the person I went against would keep that in mind. I know I'm not perfect and I know at times I will hurt someone without thinking. Forgiveness shouldn't be so easily thrown about but it should be within reach as long as the person is willing to work for it and understands it value.
If Mike ever really thought of me as a friend and someday thinks 'I screwed up' I'd hope he knew me enough to know that he could come back.
I should stop thinking of that because that part of me is holding on to him and keeping me from healing. I can't find happiness in much anymore. The only time I'm mostly okay is at work. I don't know why and sadly I'm not here often but everywhere else I feel panicked. My heart races and I feel unhappy. I want to focus on something but I can't. Its like a scramble but I just have to deal with someone shaking the 'snow globe' of my life around. Eventually it stops, but like I said right now I'm so deep in it.
